Mom is falling everyday. Is she having strokes or is she just weak?
Mother had a hip replacement in March (?) around then--spent 8 weeks in rehab then came home (lives in an apt with my brother's family). For the last 8 weeks or so, she has been falling, the last 2 weeks, she has fallen every single day. She has a "fallen down" alarm pendant, but it rarely works as she really just blacks out and slumps to the floor, so the alarm does not go off. She is too weak to push the panic button on her own. Last week she laid on the floor from 11 pm to 5:45 am when she regained her ability to push the alarm. She also loses bladder control when she has these episodes, and her ability to speak for a length of time. She's covered in bruises, but can't tell you how she got them. She falls only between 10 pm and 6 am...never during the day. Out of 5 siblings, only 2 of us really take care of her. I went yesterday with my hubby and we put in a bed guard rail--but she wouldn't let us install it the "correct way" because it would have meant moving a little side table she has..she completely flipped out when I showed her that to install it correctly we'd need to move this table--screamed at me and said "You have taken everything from me...I'm keeping that table"...I know at that point to walk away.
Realistically, even is she is having mini-strokes, there is nothing we can do. She is able to take care of herself.....barely. I go there 3-5 times per week, and do what I can, but I make her angry, so I usually don't stay long. She says very hurtful things to me, and yes, I know I am supposed to let the comments roll off my back, but they still hurt. I guess I am wondering if this passing out and falling down is leading to a bigger stroke, or if this is a normal part of aging. (She's 85). I don't know how my brother handles it-- she will happily use up every minute of every day he is off work, when I can step up and do some of this for her--she won't let me, b/c she doesn't like me as well. We cannot get the other sibs involved, they just don't want to be. I guess I'm just venting, but I do want to know if this blacking out and falling is something to be concerned about...or if it's just more of the aging process. Sure wish she could be nice to me.....when she passes I am going to be so exhausted and sick of her unkindness...I don't think I will even care--and I know how awful that sounds.....she can say the cruelest things to me, and I am still trying to learn how to let it go. I'm trying to clear her apt of obstructions and falling hazards and she's screaming at me that I am trying to take all her things away from her (a ratty kitchen rug, a bedskirt that trips her up, a bag of wet depends she leaves in the hallway....) I don't get her at all. I REALLY wanted to move her to AL but the other sibs all said NO WAY--well, THEY don't care for her, so it's easy for them to say. They have not seen her the day after a fall when she is incoherent and covered in fresh bruises. Just wonder how long this can go on.
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I'm not sure who has legal authority over her, but it seems like she's in dire need. She could have any number of medical conditions or progressing dementia. I wouldn't wait for something drastic to happen to get her attention.
As others have said, you need to find out what is causing the fainting. Is she still on any type of pain pill for her hip replacement, that could easily cause the fainting and loss of bladder control. Or it could be an inner ear imbalance. Or she can't feel her feet by the time evening comes. Or a knee that give out. Make some excuse to take her to the doctor.
Blacking out isn't part of the aging process. My Mom is 97 and has never had a fall. Yet my Dad who is 93 is always tumbling over as he is losing his balance doing stuff he shouldn't be doing in the first place.
If possible, I would try to get her to an appt. with the family doctor over these falls and blacking out incidents. You could fib and say the doctor called to remind her of an appt. she "already" had scheduled if you think that would work. The spells do not sound like a normal part of aging, and the fact that it happens at night is making me think there is some medical answer -- think about how when your kids were sick and it would always get worse at night, you know?
Your instincts are spot on, there is something going on and she needs to be seen and evaluated. I think you are wrong about not being able to override your siblings wishes. Since they are basically not involved, I think that leaves you in a great position to do just exactly what you think is right. They may show up later and complain, but you can say you did what was needed, and likely the doctors will back you up.
My brother stated that this is part of her "living will" that she doesn't want anything done to "artificially lengthen her life". I disagree with the wording of that and the lack of basic concern about the falls. When I go to mom's to clean or to visit, all I hear about is the drama of the last fall. She very recently was checked for a UTI and does not have one. How do I just haul her to the Dr? She is very feisty, and doesn't much care for me. Any time I suggest anything (such as a CT scan following the really bad fall on Monday) she says "Oh let's wait and see what R has to say" ...as I am grinding my teeth in frustration. R is the brother she lives with, what he says is pure gold, as he is an EMT and she thinks he knows everything. BTW, the bedrails are coming down tonight. That was $100 wasted on something she thought she HAD to have! As we installed them I was thinking "this is such a bad idea".....oh well----
My mil ignored warnings to stop smoking (she had copd) and when my husband would visit and try to reason with her over this, she would threaten to report him to APS. She chose her youngest to be POA, someone she exerted total control over. So that when she decided to starve herself to death after open heart surgery, he said "fine, okay, this is what mom wants". People who are competent make choices. We don't have to kill ourselves "fixing" these things.
Well. You could go over her head. Take pictures, take them to her doctor, outline the living situation and recent history, etc. etc. But to be honest you'd just be covering your you-know-what. Because, whereas one would normally agree that your brother is being an ostrich and the other sibs - well, goodness knows what they're thinking - your brother has an unusually good case for not taking this further. Also, it sounds as if you've no questions about your mother's capacity? So even if you did appeal to higher authorities, if she's competent and she says no… everyone's on a hiding to nothing.
What DOES R say, besides referring to the living will I mean? If she's keeling over for no obvious reason it sounds like a blood pressure issue, wouldn't you think? Is that side of things under control? But rather than some herbert on the internet (i.e. me) guessing, I'm sure you'd rather just get her checked over: and I don't believe R can justify withholding *all* medical treatment on the basis that she doesn't want heroics. It's not the same thing. As you say.
Meanwhile, at least it won't be you with the broken hip. I can't think of anything else very comforting to say, I'm afraid. No teeth grinding! - you'll make your migraine worse. Best of luck, hope you get somewhere.
This isn't about bedrails. It's about denial and failure to protect a vulnerable person, whether she is nasty because of depression or misjudgement or because she's been nasty lifelong does not matter as much as the simple facts. She is living alone with an alert button she cannot and does not use, and under those circumstnaces probably should not be. There is no guarantee APS will do the right thing, but you will have done the right thing by making the call. I'm sorry you and hubby are the only rational ones in the family who can see this is no good, it is a heavy burden to shoulder, at the risk of alienating siblings to boot...
My advice step back. Allow your mom the dignity of running her own life. Sometimes are parents are nasty, because that is the only way they can get us to back off. Trust her judgement. You and she can just relax and enjoy each other.
I came upstairs and told my hubby about the call. He blew up. (This is a man you CANNOT get riled up) He said "you get yourself OFF that calling list and step AWAY from your mother's care. It's killing you. If you won't do it, I will do it against your will, for your own good". whoa----so I am doing that. and this am I am retrieving the bedrails and walking away from it all. I will still visit mother, but I cannot fight R, I cannot fight my mother and I cannot fight the 3 other sibs who do not care what is going on.
However, I very likely will call APS and report the situation. Mother is going to die, and sooner rather than later, I know that, but I want to see her have a better quality of care until that happens. Thanks all for the wonderful answers and support--I do feel so very alone in this.
Big hug. What I wish for is that you will soon be able to enjoy spending what time remains to her with your mother, instead of its turning your hair white. Best of luck.
As to the other commenters: Thanks to you also. I am not going to step out of mother's life, but will greatly reduce the amount of time I spend with her. I do no understand R's denial, nor can I figure out why he will NOT allow me or anyone else to take her to the dr or an ER. Last night he was yelling at me "I will NOT see my mother in some MRSA ridden, urine stained facility in her last days"...I said "Hey, calm down, I am suggesting we have her checked for a UTI and maybe a CT scan to see what's going on. I am NOT saying drag her up the street and drop her at the front door of the nearest nursing home". On my way now to pick up the bed rails and say hi. R will be home, but he sleeps a great deal of the time. Not hoping to interact with him today. I doubt, BTW, he is thinking of an inheritance..there isn't anything to inherit. Our oldest brother (deceased) pretty much sweet talked mother out of most of her liquid savings over the years.....she has a small SS pension and that's it. I can't see that R would want her to die sooner rather than later. I just want what we all want--for her to be happy and independent--but the independent part if gone now. We just need to work together to help her be happy. (CountryMouse--my hair is mostly white now--I raised 5 kids before I had to raise mother)
I can't believe your sister has the gall to be angry. No one minds making useful sacrifices, but there has to be a point. What does she suppose is the point of your being rousted out in the middle of the night only to be vetoed by your brother?
I have a card I've been waiting to send someone (if I can think which of my friends won't think I'm getting at her) which quotes Gloria Kaufman thus: "a mother should be neither cocky nor proud because she knows that the school may call at any minute to report that her child has just driven a motorcycle through the gymnasium." Five! I've only got three and I'm still getting over it :)
And BTW, R has the power to change the calling list from her panic button. My sister, who set it up, and swears she has always been 2nd on the calling list, was not even on it. R put only the people who actually live in his house on the list (4 of 5 of his kids are over 21 and certainly able to care for mother). They can always call 911. R is beginning to wear out, and he is not as in denial about Mother as I thought. So, altho he refuses to entertain the thought of an assisted living facility, he is getting sick of the manipulation. He did tell me to take a couple weeks of respite and jusy not come see her-he was going to call the non-present sibs and give them "assignments" to come see mother, clean her apt or take her to appts. They don't call or come unless something dramatic happens. I will enjoy the break.
I understand the other point of view that maybe she just wants left alone and she is the one who does not want care, but I see on indication that she understands there could be something wrong that could be treatable and not treating it means she could die sooner, much sooner than she has to, and she still does not want it.
Honestly, in some sick, weird way, Mother seems to love the attention she's getting. She's been this way my whole life, why should she suddenly change in her dotage?