My mother has more moderate dementia. She lives by herself and refuses to go in to a memory care facility. She is incontinent and will not wear the Depends I got her so therefore she smells like urine and will not change her clothes or clean up. My sister thinks it is a reflection on us that she smells like urine and looks unkempt. I say if anyone knows anything about dementia, then this is part of it. Does anyone have any feedback on this? I don't believe it makes us look like bad children if my mother flat out refuses to change her clothes or bathe.
My father is 90. He does not have dementia and he will not shower or change his clothes. He says it hurts. I tell him I will help him with a sponge bath and the answer is still no.
Sometimes people will stare at me like why don't you do something about this. One person even said something to my dad and he said kindly to them, " I don't care and you won't either of you have to live this long and feel this way. His sentence changed my thinking for ever. How dare any one of us judge how someone SHOULD feel if we don't walk in their shoes. So I say, let what others think what they may. For now be with your mother, love her how you want to. Your sisters is going to say and feel how she does and you can't change that. God bless you for doing the care your mother allows you to do and loving her in spite of her smell.
P.S. If you do have problems with the smell, a tiny touch of your favorite candy flavor oil on your nose might help and help you even feel some joy as well.
Saying that often works.
Disclaimer: I am not saying you are neglecting her.
But actually putting those feelings into effect is easier said than done. A lot of older Seniors who maybe lived through The Great Depression don’t trust anyone with their money, even their kids or grandkids. No way are they giving POA to anyone. These are the people who made clothing out of flour sacks. And, if a relative doesn’t have durable Power of Attorney, there’s nothing anyone can do.
Then, there’s the fear aspect. Many, many elders tell their kids “don’t you ever put me ‘away’!” They put the fear of God into their kids. And LOTS of posters on this forum think all facilities are dirty, abusive hellholes.
So, what you are suggesting, like I said, is on some level how a lot of us feel but don’t say it. We feel awful for those posters who endure physical and verbal abuse from the people they care for, it we know even as we type our advice that they will not take it and the situation will continue exactly the way it is. It’s just the nature of the beast. But we do and always will keep trying. Some “see the light” and some don’t.
I wouldn’t worry about anyone seeing you in public and calling APS. APS will not jump in the car and rush over to investigate. And unless it’s someone you know who calls and can give them a name and address, nothing will happen. APS won’t know who you or your mother are and where to find you.
WorriedinCali is referring to my post as fear mongering:
Sendhelp:
If you take an elder out in public in that condition, people may call APS for neglect of an elder.
Disclaimer: I am not saying you are neglecting her.
It is important to understand also how your sister feels about this.
"My sister thinks it is a reflection on us that she smells like urine and looks unkempt. "
This is feedback. Respect her feelings. Do not force her to accept Mom looking this way, sis shouldn't have to go out with your Mom.
Skin breakdown is serious and painful.
One of two things need to happen... if you are around her daily, you need to find a creative way to get her to change/bathe. Or, she needs to go into a facility where they will force her to. Many will not like to hear me say this, but they have meds that will help her mood and make her a bit more compliant.
My mom is in assisted living and when I say "hey let's wash your hair or let's take a shower", she says oh I have already done that. I can tell by smelling her and looking at her that she hasn't. So I increased her level of care to include "assisted showers" twice a week. She still refuses on some days and we just approach it differently later in the day. I told her the facility was helping everyone because of slipping hazards...or on some days they tell her that the hand held shower is hard to manage so they are helping everyone. Then she doesn't feel singled out and I don't think she has the where-with-all to argue the point. LOL
Good Luck, but don't take it personally. Just try to outsmart the disease!