Is it normal she's so negative?

viohnson i know just how you are feeling mums been impossible lately and getting worse. I will leave as soon as i can. I know its the illness but today was bad she keeps losing her perscription so the chemist said it would be best she have a weekly supply instead of a monthly so less to lose. Well mum went almost violent this morning she wants her monthly perscription and hurled abuse at me
I am a selfish b*tch, i dont care about anyone but me, i do nothing but sit and smoke all day(really love that one!) lucky i was going into town then i just came home and ignored her sat in the sun cooked her tea am now going to have a bath and PRAY to God,Buddha,Alla whoever that she goes to bed early!!!!!!

I want out of this and her in a NH shes just impossible to live with nasty negative and blackmails me with money or things then throws it all in my face.

Mums personality has been multiplied by this illness ROLL on next week im on a weeks holiday and pray again that my sis gets a good dose of her awful temper as noone has seen it yet?
I know its hard when we say its not thier fault but stuff this for a life? i will visit everyday be the dutiful daughter but live on eggshells for the next god knows how long no way! I just think she needs professional help as i cant be doing with her "vicious moods".
Yeh hang in there y'all!!!!!!!!!!!!
One day we will look back and laugh???????????? just choke me now!

sandwich (((((hugs)))) I am 76 and still feel the damage - partly because the abusive behaviour continues, but also because any abuse experienced from birth on has to have a lasting effect some kind. I find myself at times, still battling the negative messages that were instilled in me as a child. I do - sooner or later - recognize them for what they are, but would rather be without them altogether.

You are right that they are unable to be happy, and making them happy is not a realistic goal. Keeping them safe, seeing that they have the care they need, is doable, as opposed to fulfilling their whims/demands which are endless.

To any one at or near the end of their tether, often the right time for a change is now. It means you have reached or are near reaching the end of your tolerance of certain behaviours which are dragging you down. There is help available though the various agencies. People on this site have made those changes. You can too.

There's a kind of pesky, impatient, naggy complaining seniors can do because they realize they aren't in control of their life anymore. It's kind of like a little kid stomping up & down screaming "don't treat me like a baby!!!!" This kind of thing can be helped some in how the person is approached & treated. It's a lot of advance thinking and planning, but it can be done. There's a lot of articles on the site about dealing with chronic complainers. Sometimes it's pain too.

HOWEVER, there is this other thing that isn't so nice and can't be helped with old fashioned adult courtesy & consideration for mom. You can bend over backwards and grab the moon with your teeth, and it won't be good enough.
It's as if they are the only person in the world and we ought to all give up life to sit at their knee and wait for instructions.

If this is a new personalithy change, I'd definitely talk to the doctor about it, as it may be dementia related. The part of our brain that makes us nice tolerable people is on the side that slips first - most of the time. There are so many kinds of dementias, they all have their own different signs. Losing your self control and empathy is a common sign though.

If this is not a new thing at all, and this is how mom/dad was all along, but maybe not this bad, it might be a personality disorder related thing. If mom/dad could keep it together for strangers/outsiders, authority figures, doctors & the like, and just saved it for you at home, then it might not hurt to look at the articles and conversation threads here for Narcissism. You will find people in that boat who are very sympathetic, and are walking that road too.

One of the skills that will help you regardless is learning to detach with love. It's a way to emotionally protect yourself from harm, while not totally abaondoning the other person. Sometimes that is even necessary to get your head & life back together. It's called going low or no-contact. There are some great books out there to help you. Stop Walking on Eggshells, Surviving the Borderline Mother. Just search on amazon.

My mom falls into the personality disorder bucket. It's one thing she does really well. She could be a gold medal narcissist with OCD and Borderline. Her dementia was progressing, so in 2013 I put her in an apartment first, now in the nursing home due to her cognitive decline and medical needs. There is no way on this earth I would ever voluntarily take her back into my home. 3 1/2 weeks was ENOUGH. She is not abandoned, but I get to decide when and how long visits last. Her physical needs are met. She is safe. I am not responsible for anything else. She is unable to be happy, so I don't use that as a way to tell if it's going well or not.

Growing up with a parent who is "difficult/domineering/controlling/abusive" causes damage I still feel at the age of 43 even though I left home nearly 25 years ago. It is not a good idea to expect someone to do physical/intimate care tasks for their abuser. It continues the toxic relationship. It's bad for everyone in volved.

If you need help getting your elder out of your home, and into somewhere else, call your local area agency on aging. You have to put a plan together to make progress. There will never be a "good time" to make changes, even if the changes are good. Use this site as a resource and ask lots of questions. There is more than one way to find success, happiness, and get your life back.

OMG Jeweltone I just posted today that I could not do this anymore. I had the worst day today too and had to go spend the night somewhere else because my mom is so mean to me. She also keeps telling me "You are always right about everything I am not stupid you know". The she called me a liar today about everything I said. I know they say to not take what she says personal but how can you help it?? I'm at my wits end and I am just about to walk out and not look back. How are we supposed to cope? I have put my life on hold to help my mother and it has not turned out well. I wish my mother was in assisted living but I have to admit I would not miss her fits and barbs. In fact I would not miss her at all. I now understand why so many elderly people are left in nursing homes. I understand a lot of things I did not used to but wish I didn't. Hang in there!

Don't take your Mother into your house. I made that mistake and I am paying daily.
A Social Worker told me not to take her into my house after re-hap stay because she would complain about me, my husband and then start to pick on the dog.
Social worked correct on all accounts except she never got to the dog.
I also moved in with them after my Father broke his pelvis summer of 2012 (another mistake). Could go on but I would be going on for ever.

Hi Jewelton,
My house looks like a filing cabnet. Files all over the place from keeping tract of all their illnesses since 2012, Dad, broken pelvis in 3 places, pneumonia, numb fingers---Mom, septis, kindey cancer, broken hip with total hip replacement, her heart beating too fast hospital stay. You name it it all happened starting July 2012.
So I know what you mean about not being able to keep up with your house. My husband and I have done everything for them and they still complain, complain and complain. Both nasty on top of it. Yes, I believe dementia makes people like this. Yes they do suck the life out of you.

Amen to all that kazzaa and 126Cher!!

Sunday visit with mom was about the tv cable. Everything that came on (even commercials) she would say "seen that", "seen that", nothing on but commercials about dogs and cats... complain, complain. I finally turned off the tv and she asked me why I did. ((shrug)).. I am trying each day to be "happy" again. I used to keep a clean house, have dinner on the table every night for my family, enjoyed being off in the summer and taking the kids to the pool, etc. Now, I am so overwhelmed with "her" that my house looks like it threw up on itself (many times) dinner at the table is a thing of the past, and pool? what is that? Enjoyment? you say?-I want to get back to some normalcy and pretend nothing is wrong.

Even though I was able to tell my mom how I felt on Sunday, she ended up asking me if she had to live there (al) for the rest of her life. What do you say to that? I know she is well enough to enjoy us when she should and well enough that she chooses to be miserable, but I also realize she isn't well enough to live alone.

Sounds like we all have the same mother. kazzaa: you are so right, it is very sad they have spent their whole life being so miserable. I am relatively a happy person, but my mother has sucked it right out of me.

HA! there is a programme on here every week called "how to be happy" of course i never got to watch it. I put it on and straight away mum said "oh turn that crap off". I rest my case!!! Yeh i gave up trying to make her happy along time ago now im her hiredhelp! Dad told me once "she spent so much time telling me what she didnt like i never found out what she did like". So sad that some people live thier life like this all the more reason for us to "get happy".

My Mother can have the best of everything and still complain. It is like she is a mal-content try of person. Says that everyone elses family takes care of their Mothers'.
One of my friends Mother's had the same meal as mine, friends Mother said it was great. My Mother said that it was junk. Not happy with ANYTHING!!
I am about to give up. They say leaders will leave you if you are too hard to lead.
I understand that statement now. Cheryl

just2nanci: You do not need to be a maid service. I like to stay busy when I visit with my mom because it helps me. Find someone who can help out even if it is two times a week. That is how I started before my mom became really ill. I had a girl go on Mondays and Thursdays. She would fix dinner (if my mom would eat), do light cleaning (when my mom could tolerate it) or to just visit and have someone else for my mom to talk to. Yes, it can get expensive, but my time and mental status is worth more than that. My mom became so ill she quit eating and I had to move in with her last summer and she was on hospice. Forward a year and now she is doing better physically and lives in assisted living since march. You can read my earlier posts and find out more. Hang in there, it has been 3 to 5 years for me and I am learning as I go. The people here have been so encouraging and knowing I am doing nothing short of what I should have been doing, helps out tremendously.

I feel like she treats me like a teenager

I want to be her daughter not her maid service

Wow, Jeweltone!! That is wonderful!! Good for you! I'm so glad you got it all out, AND that you and your mother had such a nice visit!

So you know, I am listening to the advice I have been given. I went to visit mom, do her hair, and fix her pill box. Same 'ole thing today when I first got there. Complained about the cable, must not get good cable here, nothing on this tv. I used to get a lot more movies on my other tv. Never could get her to understand that cable is cable--it is not the place and not the tv. She became upset and told me she wasnt going to go through this with me again today. We went to do her hair and she sat in the chair and said "get this over with so you can go back to your palace." First of all, I hardly live in a palace..haha, second of all I am NOT taking it from her today. I stopped dead in my tracks and told her exactly what I needed to many times ago. With all your help, I have been able to do what I know needs to be done..so here it went-- I told her I wasn't going to do it today either and for that matter I wasn't doing it ANYMORE! I told her that I have decided as of today I am not coming back and taking this from her. The put downs, the yelling or her complaining. No more! I began to tell her how hurtful it was. That I come to see her and help her the best I know how. I also stated to her that I want to come for a pleasant visit and we haven't had one yet. I didn't stop until I said what I needed to say. She got very quiet and just looked at me as I spoke. I told her to find something else to talk about beside complaining. After washing and fixing her hair, she looked at me and said, "will you trim my nails"? I said that I would be happy too. After doing her nails, she asked me to do her toenails, I did. She asked if I would take a walk with her to the other levels and sit on the covered patio. Gladly I told her. We actually had a nice visit. She talked of everything from where she used to work to things when I was little. I still watched how I answered questions and made sure I didn't reply to something that would set her off, but I did say what was a long time coming. I usually go and stay about 2 hours, today, I was there for 6 hours. Wow, I was shocked and so was my family. They wondered what happened to me..Ha! She kept trying to find things to talk about to keep me there. I could tell she knew I meant business. Before I left, I told her I enjoyed our visit. Thanks to all for the much needed encouragement and for letting me realize I get to decide everything!!

It is not terrible. I thought I just read something I wrote..LOL My mom has complained about the same things the past three years. Actually 5 or more. She was getting paranoid about her neighbors that she had for 15 or more years. She sold that house --just had to get out of there, moved to another county--two weeks later "I need to get out of here" "the neighbors aren't very nice", these women don't like me, how do they live here...blah blah. Moved back to her town she just moved from and the same things came from her mouth, then I knew something was wrong. Blamed the movers for stealing from her--I knew it wasn't so, found the things she claimed were missing. (never told her though). The other day she started saying how one of the girls only come to the doorway of her bedroom and stays in the living room to talk to her. Ok? so? my mom sees that as the girl don't like her and don't want to get close to her anymore. PARANOID!! I can't blame them either if they didn't want to. Called her today and hadn't talked to her since her little fiasco on Sunday. She didn't have anything to say. I asked her what she was doing and she said "nothing, what is there to do here?" My mom always ends her sentences with a question, she will say stuff like, my hands hurt, you know it? I can't stand that girl, can you? Then gets mad if I don't answer her statement/question. She will say, I am talking to the air I guess. My mom had to go to rehab too and said the same things. I try to remind her how bad it was at the nursing home. They really weren't very nice and bathe them like a herd of cattle or something. Now I think that is one reason she is afraid to get in the shower.

Oh, the big realization I had was that "everybody leaving" is a confabulation. I didn't know what that was until I started educating myself on dementia this past year. If mom has been confabulating for 15 years then I think her Alzheimers is a lot older than we all ever imagined. That made me look into the stages of Alzheimers and see that we moved mom up here near us kind of in the nick of time. A lot of what has happened over the past 15 years wasn't her just being meaner than normal mean. It was her dementia and not one person noticed or did anything meaningful about it. So sad. Earlier intervention could have put her on a much different path in life. *sigh* Earlier intervention would have taken a rope, a hippopotamus tranquilizer, and a gurney.

Jeweltone- we are on parallel paths, that's for sure.

I had a huge realization when mom had moved into her IL apartment and she started complaining about the same things - verbatim - that she complained about when she moved out of Charlotte to the country (back down home) 15 years ago. People are mean. People are talking about me. Those women at church were looking at me mean. And so on. I distinctly remember her talking about how everybody's going to leave down here, nobody is going to stay. Everybody is leaving at the bank/doctor's office/pharmacy, etc.

Then when she moved out of her IL apt into rehab, she did it again. Same complaints, verbatim. Even "everybody's leaving".

Lastly, when she moved out of rehab into her care center (nursing home) unit room, there it all was again - verbatim. I asked her how does she know that "everybody's leaving" and she said she heard them talking about it in the hallway.

Well mom, the one commonality here is you. And I can't say I blame them. (I know, I'm terrible.)

Sandwich42: I believe you just wrote about my mom. I have dealt with her for 46 years 7 months, 6 days and too many hours to mention. My parents divorced when I got married because my dad couldn't take the abuse anymore..thanks dad for leaving me with her. I have said many times if she would forget who he is, I would give her back to him. Ha! The answer to your question about dementia, yes, she was diagnosed with frontal lobe dementia. Sometimes I question it, but I see so many things about her personality changes and inability to care for herself and how confused she gets about things. My mom always has something to say about the staff. "they don't know what they are doing", "did you hear the way he talks?:, on and on...The sad thing is my mom was a top loan officer, head teller, very smart, wise and very talented. She could sew, knit, crochet, make anything by just looking. Now she can't read a phone number. When she says things, it still reminds me of her "old" ways. It is hard for me to differentiate at times. She started showing signs when she was about 62 but I had no idea what the signs were. She was just getting meaner and meaner. Now she is 68 and doesn't know whats happening to her. We had to sell her house (she lived an hour away from me) and move her closer to me. Big mistake!! She gets so mad because I won't take her home with me to live. I can't and won't. I was going to build a bigger house and have room for her, but now I am so glad she is in AL. only been there since March and is miserable. Well, the misery was there before, but now more pronounced. She won't go out of her room except for me to do her hair. But they tell me at AL that she does go out and walk around the building with the staff and comes out for Bible study some. She tells me she never gets out that they are big liars. Well, the joke is on her, because I know they aren't lying to me. Some of the residents have mentioned to me as well when I come to visit.

Oops - I just now saw that your mom's AL doesn't have nursing staff. OK. If they don't provide add-on services, then they have to come from somewhere besides YOU!

Something to think about - have you had your mom evaluated for any dementia issues? If not, I would suggest it now. You will need to plan ahead for her care. If there is any kind of dementia, this information will help guide your plan to make sure she get to a place that DOES have not only heath aid/personal attendant services, but also increasing levels of skilled nursing care.You can search & inquire to understand what any given place has to offer for dementia patients (e.g. secured wings, units, or floors, escape-proofing, food services, activities). The escape-proofing is a big one. Nobody knows if your senior will wander until they do it.

Jeweltone - You have to get out of the pillbox business. I would ask the administrator AND head nurse at the AL center about acquiring a home health aid to not only put her pillbox together each week, but to also administer.This should be part of the AL services, but not in an independent apartment facility. I had to do this for my mom because she would mix up her pills, skip doses, throw her pill box in a fit to try to break it, and lose the pills, etc. Fortunately, the place she was at had in-house home health aids ready to be assigned. It was an add-on service for her IL apartment, but boy am I glad it was there! At some places though you can contract outside aids to come in. They might have a recommendation on who to use. My mom could not keep her meds straight to save her life and would slap me stupid if I tried to touch anything. Only people in nurse's clothes can touch her medicine, and even then mom would rail and rage about how they are all frauds & fakes, right in off the street with no d_mn sense and probably can't read or write...... Ooof! If my mom didn't have her anger, she wouldn't have anything.

You asked me how long I had been dealing with negativity from my mom - the answer is all my life: 42 years 11 months & 10 days. She & dad would have so many fights because all she did was nitpick, criticize, complain, fault-find. Now we know this is the hallmark of a Borderline & Narcissistic personality disorder person. Back then, they were thinking she might be bi-polar.She was on every pill they made for "nerves" and everybody around her had to watch out for her "nerves". She gets so mad now becuase nobody will take her "nerves" as a legit diagnosis and give her more pills for it. They are treating her anxiety and depression though.

My mom too makes all kinds of wild threats about things she'll do to get thrown out. I looked her right in the face and said "good luck with that, because you're not coming back to my house. I guess you'll be on the street." She said she'd run around naked or pee in the hall. My response was "you think you're the first person to pee on the floor around here?" I just refuse to crack and show her any hint of being affected by her childish threats. I'm more like "sit down, eat your pudding, and take a nap. Enough racket out of you today."

I would also talk to the staff & director at the AL and find out if they have volunteers who can take your mom to activities or visit with her. My mom is a product of her own making. She wouldn't go to anything, wouldn't talk to anybody (other than to scream at everyone "B_tch_s - you're all a bunch of b-tches!"), would only sit in the dark and be a jerk to staff, but then complained of being lonely. Well...!!!

Mom can't go to a NH just for being difficult. You have to need a certain level of skilled nursing outside the scope of AL. I think you need to tell mom very candidly that she can lay off the threats and stunts because "it just won't work sweetie. "

Do NOT feel guilty for not visiting. You might think about giving it a month off, so she can acclimate without outside interruptions. She needs to have a long time to adapt. I heard it's at least 3 months for seniors to adapt to a new surrounding, maybe longer depending on the person.

Maybe time your visits with specific activities at the AL, so you have something to take her to. This is going to pre-empt sitting in her room listening to complaining. If she won't go to the activity with you, then you have to get home.

Thank you Harpcat. Yes, I realize my own brain health is very important. I pray everyday that I keep a healthy mind and body. At the AL there aren't any nursing staff. In my state it works a little different. The AL can give lower prices by not having nursing staff. They do med reminders and I am going to talk to the director about a way we can get this done at least two times a day. I also think my mom needs her dosage(mg) bumped up too. She has been on the same dose for a year and I think she is getting used to it. That is good your dad can still email/read. My mom freaked out once when I brought her some magazines. I didn't realize she couldn't focus on them to read them. I am slowly learning. 3 years seems like a long time and one would think I would have it figured out in that amount of time, but three years ago is only when I started really noticing something wasn't right. The progression started and now here we are. In hindsight, I can say this has been going on for 5 or more years. I am hoping something will just come over me and I will just be able to do what I really want to and not what I feel like I should. I talked to my daughter yesterday about some things with my mom. She is always telling me I let it bother me way too much-she is so right. My daughter reminded me "granny is too much". Haha--yes she is! Having a 23 and 15 year old, they help me stay focused. I will say I love to plant flowers. Last summer I lived with my mom and didn't get to do any of the things I enjoy. Actually, we thought we were losing her, but she snapped out of what was going on. This summer I am trying so hard to enjoy being home, planted my flowers, and have a long list of other things I want to do. Working diligently to enjoy and put one foot in front of the other.

Autocorrect ..argh! I meant to type if you were really ill as in sick. Lol

I think loo loo has a great idea for you. I fill my dad's pillbox too. I have two also which works great when I can't get over there. I know what you mean about the anti anxiety meds needing AM and PM and how confusing that is. It was for my dad too. He just couldn't manage that. I know most of these places will have in place a way for nursing staff to administer medication. They have to have her doctors orders. See if you can do that so that she at least can get her PM med.

On not calling your mom for a week I totally get that feeling. Even though my dad is safe and secure, I get a feeling that I "should" be visiting him. Last week I didn't call or visit for a week...(we do email however) but even so I wondered what he thought. Then I realize he's fine there and with his dementia, one day seems a lot like the next and he isn't even aware of how many days have gone by. If you distance yourself long enough and often enough it will begin to seem the new normal. It takes awhile because when you've been going over there often trying to make her happy (which you know can't be) then it seems like the normal. Try forcing longer breaks and getting the pill situation in control. Because if you needed to travel or were really I'll, you would need help with it. My dad also made remarks at first (premedication) about us dumping him and throwing him away...you know it's not so and it's the depression etc. talking, but it can hurt unless we distance ourself from that and not take it personally. Accepting that she won't change will help. Try the hiatus approach and pill box fix and you will feel less anxious. Don't let anxiety rule you...it can wreck havoc on your own brain health.

As the week rolls on and I haven't called my mom or talked to her since Sunday, my nerves are getting the best of me. I don't know why, but I get nervous knowing I haven't spoke with her. Yes, I know she is fine. No phone calls from AL or none from her. She just has this way about her... The control continues. I guess too I know when I do see or talk to her, I have to hear about it, the wrath of my mom..whew it is rough. Sandwich42: Where is your mom? How long have you dealt with this issue?

That is a good idea. They are not allowed to deal with the medicine. They can go to her room and give her a reminder, but not allowed to handle it. I also need her to take her anxiety meds more often than once a day, but having more than one pill box confuses her. I have even tried the ones with morning, afternoon and evening. Someone mentioned there is a time released box I can get, but can't find one.

Jeweltone, if you buy a 2nd pill box, could you fill one, leave it with the staff, and have them give you the empty one to refill for next time?

I have also been thinking how can I not go each week, but I am afraid that may not be able to happen. she has to have her pill box fixed each week and the AL cannot do it due to not being able to administer medicine. I have tried more than on pill box and she gets so confused. Thinking back, I had to stay with my mom all last summer. She lost ability to care for herself at all, so it was me all summer and I mean I left my family and moved in with her. I came home a couple times a week. Then I found someone to stay with her when it was time for school to start back and I had to go back to work. Now, I was blessed to get her in the new AL facility and dont have to take so much time physically. Hasn't changed the time it takes up in my mental capacity. Something I thought back on that she is saying to me now, brings me back to when I stayed with her. Sunday when I was there and things weren't good, she said, "you just brought me here and dropped me off and don't do anything for me anymore". First of all, I do a lot that she just doesn't see, but I am getting why she is so mad. She wants me 24/7 and says whatever it takes to make me feel guilty. She agreed to go the AL, I did not force her there, but she still blames it on me. She did ask me if there was anything they could kick her out for...I told her no! I also talked to the director and told her my mom may come up with an idea to try to get kicked out. My mom will be in for a rude awakening because if she does, the nursing home will be her next stop and then she will be broke--(this is also something she worries about paying AL). Nursing home costs are double what the AL facility cost. Shameful but true. I have decided she will not come to my home and treat me that way here in front of my kids. I DO have a say so!! Thank you for helping me realize it!

Sandwich42: I am an only child also. My aunt helps out as much as she can but she lives over an hour away. She is my rock, my go to when I need to vent. She is a great listener and reminds me I have done everything I can. I like your answer too about I get to decide everything. You are so right. I do get to decide and that is what makes my mom soooo mad! I took my daughter with me on Mother's Day and it didn't go well either. My husband, bless his heart, opens mouth and inserts foot way too many times for me to take him. Thank you and hugs back to all of you.

Sandwich42 I loved your answer!! I too stopped visiting my dad without another person present (pre-move and zoloft) as it was too difficult. I love how you say "you get to decide everything".

jeweltone - nothing but hugs and sympathy from me. I'm an only child, mom's sisters do not a thing to help, and mom is negative to her core. Now my mom is diagnosed with cluster B personality disorder, which is different than just being negative, but it doesn't make your experience any less. It's HARD.

Watching the primary grown up who supposedly had things all together during most of your life, turn into a petulant 3 year old is HARD.

Don't try to do more than you can. If you get over there once a month, fine. If you get over there more or less often, fine. You get to decide how this goes.
You get to decide everything - how long you stay, how much bad juju you get to put up with in a visit.

I never visit my mom without my husband. He's the good one and I'm the bad one. Wild horses and a million dollars couldn't get me to visit her alone. Maybe if you have a buddy you can take with you most of the time, it will help.

Sometimes my mom will be distracted if I bring her candy or a balloon. Sometimes she isn't distracted and could not care less. She's on a big fat dose of Prozac. One day at a time sweet Jesus, as they say.