I need advice because I tend to not make good decisions, and I don’t want to make anything rush. For context, my parents have been married since the 80s, and their relationship was a bit complicated. I come from my father’s country, and my mother’s living in my father’s country. Now that me and my sister moved out of the country because we both married to foreign men and living in a foreign country, my mom is alone with my dad. And for the last 15 years, they never had a good relationship, and my mom’s mental health is declining, and she has a little bit of dementia and depression. It’s very difficult for me to move on and to build my life in a foreign country when I’m feeling guilty about my parents back home. And then my dad is angry that I’m not focusing on my life, but it’s difficult for me to focus on my life when I’ve been receiving calls from my mom crying and complaining about her living condition with my dad. So I came up with a solution that my mom also has another daughter, an older daughter that lives in my mom’s country, and we have been talking together, and there’s a solution that she will move back to her country and live with her oldest daughter there for some time and come to visit me and my sister in the foreign country. My dad says that this is a very rushed decision, and she’s supposed to be with him to spend the rest of her life there. The problem is my mom doesn’t want to stay with my dad, and she’s very lonely, and she doesn’t even speak the language of where the country she’s living in, so that makes her very isolated. My dad doesn’t want to listen to this and use her mental instability as an excuse that she doesn’t know what she’s doing, and it’s his duty to take care of her in the house. But me and my sister, we are not able to live well because of the constant phone call my mom’s giving us and complaining and sometimes even crying that she doesn’t want to live there anymore. So I’m just torn between letting my dad live alone without my mom, which is much better for him because she’s making him stressed also by shouting in the house. What should I do?
the environment at home is not nice and when I was living with them I was taking care about the cleaning and I know it is not easy to clean. So I suggest to my dad to bring someone to clean the house at least once a week and we are willing to pay for it. And he got angry and shouted at me on the phone that it is not a solution. I told him we can find a stay in cleaner and he declined. He doesn’t accept any service we offered and my mum is snot accepting to live in this kind of condition.
I feel so helpless
If your mother really wants to leave, why hasn't she just packed and gotten on a plane to her daughter in her home country?
Stop stressing over your mother. DO NOT offer to pay for a cleaner or live-in housekeeper out of your own money. If you think your dad is abusing your mother, call Adult Protective Services and ask them to investigate.
Also it seems like cultural issues are at play, as in your Dad thinking your increasingly demented Mother should be cleaning a house that you described as "not easy to clean".
And, we don't know anyone's financial means. Taking in your Mom would (I assume) mean forever paying for her needs: room and board and medical, etc. This may not be sustainable. Your sister may not have any idea what it takes to care for a person with advancing dementia. Many people burn out. Is your sister wealthy? Does she have kids living at home? Does she have a job outside the home? Does she enjoy her social life (because that will diminish as she is less able to leave your Mom unattended)? Will this older daughter have an actual legal ability to make decisions on your Mom's behalf?
More information would be helpful, but you really need to know the rules surrounding elder care in the countries you are considering for her to live.
You will need to deal with the laws of the country your mother is in if dad won’t cooperate and you think your mother is being abused.
However, please know that your mother may not be happy anywhere. Advocate for her with dad to get her medical care in case there are medications that could help. Otherwise you need to limit contact with mom while you learn to detach from her sadness until you can be supportive of her living situation. She no doubt misses her daughters and you miss her. That is sad but not uncommon.
A visit to see what the situation is would be one way of knowing that while your mother is ill, she is being cared for. Is that something you could do? Have you and your sister been gone a long time?
Or perhaps there is a medical resource, friend or neighbor who could be verified trustworthy to check this out for you?
Treat your anxiety in order to live your life and do what you reasonably can. If you are a mother, realize if you stay overly distressed and involved with your parents lives, you are not only setting yourself up to be miserable but also your husband and children’s lives will be affected. They need you to be present where you are.
Your mother and father had their reasons to be together and to not part. Your father sounds like he is accepting the responsibility of caring for his spouse. He wants you to accept your own responsibility of your own family. Limit the time you spend on the phone with your mother. Notice the time of day when she is better and try to speak with her then.
Know that she has a disease that is difficult enough for your father to manage without his daughters interfering. This is not an easy situation but you must know that many circumstances in life are difficult and must be managed because they can’t be fixed. I am sorry. It is a terrible disease.
And you should NOT be jeopardizing your marriage all because your mom isn't woman enough to stand up for herself and find her own voice with her husband. She obviously has her voice with you and your siblings, so she now needs to use it with her husband, and you need to focus on your husband and your marriage and not your parents.
It's truly not fair to any of you to have to take in your mom at this point in your lives when your just getting started establishing your lives and marriages, so if moms not happy and needs some help, she needs to file for divorce, and go to whatever country she wants to as long as she's capable of moving into a place where she'll receive the care she requires, if she truly requires any care at this point, and without burdening any of her children, as children are not to be their parents old age plan. Period, end of sentence.