My husband has been in memory care for 3 months. He hasn’t had an alcoholic drink in 2 months. He’s been getting therapies and his medication is balanced. he is independent with ADLs. The reason he is in memory care instead of assisted living is they fear he will wander. It seems like he has improved, like back to how he was when he lived at home with me and he wants to come home.
I have mixed feelings. I’d love to have our lives back and be able to do the things we planned for in retirement. On the other hand, he drives me nuts with his constant needs. He gives me no space. I get frustrated. I’m concerned for my own health too. Any advice? Has anyone brought their loved one back home?
My nephew is dealing with this exact problem with his mother . She insists she’s cured and says she is never moving out of my nephew’s house again . She also says she’s “ never going to one of those places ever again .” My sister had been in a very nice board and care home .
She just didn’t think she belonged there but she does.
Once they wander, that continues, and you won't be able to keep him safe at home. No exceptions to that issue. Husband's brain does not, cannot and will never get better to the point where he won't wander. The only thing that works is when they can no longer walk, and that will happen soon enough. He is not improving, though you do see benefits due to his therapy, balanced meds, and lack of booze. If he goes home, he regresses. You'l try to stop the regression. Maybe you'll take him on a lovely trip, which is the worst thing you could do. Alcohol, wow, happy days! ("Just one little drink, sweetie? Are you my mother? Can we go potty now?"). Alcohol is available to scramble his brain all over again, and there is no safe amount he could drink. Ever. Be grateful that he can't drink in memory care. Alcohol is a major contributing cause to vascular dementia. Don't make it possible for him to hurt himself with alcohol as he apparently has before; I mean, why would you??
Please accept the truth. Husband is very sick. He cannot get better, only worse. You need your health so you can continue to advocate for him. Bringing your husband home is not in his best interest or yours!
I wish you luck in accepting what is happening. As a friend of mine whose spouse is in memory care said, "They are still with us, but we lost them long ago." I'm very sorry you're going through this.
He has lost brain cells which has affected his ability to reason. When brain cells die, they do not heal. They are gone forever. We humans have the capacity to form new neural connections and use other parts of our brain, but it will never be the same as before.
Of course, you can move him back home with you. Be prepared for a life that centers around his needs. You may still be able to share good times together, talk and laugh. You may not be able to do all the things you envisioned for your retirement years together.
After you get past being angry, frustrated, sad, grieving for the life that was, you may find peace and acceptance that this is just a new path on your life journey.
We rarely can predict the future with any success. Unexpected things happen which change our course.
I brought my husband home 10 years ago. He had a stroke at age 53, and was kicked out of the skilled nursing home for his unmanageable behavior. It has been like taking care of a small child. He had NO independent ADLs. Can't get out of bed on his own, can't stand, can't walk, is in diapers, and a special spoon fed diet (actually, I use thickened protein shakes, which he can drink on his own with a flexible straw and a lid, because he then throws his cup to the floor).
He is non-conversational. He mutters or yells out single word or two-word demands when he wants something.
I love my husband dearly, and I still see a glimpse of his former self. We can still make each other laugh. I approach each day with a sense of humor and accept that this is our new normal; me changing his diaper and getting him up out of bed, out to his living room recliner, turn on tv for him, change the tv channel frequently as he gets agitated, bring him protein drinks and pick up his cups.
I then change his bedding and clean his bed, and do all the household chores by myself as well as managing bills, shopping, and car break-downs all with no help.
This is not at all what I envisioned for our future together. But I am happy to still have him by my side, to spend whatever time we have left together, doing the best we can with the challenges life has brought us.
Sadly you will never "have your life back" the way it was, which sounds like a blessing to me as it also sounds like your husband is/was an alcoholic.
Time for you to be honest with yourself and quit being in denial here. Your husband is where he now needs to be where he will receive the 24/7 care he now requires and you can continue being his loving wife and not his overwhelmed and burned out caregiver.
Also, wanting to "go home" is a very common behavioral phenomenon with dementia. It's part of Sundowning. Often they are wanting to return to a childhood home and not their recent home. Visit him or talk to him in the mornings since his Sundowning will occur in the afternoons. If you take him home he is a wander risk. You can't stop him and you can't reason with a broken brain. His first time wandering may be his last.
"I’d love to have our lives back and be able to do the things we planned for in retirement."
My dear friend, I sincerely suggest you learn about dementia and memory loss. I found the Teepa Snow videos on YouTube to be extremely helpful. I wish you great wisdom and peace in your heart on this journey.
Thanks for all the responses. I just need to stick to my resolve to make the most of what we’ve got.