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I have been helping my friend. Doing her shopping, cooking, cleaning (as much as I can) at her house, in addition to being her friend and providing her support. By now I would say that I have made her dependent on me. I and another friend would like to pursue some sort of assistance to come in to provide help with grocery shopping, getting out for a walk, cleaning, laundry, etc. She gets angry and says that she does not need help, but I do!

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I would use the therapeutic fib of telling her there is some sickness or problem in the family that means you won’t be visiting regularly as of a certain date. In the meantime, offer to assist her with setting up online shopping as well as arranging for meals on wheels and the senior bus. Offer to help her pick a housekeeper off of care.com. You might even choose to sit in on the initial sessions as a friend.

Only If she refuses would I contact aps, which will go over there with the same offers of help.
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Reply to PeggySue2020
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Your friend doesn't think she needs someone else to help - because you are already doing it all for her.

You need to step back and stop doing everything. Choose what tasks you will continue to take on, and what you can not continue to do. Tell your friend that YOU need the help, you can not continue the way you have, it is unsustainable for the long term. She needs to hire someone to do housecleaning.
Show her how to order groceries online - for delivery, or send someone for curbside pick up. As I have been losing mobility, I have come to rely on curbside pick up for all my groceries. I order everything online -usually the day before, and schedule a pick up for the following day. Most stores will save your cart, so I use it like a shopping list. Every time I think of something I need, I add it to my cart, until I am ready to complete the order, usually once a week.

I'm sorry this feels like it is straining your friendship. You've been very kind stepping up to help out a friend, but she is in no position to demand you continue this indefinitely. Tell her it is more than you can do every day and you need a break. Remind her you will continue to be there for support.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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It's time to get her family involved or APS. You're clearly a very kind-hearted and caring person but this situation with your friend cannot continue. Whether or not she refuses or accepts paid caregivers is irrelevant. She has to have them. So you have to stop doing for her and let her family or APS take over. I know she's your friend and this is hard to hear, but it's the only way. If you continue on as you are now you will be her care slave until one of you dies.

I was a caregiver for a long time and am in the business of it. What happens in this kind of situation is APS and famiy drag their feet and do nothing if they know the person in need has someone taking responsibility and providing care already. Usually neither APS or family in my experience cares if the caregiver wants to stop doing it or cannot handle the situation. So, you have to stop doing everything. Yes, your friend will suffer for a while but it's the only way you'll get out of it and she'll get the help she needs.

Your friend without a doubt will double-down on the stubbornness and refusal of aceepting outside help. The other choice is getting her put into a memory care facility. It has to be one or the other. If you remain the solution to your friend's care needs problem no one will ever look for another solution.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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Stop discussing it with her. She’s lost the ability to reason and make sound choices. Talking about it only brings frustration and anger. Assuming she has family, let them know the current situation is unsustainable for you and a new plan is required. If they fail to act report her condition to APS. That’s impossibly sad, but sometimes we simply cannot be the answer
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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There comes a time when we need to realize that our "helping" can turn into hurting a person and enabling them to continue living in an unsafe unsustainable situation.

In turn, the kind person doing the helping gets sucked into a situation that is often very difficult to disengage from.

Dementia, being a progressive disease, is one of those situations where everything will continue to get worse. I agree with the other posters who say to get her family and/or social services involved ASAP.

You can still be a friend to her by visiting and offering company, but do not continue to prop up an unsafe and unsustainable living situation.
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Reply to Dogwood63
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If she weren't dependent on you, she'd need to be dependent on *someone*, so you have not created this situationship. Even if she did accept a caregiver there's no guarantee she would be willing to pay for it. Then what? You can't and shouldn't pay for it. Don't even think about doing this.

Please think about how this current arrangement plays out into the future -- as she declines further and further, maybe becomes incontinent and unwilling to change her clothes or practice hygiene. Or, refusing or losing the ability to write out a check, paranoid and thinking you are trying to rob her (a very common issue)... neither you nor anyone has the legal ability to manage her financial affairs or talk to her doctor.

Your loving efforts to help her is admirable but unsustainable and is delaying the inevitable. If she doesn't now have a PoA, and refuses to assign someone, then she is destined to need a court assigned guardian so that someone has the legal ability manage her affairs and make decisions in her best interests.

I would contact a social worker for her county and get her assessed for in-home services. At this meeting you will need to discuss her need for a legal advocate. But she'll need help for more hours than the county can provide at that point. Medicaid is a solution for those needing LTC and qualify financially. The most likely solution is that she can be put on APS's radar as a vulnerable adult but they won't move to transition her into a facility until her living situation is very bad. This would require you to stop helping her and instead keep reporting her to APS. You will have to stand by and watch a slow-motion train wreck but she will get to her permanent care solution sooner if you allow it.

Bless you for helping her to this point. I wish you success in getting her the sustainable help she needs now and into her future.
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Reply to Geaton777
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You need to back off some.

You are no doubt a wonderful friend with good intentions. But you’re helping prop up her delusion of independence. She thinks she can handle living alone because you do everything for her.

Remind her that she does need help, and it’s been you! Don’t come by for a day or two and let her see how she “doesn’t need help”!
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Reply to LoopyLoo
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Assuming you “real friends” are unpaid, what makes you think she will actually pay a caregiver? Where are her family?
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Reply to PeggySue2020
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