amy109 Asked February 2014
Mom signed the papers to leave AL at the end of March with my brother taking her home. I don't agree. Any advice?
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"Mother dear. Do you remember mentioning how annoying you found it when I speak to you in my nurse's tone of voice? And I understand that you would. After all, you are my mother, not my patient.
"But here's the thing. I AM a trained, experienced nursing professional. I cannot help taking a professional view of your health, safety and welfare. Now, I realise that when I try to advise you it doesn't help because, instead of listening to what I say, you feel annoyed and defensive. So it is not only frustrating, it is counterproductive for me to be involved in looking after you. It makes things worse, not better, for us both.
"Fortunately, there are many other people who will be happy to give you any help you need. [Fred] has already said that he will contact you three times every day to make sure you're ok, and I will be helping him by putting him in touch with any outside services - such as nurses or home helps - as necessary. And, of course, I'll be visiting and calling you as normal, just like I did when you were living in your ALF apartment, only I'll be there as your daughter, not as your care-taker.
"And we'll see how it goes. If you're worried, or if you're not managing, you can always let us know and we can think about what to do next. How do you feel about that?"
Your mother will, of course, come up with a long, long list of things you - you wicked ungrateful child - should be doing for her. And to each and every one, you answer "but how can I do that? You won't let me."
You also take notes. You write down a list of what she says she wants. It is a racing certainty that at least a few of them will be mutually exclusive. Organise the list and read it back to her. "Can't be done, mother," you say, rubbing your chin ruefully.
The really important thing to remember is that at the end of this and any similar conversation, you get to get up and walk away. And that is something you are free to do at any time. Never forget it. Get up, and walk away. Speak kindly to your mother, understand her myriad anxieties and dissatisfactions, but at the end of it, get up, and walk away.
So "he has a plan" well so do you and that's to keep Mom in ALF. No one has POA so Mom can do whatever she darn well pleases. I agree you may have to pick up the pieces BUT that does not mean enabling her to remain at home if it is not practicle for her to do so. When she can't manage and bro is out of his depth then and only then step in and arrange for the only alternative which is to return to ALF.
Make it very clear to Bro and Mom before the end of March that this will be your only involvement. Go out and buy a new pair of big girl pants if the elastic is shot in your current pair. it is going to be hard but you know the alternatives and you came here liooking for advice and everyone seems to be in agreement so good luck. We are here for you.
Your mom wants to live at home and that involves tradeoffs. One tradeoff (if you're smart) will be to let her and brother handle these issues. They will find a way. Your mom won't be happy, because you're changing the equation, but as long as you tell her ahead of time and make clear what you will and won't do, she's been warned. Stick to your guns!
Here's a question. How am I going to tell my mother that things have changed? I am not the main man anymore. Everything will be in his hands (except any bathroom issues..he has told her he refuses to do that) I see it now. I will remind her to eat her veggies and oatmeal, she'll say OK, I'll see them in the fridge uneaten. About 3 days later I'll get a call that she needs me to buy her an enema. She'll do it herself, or try to....the rest is up to your imagination.
I have to leave my mum because of the lack of support i get from my brother he lets her do what she wants and just ignores me he rarely calls here and does the ODD job and hes her "hero". So let him at it unless youre here caring 24/7 you wont get it and just how hard this is.
My advice for your own mental state is be a daughter to her but let him take on the full responsibility of her care yes harden up and walk away when you have to or this stress will make you ill.
Its so easy for siblings to let mum have her way when it dosnt effect them ive been an idiot here letting siblings walk all over me because i had an accident and had no choice but to live here in mums but "the worm has turned" i am demanding help now but sadly it took a ministroke for siblings to be forced into doing something. My sister will take her now for 12 days yeh great but nobody wants to discuss long term solution so the only way they will is if i walk away and i will.
Like you if family arnt all on the same page with your mums welfare then its heading for disaster thankgod ive one brother who totally supports me and then another IDIOT of a brother who seems to be in denial of mums illness.
Good luck but let him take over now you need to back away and let him see how stupid his actions were. My brother "snaps" at my mum after 15mins here as she wont wear her hearing aid can you imagine if he was caring for her fulltime. Let your brother see that you are right and maybe then you can both agree on her long term care together?
Hugs heres to stupid brothers!!
Reintroduce yourself after 2 to 3 weeks when they have had a chance to meet their new reality. Your brothers actions have created a fork in the road, that is the best time to introduce a major change....he took the I initiative to make a change, so he needs to deal with it. You need to take the opportunity to introduce your own major change, passing the primary care giver baton. You can drop in and out on your own terms.
If he wanted to bring mom home on his own back, I would applaud him, but if he did it at your expense and without your blessing, he needs to experience the consequence of his action.
Not easy dealing with family dynamics and expectations.
Take care
L
If you are the halth care proxy, that is a different matter. That would leave you with the option to decline to serve in this role if the move should take place and asking your Mom to draw up a new document.
In any event, you can suggest that a PT come in to inspect the home to see that it works for your Mom. That will give your brother an independent opinion and likely a 'to do' list to get it ready. As we all know, siblings are rarely on the same page as parents age. Keep us posted.
Yes. Your BROTHER'S plan. So, mom can call HIM 3 times a day if she needs to and HE can deal. That's the only way it would be in my world were he my brother.
What everyone else said, too..
Nearly ten years ago, my mother had a full hip replacement, elective. It was arranged that on discharge she would spend four weeks sharing her sister's ALF apartment and having PT, and then return home with a full care package. All sorted.
Ten days in I get a triumphant call from my mother to say she's home. "You're WHAT? How come?!" Oh darling [my elder brother] gave her a lift.
Darling elder brother did this on a Sunday afternoon, without so much as putting in a courtesy call to social services or her GP's office. He thought he was being a knight in shining armour. Actually he was being an irresponsible twat. I still haven't forgiven him and it was nearly nine years ago.
So your brother's rose-tinted view has made my blood boil. CRETIN. Ok, though, if that's how he wants it. You have given them a qualified opinion. They are choosing to act against your judgement and advice. Fine. Mother goes home, he has officially taken responsibility for her welfare, you wash your hands of it. Put it in writing. Wish them the best of luck with their exciting new arrangements and let them get on with it.
You will, of course, have to harden your heart quite substantially, and buy a new phone, but this is your only route out of the bullshit guilt and resulting stress. I hope you can do it, because I feel SO frustrated on your behalf.
Good luck and let us know how you get on.
You are so right about the strife it is going to cause. Unfortunately for me as it concerns her, I no longer work as a nurse. I switched careers and can name my own hours. She knows that. So, as far as she is concerned, I can plan my hours around her. I really appreciate your response to me. You've been more helpful than you know. I will just stay strong and be prepared to pick up the pieces. I have done the 2 AM emergency visits with her. Hopefully she will be near the phone when it happens again.
And has your brother figured out how exactly your mom is supposed to make her check-in call if she's lying on the floor? My dad fell while I was gone and laid on the floor for hours. He was unhurt in that he didn't break any bones but just lying there landed him in the hospital for 4 days until he was transferred to a nursing home where he died 6 months later. Just taking a fall for an elderly person can be catastrophic.
Let your brother know what you're willing to do, if anything, to help. And let him know what you're not willing to do anymore. But if your brother says that he's going to take over caring for mom pitch in as much as you can, as much as you're able to do. Remember, you've done your part, you've put in your time. This situation may just go full steam ahead without your input and there may be little that you can do about it.
The last bad fall (which sent her to hospital and on to a nursing home) came at 2 a.m. - she'd fallen again the evening before. I lived in the basement but I'd got up to pack away some chicken to freeze otherwise I'd not have heard the bang and been able to call EMS or she'd have been on the floor until the next morning.
Will your mother actually call 3x a day? That's once every 8 hours, so she could conceivably fall and be on the floor for 8 hours. If she doesn't call then someone's going to be running over there every few hours.
As a nurse, do you work full time? If you do I suggest you say you can't be called during your working/shift hours as you can't leave work. That puts more of the onus on your brother to do the running, which he'll quickly get tired of.
What your brother is suggesting is a recipe for disaster but if your mother and brother are determined, there's little you can do about it but be around to pick up the pieces when the inevitable occurs.