Mom is 82 years old. A few months ago my brother, who had lived with mom for years died. She had a nervous breakdown and her health took a drastic turn for the worst. I lived three states away (Texas vs California). Three months following my brother's death, I am with her now. What was meant to be a month stay has turned into a 24/7 caregiver. She isn't able to live alone and any family support isn't there 24/7.Now mom has income and assets to allow her tap into to arrange home care but she won't do it. She feels her insurance will do it and it won't. I have tried to talk with her to let me help with her finances and arrange outside assistance. Again, nothing doing. Present situation is she has been in and out of the hospital three times; in and out of rehab three times. She can't live alone and relies on a wheelchair to get around. Biggest problem is that she won't eat or drink water. She has some 100 reasons not to eat and most water she gets is when she takes her meds. She is very weak now. She is a very angry woman. She spends most of her time fussing about the past or sitting alone. She stays up late at night, like 12-2am.Then sleeps during the day. Refuses to do rehab training. Of course I am experiencing caregiver burnout because of her "doing it her way" mentality. Currently, she is bad in the hospital with a new ailment, this time her kidneys. Most likely her not drinking water. However, back to the short question, the money that she saved for times like these isn't doing her any good if nobody can spend it to help. What can you do?
That could very well be the reason that she's not eating or drinking as she wants to die too, to go be with him.
It might be time to talk to the doctor if they think it may be time to bring hospice on board, or if an anti-depressant is in order, or both.
If your mom hasn't designated anyone as her POA, and won't, then the only thing I believe you can do is seek guardianship over her from the courts. The down side of that is that it will cost you several thousands of dollars to do so.
Or you can call APS and report a vulnerable adult living by themselves that shouldn't be and let them come out and take over her care.
There are no easy answers here and you shouldn't have to stress yourself out over this because your mom was irresponsible in not taking the proper steps to make sure you or someone else could look out for her best interests in the event that she couldn't.
Perhaps since she's now in the hospital you could ask the social worker to have a talk with your mom about the importance of having POA's, and if need be can even help you get one signed by your mom while she's still under their care.
Please take care of yourself as you matter too in this equation.
Unfortunately mom is on a downward spiral. After you're gone, the hospitals and rehab and social workers will have to deal directly with her. I'm pretty sure the social workers will be forced to jump in and find a way to get her taken care of. I don't want to use the word enabler pertaining to you because you're a devoted caregiver who is doing her best, BUT. If you weren't around, this might already be resolved.
Or you can scrap that point of view altogether, and then what? You're at the end of your rope. I'm so very sorry. Someone on here has a name for parents like your mom - they're adult brats. I'm thinking they're halfway between adult brat and mentally ill, but anyway. You don't have to do this. Ask yourself whether you're helping or hurting. Then proceed. I wish you luck!
My condolences on the loss of your brother.
Good luck getting mom placed.
You cannot insist someone else eat and/or drink. You cannot dictate what someone else does in terms of getting care.
What you CAN do is to stop enabling this care, go back home and live your life.
This is all to say that your mother's decisions for her own life are in her own hands
UNLESS you feel she is UNSAFE.
IF she's unsafe, undiagnosed, and in danger then someone needs to intervene to get her placed into safe care. I suggest THAT NOT BE YOU.
First of all, it is difficult enough to act for a very cooperative and kind and wonderful person; I know because I did it. It is IMPOSSIBLE to act for someone uncooperative, for whatEVER reason (just because that's who they are or because they are demented.
If you feel your mother is unsafe it's time to call APS and involve them. Let them know you are leaving and you fear for her safety. Be open to their suggestions, stopping short of guardianship or POA (which she wouldn't confer anyway).
This could be as simple as depression or as complex as dementia, but it doesn't really matter which it is. It is not in your control. Let your mother know that, and leave her to her doctors and the support of her community. We all die; often we die as we lived. I say this as someone your mother's age. I may make ALL the wrong choices; they are mine to make. Woe and betide the person who attempts to make the decisions FOR me while I am still Compos Mentus.
Currently you are enabling her by doing everything her way.
I feel that in order to retain your own health and be in the lives of the rest of your family you should contact Adult Protective Services a.k.a, APS. Their professionals have years of experience to draw on. The Medical POA will relieve you of so much stress! There are creative ways to get her to sign that. My Mom had Glioblastoma, I convinced her that she was signing her tab after buying me lunch. It felt bad to do something like that because I felt dishonest, but it benefitted her because I was able to keep her in the right place for care until she passed.
I'll be thinking of you,
NaNe
🙏🫂🤞🏼❤️
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