My mom is 84 with multiple health issues. She has dementia, wants desperately to drive again, she hasn't driven in 2 years due to her health. She has a bad back so has leg pain from the pinched nerves, falls a lot because the one leg gives out due to pain.
How do I address this issue? I have done everything to try to figure things out but to no avail...but she will suddenly start to cry and say she wished she would die....
I too have suffered from pinched nerves. I've had 2 series of steroid injections in my back. Before the second series the flare up was so bad, I said the pain was a 12 out of 10 - I even broke out in a rash along the line of the nerve - possibly shingles. I don't wonder that your mom is crying and wanting to die. I was miserable - I couldn't lie down, sit or stand or walk without excruciating pain - usually standing and walking eased my pain, but not this time.
While she doesn't want any drugs that make her dizzy, how about going to a pain clinic - that's where I got the series of steroid shots (see if PCP can recommend one), or find a chiro who uses GENTLE methods. I even found the over the counter TENS units and used them. Does anything help ease her pain? ice, hot packs? My mother has had 2 back surgeries and still experiences pain - she uses those hot patches that adhere to the skin - though CVS does have one that doesn't adhere to the skin - there is a belt sort of wrap and air activated heat packs that insert into the pockets. They may give her a modicum of relief, I've also used them and found them helpful.
I had a pinched nerve in my late 20s, and it is very painful. I did not wish to die, but quite honestly it did not care, if I did, as death would have been a relief.
I do not think this lady is depressed, I simply think she is in legitimate pain.
My pinched nerve eventually move out of entrapment and the pain went away.
Has she been to a physical therapist? They may have some suggestions for natural methods of pain relief.
Dealing with pain and frustration is hard. It’s hard for us to see them suffering. Wishing you and your mom well.
Is she in pain?
If so what can be done.
With chronic pain can come depression so..
Is she depressed.?
She should see someone and possibly medication can help.
She is dealing with the facts that she is aging, she is in pain, she wants to do things but can't. (perfect recipe for depression...)
Help her acknowledge the losses, independence, the chronic pain she has.
If it would not upset her you might want to ask her if she could drive where would she go? What would she do? Has she gone there before...
Also acknowledge the fact that she says she wants to die, tell her that you will miss her when she does die. If you have not already you might want to ask her what type of funeral she wants. (If you and she can handle this conversation it is a tough one but important)
Your Mom is mourning her many losses, and while she lives they will continue. I am 79, and long ago gave up my license due to eye issues. It is an but one adjustment on a long slow slide down for us elders, and that's simply a fact of life. We face losses of bodily function, increased aches and pains in the body, losses of senses, losses of abilities and mobilities. We face losses of control over our own lives, our own minds, and inevitably and eventually losses over our mental faculties to remember who we are.
Not a pretty picture, not a situation for "fix it". Some issues belong to our doctors to work with us on. Certainly the balance is one of them. Some issues have answers but some answers have side effects. And some things can never be helped.
What can you do? Very little, but to accept that it is a torture to witness this, and to witness our grief and anger and hopelessness and depression and helplessness as these losses increase. No amount of "But Aunt Irma is SOOO much worse than you; she can't walk at all", "see at all", "function at all".
Simply tell your Mom you are so sorry these issues are occurring in her life. Help her with the few things you CAN and are able to IF you can, help her set in place plans as things progress, make certain all her paperwork for DPOA is in place, speak to her, but more than that, LISTEN and tell her you are sorry.
Help her know what she can still do. Take her to lunch, to a movie. Help her shop and make it fun more than a chore. Get her a once a week housekeeper to get under those beds and sofas, clean those windows on the stepstool, etc. if you can afford to help out in that way.
Basically know she is just talking about all of this; it is luggage she is carrying. When she sets it down don't pick it up for her. My daughter is almost 60 so oddly enough when we are talking on the phone about this or that bunion, we BOTH have them! It is almost a comfort! She can't pick up my luggage because she is already hauling her own, and hobbling as well!
I wish you well.
From personal experience, once the pain was lessened, my mood improved 1000%!
Sending you a big hug.
"I have done everything to try to figure things out but to no avail.."
I am not quite sure what you are trying to figure out? Your Mom has bouts of sadness, or grief about aging?
And I would ask my doctor about trying some form of antidepressant, because being in misery shouldn't be part of aging. if your doc is resistant find one who isn't.