Mother making demands on the house I purchase. How do I handle this?

You've gotten a lot of good replies here - #1 being, buy the house YOU want.

I'll only add that I personally have told many that I can only afford to keep myself; there is not enough money to support an extra mouth to feed.

Also, when you take someone in, you can wind up responsible for their expenses and their bills, as in anything they owe debt on, could wind up on your shoulders.

My 2-cents worth is, "let her pout." Parents don't cater to the demands made by children and personally, I don't think the children should have to cater to the demands made by parents.

I always say, the unwritten commandment is, honor thy children.

Buy the house that YOU want. If she brings it up at the holidays laugh and say "that is not happening" Treat it like she MUST be joking. If she pushes make it clear to her that you will make sure she has a safe place after dad dies BUT it WILL NOT be under YOUR roof. She lived her life and did not plan for her future, that should not impact your future.

The next time she brings up what she needs in a home, let her know you can't afford to have anyone there but yourself, that the house will be only for you. You've saved only enough money for a small place. She must find something else to suit her needs. It almost seems a joke that she would expect this, but apparently she is actually serious. No. Absolutely no.

What ever you do make it clear to her now that although you love her and will always try to help her and keep her safe, under no circumstances will you have her to live with you. Your life will never be your own, if she is telling you what house to buy she will then be telling you how to live your life and she certainly won’t want you to meet anyone else who may distract from her.

If you allow your mom to move in with you, it will become her house and you will be her guest. Look up everything you can find on this forum about boundaries and put it into practice. You must tell your mom she will not be moving in with you! Don't leave this confrontation for the holidays. Devise a way to bring it up and practice what you'll say, with no ifs, ands or buts. You could say, "I love you Mom, but you can't possibly move in with me." You don't have to offer an explanation or reason. Just tell her how it's gonna be.

You sacrificed and worked hard for your new home. I repeat: your home! Not your mom's; she already has a home.

Let her sulk, pout and hold grudges. So what? Your mom can put a damper on your holidays, but only if you let her!

Newhouse - I totally understand your position as it sounds like our mothers could be one in the same. That said, you must put aside any guilt you are feeling & live your life in the present. She has no right to push her demands of what she wants in a house onto you. You buy what makes you happy & unless she is paying for it (which she is not), she has NO say. She is also quite certain she will outlive your father. The woman is making many assumptions & that is all they are. I know it is often "easier said than done" but trust me, unless you intend to let her suck the life out of you and let her steal your joy, you will get her stated. You buy that townhouse, fulfill YOUR dream. You can simply tell her you are buying what suits your needs & let it go at that. If she gets mad, so be it. She will eventually get over it & you can stop giving her power over you.

Much as it is nice to be able to share one's enthusiasm about something so wonderful as buying your own home (CONGRATS on making it there!), your mom is not the one you should share this with, at least not until the deal is done. Even then she will likely bring it up and moan about how it isn't set up for her. Become tone deaf. Don't respond to any of it. Change the subject. She will likely keep coming back to it, but don't respond.

If you really feel you need to respond, you can place the blame elsewhere - this is all I am approved for, this is the only nice place close to where I need to be, etc.

As for some comments you made:

"I feel like a monster for not wanting to be my mother's roommate or full time caretaker."
Try to excise those feelings. It is somewhat natural to feel like it is your duty to see to your parents' care, but if you really don't want to or can't, don't harbor guilt about it and don't let her guilt-trips stick. Sharing space with a parent or providing care full time isn't for everyone. There are a few on this forum who will also try to guilt you (they raised you, they provided everything for you when you were a child, etc) - IGNORE them.

"We don't have a contentious relationship currently and she was a young single parent and did do a lot for me."
Clearly you care for/about her. Just reassure her, if you have to respond, that you will see to it that she is cared for. No specifics, just that you will be there for her.

Feeling like you owe it to her doesn't mean you have to take her in or provide hands-on care if she needs it. There are many ways to help out/pay back. My parents did a lot to help me out when I was divorced and raising two kids on my own. Taking my dad in if he just needed a place to live probably would have been okay. If he needed help physically, I would have to hire someone or find a place for him. My mother is a different story. Always telling me what I should/shouldn't do, criticizing decisions I made, telling me to get rid of my cats or take no more pets in when they pass on, etc. No way could I share space with her. Even before dementia there were times she could drive me out of her place quickly, once in less than 10 minutes! General rule of thumb was the maximum was 4 hours, and that was when others were there as well. Alone, the max was much lower. Now she is in MC. We tried bringing aides in, minimal 1 hr to have a "sanity" check and make sure she took her medication (they can't dispense but can check the timed dispenser and point it out.) Wasn't long before she refused to let them in. So plan B, move. She refused to even consider this option, whether it was a facility or with my brothers. As far as owing her anything, I was the one who spent the most time/effort/money seeing to it that she was cared for and placed, and that everything else was taken care of. I continue to be the one who oversees everything and manages it all. NO regrets there.

"However, we also have very different lifestyles that I don't think would mesh at all for either of us."
This is generally the way it is for any kind of co-habitation. If you've ever had roommates, few ever last a long time. Usually one or another upsets the flow and the arrangement has to change!

Focus on buying what makes YOU happy and enjoy that! Tune mom's song out. If she starts in on it and won't be diverted, find an excuse to leave and go.

In reality, we have no clue what the future holds for any of us - she could pass first, you could pass or become disabled yourself. While we can make long-term plans and hope for the best, we have to live in the moment. This is your moment, relish it!

Lots of great advice which I hope you listen to and heed. I think so many adult children feel like they are still kids and not adults around their parents. What I read is that you do not quite know how to have boundaries and you also don’t realize that you hold the power. The issue here is to have a plan, know how to deal with your mother's inappropriate comments and hold firm. Perhaps a visit or two with a therapist will help you know how to do these things.

I gather no one has said no too often to your mama.
You have almost answered the question yourself...you are one of many of us without kids or it sounds much family (any nieces/nephews?) to be there for YOU, so YOU have to look out for YOU. To that end, I have to say...if you're really looking for a place you love and want to stay in...the accessibility issue re stairs that mama brought up MIGHT be a consideration...but that is so beside the point. Mama doesn't get to trash your plans. And you deserve your own space.
Nice that she's looking out for her OWN interests and plans now though.
I'd be getting a note to her MD --while they can't communicate discuss with you unless you have the permissions etc--they can't stop you from communicating and sharing info...so let him/her know mama is anxious and it is not well controlled.
I always like avoidance as a coping mechanism LOL. Any chance you'll be invited away for the holidays? Or just decide, for a change to take off? Even if you hide out in your own space? Either that or say you're not discussing it on the holiday. Or maybe have the big scene blowout and tell her YOUR plan and sorry, I'll help you find a place, but it's not going to be with me. I'd say unless it is temporary, but that may evolve into a situation you don't want.
Search on guilt free...I know it will be hard because you obviously care about her, but you get to care about you too. I've seen before where kids without siblings are made to feel so responsible...

Go buy your brownstone. You and your parents need to sit down with an elder care attorney and get some of these details worked out and on paper. Who's to say your dad will die first? Too many questions will be left unanswered. Elder law will help you and them find the best resolution.

Hello. I’m an only child too. It was rough growing up and rough now that my mother lives with me. I made sure she knew that she can’t make demands. Standing up to her is something I had to learn, I sought help. I had to learn skill sets that took years to learn, still learning. Get help with this. You deserve everything good in this life. Whatever you do, do it with love and kindness. Your answers will come to you.

Do not accept this, you will be a prisoner in your own home. My Mother moved in 29 years ago. We made an apartment in our basement for her. She was able to do her own thing. But since then we have moved to a larger house again she had her own area Bedroom bathroom and a den. Her health decided now she has Louie Body Dementia, she woke up one day living in the past not knowing where she was, or who we were. But if it think about it it was coming slowly little signs I missed. Now I am a prisoner taking care of her, yes I am an only child, she is widowed twice. She is not demanding but drives me crazy wants to go home to her parents, my mom is 91, and has no memory past the 1930’s.
Her Mother actually died in her arms. I have to watch her 24/7 she has no balance can’t do anything for herself except feed herself and that is a horrible mess. I find her food all over the place. I could feed her like she wants but I refuse. I do her diapers, dress her, bathe her, put her to bed get her up in the morning. Fix all her meals, snacks etc. the only relief I get is to put her in respite for a vacation.
My social life is gone, I cannot attend events, I must bring her along or stay home with her. Dr. Appointments, hair appointments, shopping etc.
i must bring her along. I gave up my job (life) to become her caregiver.
i do love my mother but I dread my life.
so my friend do not except, do not become a prisoner like me.
good luck to you.

I agree with ALL of the above comments and will not reiterate as they are spot on.
The only things I would add is..... how it never ceases to amaze me how some parents assume it IS ALL about them.... as the other member commented, they should take care of their children, and if the circumstances are such that they have been decent parents, then making sure their later years are safe and healthy goes without saying. This DOES NOT mean, surrendering your life, money, mental & physical health, etc.... You will regret this if you do it, I promise you.
I believe your mother should be offering her encouragement and best wishes in your home buying decision, not raining all over it with the all about her statements.... this underscores my opinion that her selfishness will worsen, not abate.
A point worth considering .... and this comes from a Libra/peacekeeping at all costs gal.... stop and really really think about it, explore why the pouting and grudges really bother you? The reason I bring this up is that a lot of my decisions over the years have been driven by the fear of a negative reaction, and not being loved by all, all of the time. It is a daily struggle for me, but I have had to. Make myself learn to be more true to myself, this does not mean not taking others feelings into consideration or being outright rude and insensitive, but rather, NOT allowing your decisions to be ruled by the reactions of others. What meets the definition of monster? Taking her out in the woods and leaving her there.... well maybe...... not wanting to surrender your life ..... absolutely not! While I don’t know you personally, I know for myself, it was hard for me to accept that perhaps weathering the pouting, freeze out is somewhat driven by my own need for loving affirmation, and less about right and wrong. If the people in your life, especially your parents, truly, unconditionally love you, this should not be a part of the equation .....period. That is conditional love, dependent on how well you please....
You are not running a country here, just your own life.
Sorry to be so blunt, but sounds like your mother is looking for a life raft, not a mother/daughter relationship.
As to how to handle the holidays, you may choose not to discuss it, but I agree with the others, you HAVE to nip this in the bud. How you do it is up to you, but I would move forward with my own house plans. If she chimes in, either don’t respond or start your boundary setting.
I think grown children still see themselves as the “little ones” wanting to please and not upset their parents. I can tell you as a mother of grown children, who I am very close to, I would never expect this of them, unless I lost my mind and did not know better. I am super sensitive to their need for some privacy as well as mine. What I would expect and consider fair is their involvement in the management of my care, placement if necessary and continuing a meaningful relationship with me. I would never want to hold them hostage for my love and acceptance.
Hope this helps, best wishes!

First ..do you want your mom to move in with you?
If not then you need to make that VERY VERY clear right NOW!!!!
If moving close is an option maybe a 2 flat or a house with an in-law unit attached might be an option. Even 2 Condo units next to each other would work.

If you want mom to move in then you need to sit down and put your "wish list" down take her "wish list" and see what can be found. (make sure you both have at the top of your lists what is must have going down to would be nice to have, but could live without it items)

If you don't want mom to move in and you don't want her close then tell her now so she can start looking for Senior Housing. There are long wait lists for many of them so she will have to be patient.
If you don't want he moving in DON'T let her guilt you into letting her move in. Just read some of the posts here to give you a preview of what your life would be like if you do cave it.

Buy what YOU want and seriously plan for her to live elsewhere in the future. There is so much more I could say, but that one sentence is it in a nutshell.

My son and daughter in law built their house so they would have room if I or her parents needed to move in. I was forced to move out of my apartment because of a 200 percent rent increase. I was trying to get into a senior complex that had central heating and air and I didn't have to pay any utilities. The waiting list was really long. I asked my son if it would be possible to "temporarily" move in with them, putting my stuff into storage and once they had an opening I could then move into the apartment. And I'd pay them rent until then. My daughter in law (who I do get along with) works horrible hours and the two of them have very little time together. Maybe two or three hours each day. So I knew I would have to give them space and pretty much stay in the basement apartment when she was home. (really only a couple of hours a day) They came up with the idea of instead of staying with them, that if my name came up to the top of the list before my lease was up (the major problem I was having to get the apartment) they would pay for one of the rents while I went ahead and paid the other. (FYI, they live in Wisconsin and I was in Ohio). It worked out great. An apartment became available two months before my lease was up. I was able to take the apartment while still paying rent on the original apartment. I had been putting money aside for the move so was able to handle the cost (security deposit and such)and it made moving so much easier as I didn't have to do it all at once. My church stepped up and moved the big stuff so my son didn't even have to come to Ohio to help me move. It was a win win for both of us. I get to live with neighbors in my age group and enjoy central heat and air that I control and my kids get their privacy. (me too) And because it's a rent control apartment I haven't had a rent increase in three years. Open communication was the key to this working out. My daughter in law and son also gifted me the extra rent so I wouldn't have to pay it back.

Many a Slip between the Cup and the Big Lip...MOM'S...Yes, Lots can happen Down this Dirt Road so Relax. many Good and Able Seniors go into Assisted Living and the Rest, At your Best, Put them in a Nursing Facility.
Enjoy your Life, Stop all of the Strife.

I'm with the "set boundaries" crowd. And do it immediately and repeatedly. The next time she makes any reference to moving in with you, respond immediately, calmly and firmly by saying,: "Well, THAT"S not gonna happen.. So what's your plan B ? " Then repeat as needed. And then buy exactly the house you really want, where you really want. And most importantly DO NOT tell her anything about the house search or purchase until it's a done deal. Then let the grudges, sulks and pouting begin. Those are not your responsibilty. And don't forget to put down boundries about how much of that you will put up with too. Refuse to stay present, or stay on the phone for those tactics. Firmly, calmly, quietly say: I'll see you later when you are in a better mood. Then go enjoy your new home.

My husband's mother invited herself to move in with us and it has been the worst three years of our lives.  She behaves like WE are living with HER and that our house is hers. Our last argument was her telling us the new paint for our kitchen "is not going to happen" because she did not like the color.   She makes demands as to every inch of the house...wanting everything her way.  It has put a unnecessary and unwanted strain on our marriage, finances and well being.  So...all in all, my advice is to nip it in the bud right now.  She needs to have her own place.  She has had her life...DO NOT let her take yours.  She got to pick out her home, decide where she wanted to live...she has no right to take that from you.  Entitlement knows no age apparently.  You will grow resentful very, very quickly...believe me, I know.  She bought her home and had her life, now it is time for you to have yours.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with her living in a small condo or apartment of her own.  DO not settle or you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.  You have worked hard and saved for what you want.  Get it.  She can hold a grudge, fine.  Do not let her do this...it will set the stage for her behavior for the rest of your life.  My mother in law has made my husband and myself miserable.  We are empty nesters and thought that once our children left for college we could have peace and privacy...now we have none.  She literally behaves as if we are living in her home and that we have to cater to her.  We cannot even have a private conversation between each other or on our phones... It is awful.  I would hate for the same thing to happen to anyone else.    Always remember, her lack of retirement planning or lack of self reliance is not your problem or your obligation.  Trust a perfect stranger across a keyboard...make it clear she needs her own place and that is that.

Boundaries by Dr Henry Cloud & Dr John Townsend

I suppose it just crosses some people's minds at some stage - what would I do, where would I live if suddenly alone? An occasional worry about the future but as you say, your Mother has anxiety so she will worry more.

My Uncle said if Aunt went first he'd move in with his only daughter. She said "it will be lovely Dad *for the week* then I'll drop you at a hotel". It was said many times as a jest with much laughter - although were both serious.

Would humour work for you? Or maybe just respond to the worry "Wherever we both live Mother, we'll be just fine".

Congratualtions by the way - enjoy your house your way :)

I agree with the above answers given here for you! My mother had the nerve to have all her items boxed up and sent to my house about 15 years ago (not even warning me beforehand that she was going to do this!). I refused to accept the shipment; my mother was ticked off with me, but then bought her own home about ten miles away from us. She developed dementia/Alzheimer's about seven years ago, and I stepped in to take over her affairs, placed her in a home, and made sure she was well-taken care of. She passed away about a year ago, and I do not regret my decision to not accept her into our home. She was looking for someone to take care of her and we simply did not have a close relationship; it would have been an overwhelming burden for our family and a strain on our already tenuous marriage.

I am just curious. Does your father know about your mother's intention to destroy your life with her selfishness (after he dies, of course!). It would be interesting to know what HE thinks/ feels about this situation!

Please do what is best for YOU. You matter; your life matters.

When we built our home 20 years ago, we designed it with a full bath in the main floor and 2 rooms that could be converted to a bedroom + sitting room or closet. All with the plan of my elderly parents or childless, widowed aunt to move in. All have passed & now it is the plan for hubby & I if need be.

MIL commented a few years back that it would be perfect for her if FIL passed 1st. Hubby, who had a few beers in him at the time, told her flat out it wasn’t going to happen, that she could live with her daughters. Oh my, the pouting & guilting never stopped. Fast forward a few years ... FIL passed, MIL moves in with her 2 daughters (that live together) and within 2 months it’s not working out. SILs decide MIL should move in with us because we have the room. Hubby, with no beers in him this time, flat out told them it never was or will be an option and if they can’t make it work then MIL should move into AL.

Guess they are making it work. SILs stopped talking to him when he held firm to his boundary. The added bonus is because they no longer speak to him he no longer gets the calls or texts demanding he do this that or the other thing.

To be clear, he did not abandon his parents; he just stopped being the family doormat. His 2 sisters were both gifted house down payments (each individually & then when they bought together), yard equipment (tractors, mowers, etc.), new appliances, purchases for room upgrades, free child care, & vacations throughout the past 30 years. During that time my husband, I, & our 3 sons helped my in-laws while my 2 SILs & their children did not nor were they expected to because “they are single parents & are too busy”. Hubby & his 2 brothers all now feel it is time for the 2 sisters to now help their mom who only helped them all these years.

My dear, parents are OBLIGED to care for their children.

You are not obliged to take in your mother due to her lack of planning.

Thank you, everyone. I will be more firm with her next time I see her, and she starts up with this. She is trying to get a part time job over the holidays, and I'm hoping this gives her something productive to do with her anxiety.

I feel like a monster for not wanting to be my mother's roommate or full time caretaker. We don't have a contentious relationship currently and she was a young single parent and did do a lot for me. I do feel like I owe her. However, we also have very different lifestyles that I don't think would mesh at all for either of us.

Buy the house you plan for yourself, and enjoy your life there. If Mom won't be comfortable there it is irrelevant. If she complains that she won't be able to live there say, "I understand; when you are ready we will find you a place (nearby?) that you will be comfortable in" and do it. Keep to this a simple conversation and don't let her debate about what you should do and why. If she fusses at you, just explain concisely that you have to plan now for your own senior years. Say as little as possible. She is old and insecure and not thinking about you in any way other than what she perceives as your responsibility to care for her. She is forgetting that you must first care for yourself.

Look into 55 and up income based senior apartments in your area and put her name on the wait list. You may also want to place her on a section 8 wait list for the elderly. You don’t have to go along with her plans

In this case only, I will pass on the information once given to me:
"Do not put it in writing". "You leave a paper trail behind you".

This may apply to Newhouse. Would not want someone who holds grudges to use written promises against you.

Hold off on focusing what you are not going to do for Mom. Focus on saying you may help her find separate housing whenever she brings this up. Hope that is helpful. Even though I agree with AlvaDeer, when she says:
"(possibly by mail so that she is unable to argue before she understands the facts) ". That may be a good idea.

Could it be that Mom is just talking out of her anxiety? It causes you anxiety, I hear that.

This could happen 10-20 years from now? You have time to change her expectations of you maybe.

The holidays are not the time to discuss this.
However, soon after, you owe it to yourself and to your mother to tell her (possibly by mail so that she is unable to argue before she understands the facts) that you are very sorry, but her moving in will not be possible now or in future. She has a right to the dignity of honesty, and to know what is ahead so that she can best plan for it. She needs to know that saving what she is able to is crucial to her future, that she must not "gift" and must be aware of the 5 years medicaid lookback.
I think, moreover, that you owe it to YOURSELF to understand now that you do not wish EVER to live with your Mother. We are human beings with limitations. I could not live with an elder, cannot with my brother. I know that and am honest about it. You don't get along well now, and that is certain to worsen as she ages.
Please be honest. It is VERY unfair not to be. It is, in fact, it is inhumane.