Living with and caring for my 97 yr old dad and I work p/t. Got calls today from all my 3 sibs saying they are coming to our house for Father’s Day. Great, except I’m expected to “throw a party” for all of them. I asked if they could bring a dish to share and I got “ but we are 2-3 hrs away, that’s too difficult”. Whatever... I’ll suck it up for dad.
My sister just got back from 10 days in Jamaica, talking about her fantastic meals ( we eat bland mushy thing cause dad has no teeth ) her daily massages, seaweed wraps because she is soo stressed. Wanna talk about stressed? My therapy is wine. My dad has fallen 3 times this week while I was at work. My job is laying off all of us, gotta find something else quick. My sister doesn’t work but lectures me on finding another job, and yet complains that I am not home enough to monitor dad. Brought up that if we had to pay someone to do what I do, it would be room and board plus pay. She got nasty with me saying I should be happy with just room and board and “ fine we will put him in a VA home which is a death sentence”. Ugh. I feel soo unappreciated.
We are lucky in ways as my honey's brother and SIL are not only close family to my honey but to me too. My daughter and her family live a long way away from us and I rarely talk to my brother (on FB) and if the conversation starts it is because I started it. (he lives about two hours from us and have seen him once in over 10 years). My honey's brother and SIL are more family to me. They live in Houston and we live in North Texas and they make special trips up here to see us. The pick up food on the way or take us out to dinner when my honey is physically able to go. (they are coming up to help me take our fur babies to the vet for toenail cutting and shots). Seriously, your family when they come should pamper both you and your Dad instead of rubbing in about trips, massages etc.
Toller, please remember that as much as you love your Dad you have to think first about yourself or you will not be able to help anyone. Take a few minutes a day to work on a favorite hobby, read, play music or just in general do something that you enjoy. Your Dad is important but you have to take care of you both physically and mentally.
I guess you say I am a fine one to talk as I didn't listen to my own advice, while I was taking care of my honey (13 years) and am now paying the price with aniexty attacks, a bad back and other issues. While he was in the hospital and rehab I got a chance to get reacquainted with myself and now have boundaries set and am standing by them. If I don't, I won't be able to help my honey, anyone else or myself. My art ( I am an animal illustrator and portrait artist) helps to keep me sane and I have started back to doing therapy exercises to help my back. Now I make sure that I find time for me. I make sure that he well cared for since he returned home and knows that he is very much loved, but I believe he understands now that I need "me" time.
Hang in there and don't give up. And please keep us posted on how you are doing.
Tollermama1 and anyone else this kind of situation applies to:
From various posts/threads it *seems* like most siblings/extended family (and sometimes friends and/or neighbors) are clueless and/or useless, but there are some bright spots like Jnwitt's family! One cannot change their ideas, thoughts, opinions or behavior. We do have to just understand this is how it is and move on. If possible try to get any/all of them to try one day of care and see how it goes. I suspect in the majority of cases this will never happen. If it does, it will likely be a one time deal! A picture may paint a thousand words, but there is NOTHING like experiencing full time care of anyone, especially those with dementia (I include those like myself who take care of everything but the hands-on. Even that can be stressful, time consuming and frustrating!)
That said, the greatest percentage of responses and suggestions to this thread were priceless! The best were to just leave instructions, a list of local restaurants and disappear for the "celebration" to enjoy the "day off." Certainly no special cleanup or prep for their visit, and if disappearing isn't possible, then yes, feed them EXACTLY what y'all have for a "normal" meal! They don't like the food? Here's a list of the local restaurants and grocery stores... Help yourself!
Although Tolermama1's dad was sad that she would not be joining in, he seemed receptive to having a second special day. GOOD for you Tollermama1!!! We will be curious to know if there is another repeat "visitation" in the future!!! ;-) My bets are they will be few and far between, if any at all....
If I had relatives who would announce they are coming and not bringing anything, they would not be welcome in my home to be waited on hand and foot. I have enough to do/juggle now without having to cater to capable adults. If they can "manage" to drive all that way, they can treat it like any other vacation they take, pay for lodging and food. You want to come to my (or parent's home), don't come empty-handed or expect to be doted on. You are adults, take care of yourself AND your father! They should also treat YOU special, just because you deserve it for being the one who stepped up and provided the full time care (alleviating their need to do something!) Visit with dad, take him out, whatever, but don't put on airs and think you are royalty because you took a few hours out of your existence to "honor" dad. The only positive in all this is at least they were willing to come and visit. I read so many posts about family who do not visit or even call.
To have the sister come back with putting him in a VA home if you cannot care for him speaks volumes. Clearly she would not be wanting to or be capable of caring for him. Although calling VA placement a death sentence is a bit extreme, if for whatever reason you could not care for him anymore, THAT would be preferable to seeing him live with your siblings! Consider the care and treatment THEY would (more likely would NOT) provide. On learning the cost of AL/MC, my brothers were astounded and their first response in discussing moving mom was for that price they would take her in. Both were and are mostly clueless. Given seeing my older brother's most recent response to visiting mom while he was in the area (he is not local), he would NEVER be able to deal with her, especially 24/7. He visited the MC once with me when he arrived (we brought pizza and then I made myself busy with another resident doing jigsaw puzzle to give them time to visit) and then another day in the morning, he visited briefly by himself. That was IT for the 2 weeks he was here (we're still trying to clear out/fix/clean the condo for sale.) When I suggested he visit again and often while here, basically he said he wouldn't know what to do while there and would not go. Ooooohhhh, and you wanted her to come live with you, 2+ days away from here with no respite from us??? BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! The other brother needs reminders and reminders and query after query for "special" days before giving response and/or commitment. No clue how often he actually visits on his own.
Tollermama1 also said: "Seems my one brother is the golden child, if he calls once every 6 months and visits once a yr dad treats it like the pope is in town." I can relate to this. That same non-local brother used to call on Sundays when mom was still on her own. I cannot tell you how many times I heard "Oh D**** calls me EVERY Sunday (emphasis was hers.)" Okay... I call multiple times/week, stop in when I can, take her to appointments, do her taxes, took over her finances when it became difficult, provide help with stuff if/when I can and took her grocery shopping or brought supplies.... What am I, chopped meat? But the killer is when I stop by the MC place, it is usually "Oh, what are you doing here?" and/or "Where did you come from?" That first visit while he was here?? I got the usual, and then she saw him. You'd think it was the second coming of Jesus!!! Fawning all over him, oh her baby (he's the oldest.) I certainly don't need or want her to fawn over me, it is just a bit galling to see how she treats him, the prodigal son... Well, it is what it is. I do not expect him to visit again (can't handle it) and he is no longer welcome in my house or presence after throwing me to the floor twice during that last visit. I kicked him out of my house and will NOT back down (he was verbally and physically abusive when we were kids, but I thought perhaps he got over it - NOW I can see this never went away. We just were not together often or long enough or alone for this behavior to appear. Although he was testy during several visits in the last 2 years, and sometimes verbally abusive, I chalked it up to stress. Nope. This IS what he is. I've also learned about other instances of mistreatment of others, including mom, so WE ARE DONE!)
So cheers to all who take care of someone, know you're not alone nor is what you experience unique! There are many of us out here and WE appreciate you and send kudos for all you do!
Is your brother genuinely trying to help? Or just making sure the house doesn't lose value? I hope it's the first one.
Either way it seems like they at least realized they need to do SOMETHING. I'm sure that was because you stood up for yourself and I hope you continue to do so.
Teri thanks again for your kind words. When I get stressed out, it really helps me to think about all the things I'm thankful for.
Disgustedtoo, I can't believe you have had to tolerate your brother's abusive behavior in your own home! I'm so sorry!! What a shame that your mother treats him so well even after he has been violent with her. You're smart to not deal with him anymore.
I truly wish more of you got the appreciation and support you deserve from your families.