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Sometimes I feel like lying and saying to my mother when she asks for me to come over and help her with stuff. Today, I had to work, so therefore I couldn't come over to help her move, After all of the aches and pains that I have been receiving after packing, carrying stuff to her new apartment, I was very tempted to call in sick to work this morning. I didn't do it because I would of felt bad if I did so. I am not sure why I don't do it too often, maybe my guiltiness kicks in and I do feel sorry for my mother, who is struggling on her own, while dad lives in a AL Facility. My Question has anyone ever lied to a loved one in order to get out of coming over and helping them with things? Is this wrong to do so?

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Hey, I thought of a good one. Have you seen that commercial where the young lady declines an invitation, because she says, "I have jury duty......tonight!" lol
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Is it possible to hire a moving company. If moving her is hard on you imagine how much harder it is for her.

She needs help to move, try and be creative to get her moved as soon as possible. She is probably having a hailstorm of emotions with all the changes happening in her life.
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Anonymous1256 Sep 2019
Sorry, we have no money, it's that tight.
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You have to protect your health. If you can help, do and if not. Say no. Maybe plan for after you've had some rest.
Most of us help to the point of ruining our own health. It's just a shame they can't see what they are doing to us.
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You do not have to lie, you can set boundaries and say, "Mum, I now you would like some help today, but I am unavailable. Perhaps I can stop by on Saturday."
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I tell white lies, brown lies and even the occasional black and blue lie to my 92.5 year old mother. Notice how I added the point five on there? Mother has dementia and is impossible to deal with on her best day. She still thinks I work full time when I switched jobs a year ago and only work part time now. If she knew I was home a lot, she'd be expecting me to wait on her hand and foot and sorry, that's just not happening. I can write a book about what she's put me thru the past 8 years she's living nearby, and all the trips to doctors, hospitals, specialists, rehab, ERs, specialty shoe stores, and the list goes on and on. I've moved her SIX times in 8 years alone, and my back is broken from just that. She complains constantly and has filthy things to say about everybody. I get a stomach ache every night before having to call her for the latest bitch fest.

Yes I lie. It's called self preservation for an only child and doer of everything. I need my sanity to be kept intact to deal with the next crisis.

Do whatcha gotta do to survive, that's my take on it.
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Emma1817 Sep 2019
Lealonnie, you sound like the sanest person on this site. I wish you a swift and peaceful end to your crazy nightmare!
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I go for honesty. Your profile says you have some problems. Mom has to realize that you are getting older. That you have limits. Set boundries now. Tell Mom you only have so much time in the day. Work takes up most of it. You can set a day of week to help her shop and run errands. That at this time, you need a day to yourself because you have aches and pains from helping.
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I usually tell LOs the truth, but they rarely like it...lol. I have gone to extremes to assist them, so I don't feel bad saying no, when I've had enough. Giving people lengthy explanations is useless & makes you sound pathetic. It's not a crime or a sin to say no to people. Tell mom u will be there in a few days, (practice some boundaries without guilt). Accept that she will be unhappy with u but that's ok.
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You do what you have to do. If you don't think carrying boxes is good for your back, I would say that. I was recently asked to carry large cases of bottled water into the house. I said, that I would need to cut the plastic and carry them a few at a time. That I don't carry heavy stuff. It's not worth me hurting my back. It wasn't appreciated, though, and they got huffy, but, I don't care. Standing up for your own best interest is good. If not you, who will do it? What's wrong with saying that you have plans and would be able to help another time and set one that works for your schedule?
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No, lying is actually a necessity in this instance. We all find ourselves telling white lies in order to maintain our sanity. No guilt here!
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Anon1256, some more info would be helpful: - how old is your mom? - does your mother have any cognitive or physical challenges other than age? - does she have the financial means to hire out some of this work? (not your money, her money) - when you say your mom is "struggling" on her own, in what way? Financially? Emotionally? Cognitively? Organizationally? - does your mom still drive? - is your dad able to help doing any tasks at all? My mom is 90 and she often forgets that we are all not retired, so she asks us to help her at the time she needs the help, not before. So no ability to plan. Sometimes I just let her know we are happy to help but need to do it on such-and-such date (I pick the date, I don't wait for her to try to "plan" in advance). We don't get her in the habit of dropping everything when she asks for help. She sometimes gets a little cranky about it, but that's just reality. You shouldn't feel guilty about this -- you have a job and a life...and your own challenges. I think it is better to explain to your mom that you can't take off any more time from work because it will cause a financial and physical hardship on you. Then schedule a time to spend with her, maybe it's just social, and you can start an on-going conversation about future expectations of your involvement and what is "reasonable" for her to expect. If you come from a recently emigrated family, there are "old world" notions of caregiving that don't readily translate into our American lives. Give her as much assurances as possible, plus she is most likely lonely (and that is not your fault, you are not responsible for her happiness). Call her more often just to chat and talk about positive things whenever possible. if your mom is moving to an apartment as part of downsizing, is there a reason she isn't going into independent living in the same facility as your dad? Just a thought. Hope this helps you! Check back here for more support and wisdom from the community!
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