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My mother has multiple myeloma and has had it for a couple of years. She's 92.
I moved into a one story house 5 months ago and she moved in with me a couple of weeks later so that we could "spend time together", which we've been doing, although we don't always communicate well (NPD).
I know that she will get sicker and sicker eventually and is currently on hospice.When I moved in and she moved in, the idea of being a caretaker was not even on my mind.
We both thought that, with her cancer, that one day, she'd be really sick, have to go to the hospital and would stay there until she passed.
Since she's lived here, she has had 3 diarrhea blow outs causing me--the person with contamination OCD-- to almost lose her mind when I have to clean it up.
The first I said, OK, no more.
The second time I said, I won't do it again.
Recently, today, the third time happened and now we are seriously talking about assisted living.
We spoke about it earlier in the month but decided she would stay here and get help when she needs it.
Selfishly, she said she wants to stay here, but that's only because she has everything she needs to be happy throughout the day: coffee, newspaper, hours of news, breakfast cooked and cleaned up, and dinner cooked and cleaned up.
If it weren't for the fact that I am not equipped to clean up feces and have hard time doing it at all, she would stay here. But this is the hardest part for me with my disorder.
But the rational side tells me that she is going to get worse (the cancer is probably causing the diarrhea and probably won't get better) and she is going to need much more care in the near future.
The ease that she can get 24/7 care whenever she needs it is what will give me the peace of mind. I am only 53 years old and an only child, (my father passed in April 2022) and have just retired and I feel very much trapped and anxious not knowing what will happen, when it will happen, etc.
I know that with my own anxiety, as she gets sicker and sicker and has to stay in the house, I won't be getting much, if any sleep when that happens.
So, what I want to hear is that it's not selfish for me to want my mother to be in assisted living because, in the end and eventually, it will be a blessing as her health gets worse. Also, her hospice company works for the assisted living that we have in mind.
Any and all advice and opinions are welcome. Thank you for listening.

pmalemes, when my Dad moved into senior living, he really loved being around people of his own age group. He loved eating in the dining hall menu style. He was so happy there, and he kept saying he would have moved sooner if he had known such a place existed. The employees loved him, he was so easy going :)
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Reply to freqflyer
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No, this is not selfish at all. She needs more care and different care than you can provide. That is just reality. Better to face it now and get her situated than to come to a crisis later and have to scramble in a panic.
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Reply to MG8522
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pmalemes Jan 15, 2026
You're absolutely right. Thank you.
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Your Mom is the selfish one...expecting you to clean up her blowouts on a regular basis? What is she (or her Hospice team) doing to try to control it? Such as disposable underwear, or medication (like Imodium) for controlling it? Where are the Hospice staff, if she is supposedly on Hospice? I'd make a big push to get Mom into the AL you have in mind. Don't let her stall and be lazy about it, since she already has her free Caregiver Slave handy.

Mom moving in was obviously expecting you to be her hands on caregiver. You are very naive to think otherwise. No mention of hired help at all? Mom would have everything she has now in AL, plus her place regularly cleaned, laundry done, not have to cook, shop or do dishes. Yeah that really sounds awful, doesn't it? Just like a Federal Prison, huh? I'd be packing her up myself to take her to her chosen facility TOMORROW.

You mentioned Mom is currently on Hospice. Do you realize if Mom is on Hospice in your home, you are expected to provide the hands-on caregiving for her 24/7? Hospice only sends a nurse over twice a week at the most, for an hour or so. I'm sure Mom was told this when she signed up for it, aware of the requirement for you to be her full time Caregiver, before she moved in.

You are not even close to be considered selfish.
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pmalemes Jan 15, 2026
Thank you so much for this. Hopsice does seem a little useless at times. They have provided chucks, depends, wipes, and have said to take Immondium and Gas-x and gave her a prescription for taking an hour before she eats to prevent acid reflux. They only come twice a week and have basically tols me to contact their "hotline" as I like to call it.

Yes, I've known all along it would be just me and that's the most difficult part. We've gone (I've gone) back and forth with the AL, home, Al, home and I know that eventually, she will need so much more care than I can give her.

I am naive. When she moved in I thought, OK roommates until she gets sicker and then somewhere else. The word "caretaker" as not even something I imagined I'd be until suddenly you realize that's what you are.

I am naive in all of this.

We are going to visit the AL facility Saturday and I am going to push and insist, even though my mom seems to be OK with it and knows I am dealing with a lot. Thankfully.
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I hope that your mother can receive appropriate care for whatever is causing her toileting accidents. It seems that she isn't receiving such care now.
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pmalemes Jan 15, 2026
You're right. Hospice knows all about it and has only said take Immodium when diarrhea and Gas-x when gassy. Nothing else. I have been keeping a food journal trying to see if something triggers it but it seems pretty random when it happens.
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First of all, I want to say please don't feel guilty. The majority of caregivers reach a point they're just not able to meet the needs of their loved ones as patients. In assisted living there is a team of professional people doing the job you're trying to do by yourself.

My grandma had Alzheimers and she also had fecal incontinence. The cleaning up of that was my breaking point. I ended up in the hospital. I waited far too long to get help. With my own health issues (Crohn's disease and chemo) I had no choice but to put her in assisted living.

Second, since your mom has cancer, I'm wondering if she's suffering from some treatable condition. I've had colon cancer and chemo is very hard on the tummy even after you finished the course.It sounds like she should be looked at by the doctor. There are prescriptions that the doctor can give her to help, like Questran powder.

Regardless, I recommend finding a nice place for her before you reach your breaking point. You can't help care for her if you're completely at the end of your rope. My grandma was actually much happier at the assisted living facility because she had activities every day and she made friends there. And she received much better quality of care, too.
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pmalemes Jan 15, 2026
She's actually not on chemo and hasn't been for a very long time. She was on chemo for 2 months back in 2023. The hospice team says it's the cancer. I've looked it up and it could be calcium in her blood, etc.
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Take away her coffee because of the blowouts. And all sweets and juices. Tell her in AL she can have those back but not while she is living with you because it will contribute to more diarrhea. Also she MUST wear depends at ALL times in your home and that's non-negotiable. Remove any regular underwear from her possession and replace with Depends. If she doesn't like it it, sorry, but it is non-negotiable.
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Reply to ShirleyDot
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pmalemes Jan 15, 2026
Thank you
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It’s not selfish of you .
You did not make Mom old and in need of assisted living.
Fecal incontinence is VERY often a deal breaker for taking care of a parent at home . You are one of many in that group .
I wouldn’t want my kids having to deal with that at home.
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Reply to waytomisery
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pmalemes Jan 14, 2026
Thank you❤️
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Your mother can get all she's getting in your home in Assisted Living, plus autonomy. Why folks fight AL is beyond me. I'd never in 100 yrs want my children cleaning up my blowouts. Or waiting on me hand and foot, either. That is the definition of selfishness, not you wanting her in AL.

Best of luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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pmalemes Jan 14, 2026
Thank you. The validation means more than you know. ❤️
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