My mother is in her 90s and has moderate to severe dementia. She lives with my younger sister who is able to help her bathe, and sometimes toilet, help her wash her hair, etc. I don’t mind taking my turn, which I have just finished for four months, but when it comes to those personal things, I would just rather not be involved. My mom gets extremely embarrassed and self-conscious even if I help her dress from time to time. It’s getting very hard for her to put on socks or sometimes pull a light sweater, jacket, shirt or pants on, but if I try to help her she insists she can do it herself when clearly she cannot. As far as personally helping her bathe, wash, trim toenails etc. I would rather not do any of those things. My sister doesn’t like it either but she does it anyway. Is there something wrong with me? It’s not a constant thing... my mom has good and bad days, but I just don’t think I could ever be a private duty nurse. God bless them!
Best thing to to is start helping her do something instead of asking and if she insists to do it herself, let her.
so you are not alone with your feelings about bathing your mom.
We’ve been down this road before so I keep my distance. When push comes to shove, I’ll do what I have to, but it’s hard when you know you are being manipulated.
My 81 year old mom lives with us in her 2 rooms, we built her a brand new personal bathroom with a shower and everything is adjusted to her needs.
After cleaning After her several times a day for roughly 8 months, scratching feces from the wall, door knobs, night stand etc and situations where she showed me her poop covered hands I decided that’s it for me.
Since July a caregiver comes in 4 days a week for 2-3 hours, and man, she saved my life. Lynn is the most wonderful person I could wish for to look after my old mom.
I can only recommend having someone coming in for the special things. My relationship with my mother deteriorated big time, also because she sadly still treats me like an underling and servant.... but well. What can I do. I’m glad that her essential needs are taken care of in a professional and always kind and patient way.
Best wishes from Nova Scotia, Canada. ❤️
Some of us grew up with loving supportive moms who were hands on and involved in our childhoods but that wasn’t me. My relationship with her wasn’t filled with hugs and she was never too keen on the idea of taking care of me if I got sick and that has made it hard for me to be compassionate but I am careful to be sure she has the care she needs.
I love my mother and get along with her better now then I ever did in my younger days but it’s harder to be sympathetic when you know you are being manipulated.
I never had a problem when I took care of my dad while he was suffering from Alzheimer’s but then he never asked for help he didn’t need or tried to use his illness to get sympathy.
Do you have palliative care for your mom? Would include a nurse, and someone to help wash her 2x a week.
You can say no to personal hygiene.
Everybody has their line in the sand. My sister won't even push a commode!
My retired Dr told me he occasionally assisted his wife with her Mother (with dementia). Then they moved Granny in. This became assisted showering, assisted toileting, then anal supps every 2-3 days when all other milder laxatives failed.
When his son came to stay he thought he would look after Granny & give his parents a well needed break. He was told she needed a bit of help to eat & in the bathroom. When he found out the actual details, he sat them down, looked them in the eye & said No. Asked them what was their line in the sand? Was SO far behind them but they were so burnt out they couldn't see or remember it. Just looking at the next teaspoon, the next supp. Not at the big picture: which was Granny needed more help. More aides. (Actually went into SNF).
Sorry for that long winded story. That Dr visit ran well over & he apologized to me but it was invaluable advice. Look up sometimes at the big picture.
Do you & your sister need to reassess & get more help?
She requires 24/7 hands-on assist with every ADL by 2-persons.
She can't communicate, express,herself or even comprehend.
She doesn't know much of anything except that she is hungry and she hates to soil herself.
She will clench and hold it if not on a toilet and thus release when she can longer hold. She is expressionless, but you can see the defeated look.
And she does not like to be touched especially in private areas.
She has an automatic bidet toilet seat and a modified wheel-chair shower seat.
Commercial shower chairs have a toilet-like hole in the seat, the wheels are small and will run over feet, your or theirs.
We replaced a wheel chair seat with a plastic web seat that allows the spray to hit her entire undercarriage.
The wheel chair large wheels allow for easier transport and the front guide wheels are at a distance to not run over feet.
We wipe her dry with a front to back swipe of dry terry cloth.
Never wipes that do not absorb. They spread bacteria while claiming antibacterial.
No undies, No trauma of pulling down or ripping off pull-ups and then replacing them. No UTIs. Toileted every hour. Sits and sleeps on bedpads in case of a rare accident.
7 years of noninvasive care,
Again, no UTIs, she has dignity and we enjoy her presence.
I helped my mother shower, and she was upset about her reflection in the bathroom mirror, partly because of her mastectomy. I stripped myself, which helped to avoid getting my own clothes wet, and I told her that I felt much the same about how much better my daughters’ bodies looked, aged about 20. We commiserated together about the scars of time (mine were old appendectomy and a long abdominal hysterectomy scar).
When MIL2 was in care, the attendants who showered her on a shower chair, soaped up a face cloth and handed it to her to wash between her legs, then rinsed it out and gave her the wet cloth to get the soap off. That is a good method if you can.
Both you and your sister will have these memories for a long time, and I don't think living with the regret that you didn't help as much as you should have will be helpful to you. However, if your sister is OK with the arrangement you have, then...OK. But it's gotta be hard on her as well...
Sure, I learned to go through the motions. That’s all. It’s hard for the parents and it’s hard for the child. I wouldn’t want my kids taking care of me.
My daughters saw me care for my mom and said they would care for me. I stopped them mid sentence and said, no you won’t!
On the bathing. I’m not up for that either. I’ve wiped a few butts but not my forte. I noticed my mom’s grands did not have a problem when it was needed. Somehow I felt proud of them that they were unaffected but for me it was a nightmare.
Thank you for acknowledging those who did tough jobs in your family.
Caregivers don’t receive enough praise and sometimes they are not even recognized. I felt very taken for granted in my caregiver days.
How did you manage over those four months?
Just about the difficulties with dressing - there may be tips and tricks (or, said cautiously, gadgets) which would make tasks easier for her. It is much *better* for her to manage independently as far as she can. Is there anything specific she struggles with?
As an example: one inventive older gentleman, with severe arthritis but living alone, hung his sleeveless padded jacket on a coat hanger from a cupboard handle. Then he could slip one arm through, turn his back, and have the other armhole at just the right height to get the rest on. He still needed some support (e.g. hanging the jacket on the hanger at bed-time!) but he didn't have to call for help just because he felt chilly.
There can't possibly be anything "wrong" with you because you find certain tasks off-putting and don't want to do them. It's a bit like saying "am I a bad person because I can't stand gardening?" Of course not. Some people are born to it, most people can manage some of it with or without enthusiasm, and some people can't stick it at any price. It takes all sorts to make a world.
There's nothing 'wrong with you' that isn't wrong with the vast majority of us. Poop stinks. Personal hygiene is called 'personal' because it's something that should be done by the person herself, not someone else.
Be kind to yourself. You're human so accept your imperfections and laugh them off like I do.
I remember going up to her place one day, and she was standing next to her bed, stark naked and YB was sponge bathing her, as she held on to her bedpost. It was a most unsettling sight. It was really warm in there, so not a problem with her getting chilled--it was just--so weird. I mean, YB just got right down there in the undercarriage and all...he is an EMT and sees everything, but this was our mother.
Still bothers me, the image is burned in my mind. She actually said to me "Oh, come on in and visit with us". No ma'am, no thanks.
If this is not something you can do, please find an agency for care that does provide this. I would have happily paid anything to have mother have a good bath.
Luckily she recouped to the point she could once again take a shower sitting on a shower chair.
I am with you. Bathing wasn't too bad just I was afraid Mom would fall and being short, I had no leverage to get her back up. In the beginning I allowed her to wash herself but had to tell her where. I eventually did it myself. She sat on a shower chair and I sprayed her down. Then suds her up and sprayed her down again. It was the toileting I could stand. I wish I had known a couple of things when I had to do it. First, I didn't know the pull ups ripped down the side. When I asked an aide how she got Mom in and out of the bathroom so quickly she told me how to put clean pull ups on without taking off the slacks.
When it comes to trimming toenails, Medicare pays to have them done by a Podiatrist every 10 weeks.
No, there is nothing wrong with you. I really wonder where my RN daughter came from. You should hear some of the things she has had to do. Her take on it, part of the job. Nope, I wouldn't be a nurse.
It is hard for me to visit with my mom on days she has bed pads drying everywhere. Urine reeks. I fabreeze the garbage cans and area as often as I can because she does not seem to smell it.
Not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver. It is completely okay that you are not good dealing with this stuff.
Is it possible to help your sister in different ways so that she gets a break?
Does mom have the money to hire a bath aid a couple of times a week?
Thinking out of the box can help you, help your sister, help your mom in a meaningful way that is comfortable for everyone.
Bathroom help is my deal breaker, I just can not deal with it. Knowing your limits and acknowledging that you just can't do it is so helpful and the beginning of finding solutions. Best of luck.