My dad's wife is in the hospital and has been for 6 days (dad and her are both in their 90's). We only found out because his home health care company called and told me and asked if we knew. He has round the clock care as he is mostly incapacitated. He can barely walk to the bathroom from his recliner and otherwise is in a wheelchair. He eats and brushes his teeth in the recliner. He doesn't get out of his apartment (independent living) except for doctors visits. He has slight dementia (MOCA tested at 14-moderate impairment about 3-4 years ago). I'm not sure if he even knows what medications he is taking. My sister told them she was coming for his doctor appt (we always go as she is not proactive) and she wasn't there as she had gone to the hospital. If my sister were not there, he would have missed his appt which was important as he had just changed meds 4 weeks before. If it weren't for his wife living with him, he would be in assisted living.
The concern is, we don't know, and perhaps don't necessarily need to know what her medical issue is (although dad has told us she had cancer and a blockage and she had surgery) but we feel like we DO need to know when she is gone for extended periods of time. She has told us it's none of our business and she is taking care of it from the hospital. We still don't know when she's coming home or if she has cancer and will be having chemo. And she won't tell us as she says it's none of our business. She has been calling the caregivers from the hospital. She wants to remain in charge of everything.
I am next in line for MPOA. Question is, do we keep hands off and let her continue to operate this way? Is it really none of our business about my dad being left alone in the care of 2-3 caregivers coming and going each day? Is it legal/right for MPOA's to operate from the hospital? Just trying to get a feel for what we should and should not be doing. Sorry so long! Thanks in advance for any suggestions!
In your MPoA doc, what are the conditions under which your authority is activated? If it is incapacity of the primary, them this is a waiting game.
Or, you could not wait for a crisis and therefore a gap in care for your Dad and consider downloading DPoA forms from online (Legalzoom, Rocketlawyer, etc). Find a mobile notary and 2 non-family witnesses and explain to your Dad that his wife can still be involved but she is sick and in the hospital herself. I downloaded forms for both my Mom and MIL and have had no issues.
And for good measure get a HIPAA Medical Representative form from each of your Dad's doctors so that his team can legally discuss his private medical information with you without further consent or his presence.
I would keep close contact with the wife's daughter but maybe don't tell her what you may be up to...
Just because the wife wants to continue to control things doesn't mean she should. It's irrational that she's hanging on so tight to it. Why? Do you have a rough relationship with her?
I hope it all works out.
As his wife is in her 90s, has cancer and is controlling, you might have a better chance of gaining control than if she were younger and well.
A certified elder law attorney in your dad’s city of residence is recommended as they will know how judges in that area lean and the ongoing reporting etc needed.
Try to gain access to information and to dad while she is away. Take your cell phone and make lots of photos of finances, address books, mail, med cabinets if you can gain access w/o alarming the caregivers.
Perhaps you can have sister to keep them distracted while you gather info. Know that the wife can block you from seeing him so be careful.
This invasion of privacy is how we sometimes find out things aren’t quiet as in order as we were being led to believe. Scams, bills not being paid. Insurance policies lapsed etc. are sometimes uncovered. OR you may find that she is doing a great job on taking care of their finances and managing his care.
I suppose some health portals are better than others. Mine is loaded with info. I didn’t realize how much until I started clicking on everything that was a link. Your sister evidently didn’t have a problem on the last appointment with dad. Did a caregiver go as well?
It is surprising that your dad’s wife is willing to share portal access given her controlling nature. Also the fact that she has caregivers is good. Many adult children on this forum would love to have parents managing so well w/o lots of family help required.
Dad, if like most, is probably happy with status quo. You saw how he reacted just getting out of the house. My LO was like that when she had to go out.
It’s a catch 22 of sorts. He is being cared for. She doesn’t appear to try to keep you from visiting. Perhaps you and sis could work out a rotation of visiting more often to keep a closer eye on things. It would be a lot easier than dealing with advocating his care in a facility.
The home care did call you so hopefully you can develop that relationship to keep the lines of communication open and you will know how to gain emergency guardianship if necessary in the future if the attorney recommends not filing at this point.
About the lying. We caregivers call that “therapeutic fibs”. Sometimes necessary and often kinder if knowing the truth would upset him.
If you think that your dad's needs are not being met
You could try to obtain Guardianship.
This is difficult
this can be expensive
this can ruin any relationship you may have with siblings step or otherwise.
But given her health condition or potential condition can she manage? And if she has surgery I would think that during the time that she is under anesthesia my guess is legally you would be POA for the time until she is once again in complete control of her mental status.
Is your dad's wife a step mother?
Is the sister you are talking about your dad's daughter, your full sister or a step sister?
If it is your mom in the hospital and if she is cognizant then she can keep her medical information private.
(Although if you are on her medical records as listed on her HIPAA form the hospital staff might give you the info you want)
If you can get the Hospital Social Worker to talk to her about the importance of providing you with information that might help. If not then you do the best that you can with the information you have.
I can not imagine being a POA for someone that refuses to give you information that you may need and possibly soon.
I also think it is not a good idea to appoint a POA that is in the same age bracket that you are in. Pick a generation or 3 younger than you are. Being POA or Executor is not a young persons game.
Update: my sister texted the wife and surprisingly she replied. Said she's in contact w the caregivers and they know what he needs. She doesn't know when she'll be home because tests are still being run. She's been there for 6 days now. I'm just surmising at this point that we just sit back and wait and see with her/my dad.
Or try a legal consult from a pro bono elder law attorney. Try the National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys - www.naela.org, click on Find a Lawyer, and search by your state or zip.
Best wishes to you all.