My mother had a stroke 2 years ago; she is now 87. I have been her sole caretaker from that point on.
Although she has not been formally diagnosed, she exhibits most of the signs of vascular dementia. I have explained her behavior (angry, delusional, depressed, verbally and physically abusive) to the doctors, but because they claim she is still competent, they cannot force any additional testing. Her primary dr has confirmed cognitive decline, but will not help me with enforcing the durable POA that I've been designated with.
I just want to get the proper diagnosis to get her the help she so desperately needs. My family is now trying to accuse me of emotional abuse because my mom is constantly calling the same family members (including my one and only sibling — my brother) over and over with wild outlandish stories of me picking on her, bullying her, trying to control her, trying to kill her, stealing from her, etc. The family has even gone as far as calling the cops on me, twice. Of course the cops agree with me and understand my mom's illness, but these particular family members do not.
Counseling and BOUNDARIES is where to start.
My older sister didn't stop her antics after I left home. She continued with her crap for years until I got well into my sixties. The parents and my disabled sister were all deceased by then. Finally, she ended up in a nursing home and doesn't have access to a cell phone any longer (thank goodness). Peace at last. She is in cognitive decline at this point according to her oldest daughter.
This just proves to show that this is more about a character flaw(s) in the other person causing these issues. I'm a firm believer that much of this behavior with the lying and other misdeeds that is given the blanket catch all in dementia could be a personality trait exacerbated by the dementia. Also, people with dementia will eventually lose their filters as the disease progresses. The brain is dying.
Separating yourself from toxic family members will be a wise move.
My mum had been a very forgiving person who didn't always look for the worst in people, yet she seemed to do so during difficult times when her symptoms would get worse.
She thought that her sister, who she loved and idolised, was sneering and being nasty about my brother's partner. She said it was because she was racist and she believed this for quite a long time. My (left-wing, liberal) aunt was absolutely the last person anyone would accuse of being racist or nasty to anyone. She was kindness itself.
Another time, mum told me that her stepdaughter had asked her for thousands of pounds, when she visited her in hospital. When I pointed out that my stepsister was the richest person in our family, Mum said that was how she was so rich (no, it's because she's very clever with a very good job). Mum hadn't had access to her money for many years by this point, so even the most suspicious person would realise this accusation was ludicrous. Also, I knew that Mum loved my stepsister and had always thought very highly of her.
These and other delusional thoughts didn't go on forever, but they were distressing while they lasted. I just know they had nothing to do with Mum's personality before the dementia.
After that, find a neurologist. Then if she keeps up her abuse, cut her off, Tell her your aren't helping her anymore if she keeps up her fake accusations and continues to backstab you. Tell her call her other family she lies to, not you. Does she know you've had the police called twice because of her stories?? Especially after you have been caregiving her 2 years! For her to accuse you to the point police were called twice is ridiculous. Let your brother deal with her then! Call him and tell him you are done, so he better step up.
What about the Doctor that handled her stroke? Her Primary sounds useless.
Hopefully it's a UTI that can be fixed quickly. Otherwise, I would just stop helping her until she behaves better toward you. Good luck!