My 99 year old mom has fallen 4 times and has been hospitalized and sent to rehab each time in the last year. She will not follow through with in home care. She fires every agency that we have put in place. This time her doctors declared her incapacitated. (She lacks the ability to make decisions due to dementia). She is now in rehab and needs to go into assisted living. I am her POA. She disagrees with my counsel to remain in AL. The problem is she appears sentient but when it comes to her living arrangement she is completely irrational. She is screaming for a lawyer and is treating everyone with disrespect and disregard. I don’t know what to do anymore but I know I cannot live in this chaos much longer. I have been caring for her for many years. I guess I knew a while ago that she was getting irrational. But I thought it was just stubbornness or personality. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what happens next if my mom refuses to stay in assisted living.
If her behavior becomes too disruptive and aggressive the AL will likely insist she be moved to a memory care facility. Have a meeting with the AL administrator and ask them if they can handle her or if they think she should be moved to a memory care facility. Give them permission to medicate her when she starts up with the screaming and nastiness towards everyone. The other residents should not have to put up with someone like this. Get her medicated. It will be a kindness to her and everyone around her. Have that meeting with the AL staff though and let them guide you on what are the next steps.
These are some things I told my Mom.
1) The doctor said you have to stay .
2) You can no longer live alone .
3). If you don’t behave you will get kicked out and put in memory care with much less privacy .
And when she’s attacking you personally . “ Mom I did not make you old and I can’t fix old “.
Make your visits short .,
You don’t have to help her get a lawyer .
Get a letter from the doctor saying she’s incapacitated just in case Mom figures out how to get someone else to help her get a lawyer . Then you show the letter to the lawyer. Hopefully there are no meddling family or friends agreeing with your mother .
Rehab is a greatnplace to get the ball rolling for MC placement. Tell her that the doctor will decide when she can safely go home....not!
I understand that she will try to make your life hell. Stay strong. It is her disease speaking
Place her if you think it’s the safest and most reasonable choice for her best interest and yours because you matter too.
Good luck and please keep us posted. So many people don’t come back and update us and we never found out what happened.
Her brain is dying so it’s a natural turn of events that she doesn’t get to give her input anymore.
It sounds to me like your mom needs memory care (as opposed to AL) but the professionals will assess and advise you.
This is all dreadful to have to experience and deal with and I wish you courage to do what you have to and then peace. I’m assuming you are late 60s to late 70s yourself and I’m so sorry you are dealing with this now.
She is not in control any longer. You are.
Of course there's chaos. She is unable to clearly make rational decisions. She is scared. Scared of losing control (of her mind, of her independence), she is scared of moving in to a strange place. She's fighting against it with everything that she has.
It's just as scary for you making decisions for someone who is unhappy about your decisions. Be strong. You know you are only doing what you must to keep her safe and take care of her increasing needs.
Best of luck to you.
The problem here is that your mother is either more or less cognizant. This makes it seem as though ALF is proper placement. HOWEVER she is now assessed as incapacitated. That means she may SEEM cognizant but is NOT. And it may be time for medication.
Sometimes a low dose anti-depressant works.
Sometimes it does not.
IF your mother has any capacity at all it is time for a talk and you should do it with medical or a social worker there, or the administration. Mother needs to be informed that this "acting out" will land her in memory care where she will not like her roommate or the conditions. That she will get this one warning, and that then she will be in Memory Care where her money will quickly disappear and she will be prey to less good facilities.
Now if doc is right and there is really an incapacitated woman here, this won't much matter.
And if medication, the second resort doesn't work either...................................................
That means she will go to memory care. And very sorry.
There's only one question here really, and that is one of just how much control does mom have over what she is doing. Either way, things are now in your hands and you are going to have to step forward with firmness and get it done.
You have ALREADY DONE SO MUCH. She is where she is because of your good actions. She is 99. She will soon be gone. Meanwhile you (and she with what little capacity she DOES HAVE) need to make the best of this that can be made.
I am so sorry. It's a new year. There is a good doctor here who finally recognized where she's at. There's medication to try. There are placement options. And she is in care and cannot leave it. That is a good good start. Helpless as you feel, you have been anything BUT helpless in this. You are doing GOOD.
Again, I am so sorry. This has to be utterly awful.