Living with and caring for my 97 yr old dad and I work p/t. Got calls today from all my 3 sibs saying they are coming to our house for Father’s Day. Great, except I’m expected to “throw a party” for all of them. I asked if they could bring a dish to share and I got “ but we are 2-3 hrs away, that’s too difficult”. Whatever... I’ll suck it up for dad.
My sister just got back from 10 days in Jamaica, talking about her fantastic meals ( we eat bland mushy thing cause dad has no teeth ) her daily massages, seaweed wraps because she is soo stressed. Wanna talk about stressed? My therapy is wine. My dad has fallen 3 times this week while I was at work. My job is laying off all of us, gotta find something else quick. My sister doesn’t work but lectures me on finding another job, and yet complains that I am not home enough to monitor dad. Brought up that if we had to pay someone to do what I do, it would be room and board plus pay. She got nasty with me saying I should be happy with just room and board and “ fine we will put him in a VA home which is a death sentence”. Ugh. I feel soo unappreciated.
After lunch or dinner say you have to run out for a bit
LEAVE them with Dad, go talk a walk, go for a drive, go get an ice cream but get away for a bit for yourself. Not saying this will give them an idea what you deal with but as long as you have 3 "knowledgeable" "got the solution" siblings all there at one time I am sure they can take care of things for an hour or two. Just make sure they know where the briefs, or pull ups are a well as any gloves, ointments that they will need.
You provide utensils and beverages.
With the internet, Google, and GPS while driving, this is a no-brainier for them. And you should expect them to pay with your impending joblessness and possible financial squeeze in the interim.
And no food prep! When they show up empty-handed, tell them it's pizza or fried chicken or Chinese or whatever. Their choice. Then direct them to the takeout menu, phone/website and Google Maps to go pick it up.
I feel for you, Toller. My sig-others’ sibs are a lot like yours. Different hot buttons, but same end result. We only hear from them when they “need” something. (What they NEED is new personalities and a one-way ticket to someplace far, far away!)
Forget about what your siblings think. I struggle with this also.
Learn to set boundaries and learn what feels right to you.
Learn what your needs are to be effective in the role/job you have caring for your Dad.
Learn to put yourself first so you have the energy and ability to do the job you have to do for your dad.
One learns by doing and by learning to feel worth it (self-esteem).
If you need a therapist to get through and gain support, get it (or join a support group). Taking care of yourself is primary and learning to set boundaries so you do not allow others to make you a target of their behavior and/or lack of sensitivity.
One mother's day (biggest joke/fake holiday in the world) and we have LOOONG church meetings on Sundays, 3 hrs worth all together--I hauled all 5 of my kids to our regular meetings, got a dead-ish plant as "recognition" of being a mother--came home and (hubby had opted out of church, so he was sleeping) told the kids "well, this stinks, let's have barf on toast for dinner" ( family recipe, just creamed tuna on toast) and as I a making dinner, dh's MOTHER shows up. He'd invited his mother to dinner. She was as embarrassed as could be, but stayed and ate with us. DH did finally wake up, was profoundly upset THAT I HAD NOT MADE A BETTER MEAL. I did not know she was coming and it was MOTHER'S DAY.
Somebody at work must have busted his chops about it, b/c the next he came home from work with a huge box of candy and flowers. I was working in the office and I said "Those are either 364 days too early or 24 long hours too late. I do not want them." I threw the flowers in the trash and gave the kids the candy.
Every Sunday is Father's Day. I'll make DH breakfast but not dinner and I am not fussing him one iota.
Your family sounds delightful. I have no words for you except that this too, shall pass. I've spent far too many holidays crying and upset b/c DH said something to criticize me about what I SHOULD have done to make a holiday more special.
So many good responses---I'd go either the 'regular food route" or a quick text to give food assignments. Or simply take a little road trip. You really do not need these people in your life!
But, may I add--don't hurt dad in the process. They are, awful as they are, his kids and at least they are making a show of marking the day for him.
My brother just left town after dropping in for a visit. He didn’t even really spend time with our mother. He could come and go as he wanted and doesn’t do any caregiving when he is here. I can’t even go to the bathroom without having to keep an eye on her on a monitor.
My brother travels, spends money on whatever he wants, and gets to live unburdened in any way (no other family to care for or anything). My husband and I don’t get a single minute alone unless we hire someone (@$25/hr- min of 4 hours at a time) to come into our home so we can escape for a single meal!
I have had to take a leave of absence from work. I still have my miserable job to go back to after my Mom passes, so I can at least be thankful(?) for that.
Money issues stink.
Relatives that don’t have a single clue about caregiving stink.
Watching our loved ones fade away before our eyes REALLY stinks.
So vent away. We all need to or we might just explode!
So I agree with all the others, who said have them bring something on the way to Dad's and make sure they bring something he can actually eat and enjoy. AND if they would be so kind to bring extra juice, bottled water, for him to enjoy later since money is tight, that would be great, too. Let us know how it goes.
I made her Sunday salads
Put on her shoes and came when called
But this deserves no balla
As far as being too stressed to pick some thing up. Make something for you and Dad and suggest they go out and buy a pizza for themselves. Coffee and cookies is all I would have ready.
I am fortunate that my sibs all appreciate the sacrifices i made to move here and keep my mom at home. But even if your sibs don't understand or appreciate all you do, you need to stand up for yourself. Do not let them take advantage of your kindness. They should all take turns giving you a chance to get away for a few days occasionally.