Follow
Share

My father is in the hospital because of a fall. He is very confused and combative, but that isn't out of the norm. The hospital decided he needed to be in a memory care facility (which is where he is at this time. He can't stand being there and wants to come home. That's all he talks about and he blames me for putting him there. Everytime I visit him, all he says is he wants to go home and that I don't care about him anymore. It breaks my heart. How do I tell him it wasn't me who made the decision to put him in there? If anyone could share suggestions on a way to communicate this that he might understand or accept, I would be very greatful.

Find Care & Housing
There is no reasoning with a dementia patient because they've lost the ability to understand. Decide on a phrase and stick to it. Say it over and over and over, and don't deviate from it. Keep it simple. "Your doctor decided that you need to live here until you are stronger." Say no more, and keep saying it. Eventually he will lose that loop and be off on another, which could be worse! I wish you luck in getting through this phase with him.

Thank your lucky stars that you are no longer dealing with him at home. It will get worse, and in memory care, they know how to handle these things.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to Fawnby
Report

Tell dad the doctor ordered him to stay in Memory Care and he's there for that reason. Then change the subject. And keep your visits brief and limited to once a week for now.

Best of luck with a tough situation.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to lealonnie1
Report

Perhaps you need to now limit your visits to just once or twice a week until your father gets more settled.
And when he starts talking about going home, you just tell him that he has to stay there until his doctor says otherwise, and then try changing the subject and even take him for a walk outside, as all memory care facilities have an outside area the folks can enjoy.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to funkygrandma59
Report

Insisting on "going home" is a common dementia behavior that is called Sundowning. It usually is worse in the afternoons and evenings. With Sundowning, the elder is really referring to a home way back in their long-term memory, like the home they grew up in, or an imagined safe place.

If you call or visit, do so in the morning when he is less likely to be Sundowning.

https://www.agingcare.com/topics/19/sundowners-syndrome

I agree with others that he needs meds for depression, anxiety and agitation. Many elders need to take these since dementia robs the person of their ability to be happy or bring their minds to a place of peace themselves. They now need help to achieve this.

Bless you for caring for him all these years... may you receive peace in your heart as you work through this big change in both your lives.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Geaton777
Report

Contact his neurologist and ask for medication to calm him down. Also, don't visit for a while. Let him get used to the staff, the other residents, the activities, the routine.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to MG8522
Report

It seems that you have lived with him for the past 6 years, and that it has worked out OK as far as both of you are concerned. Are you willing for him to come back to live with you again? You say that “the hospital decided he needed to be in a memory care facility”. Do you know why – was his condition such that it was clear that his care (before whatever put him in hospital) wasn’t adequate?

If you are sure that “coming home” is a good idea for both of you, it would probably be helpful to see the boss at the Memory Care home. If you get nowhere there, this might be one for the Ombudsman.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to MargaretMcKen
Report

This is why memory cares often counsel families to stay away from them knowing you visited the first few weeks. You still should, just observing from afar where they can’t see you. Clients whose families come get more attention than those who don’t.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to PeggySue2020
Report

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter