Mom is 88 years old and a long time alcoholic. She is almost blind and uses a walker because she broke her hip twice and still lives alone in a regular apartment. She complains about how tired she is but still walks a mile (each way) to buy liquor even in winter when the roads and sidewalks are covered by snow. Sometimes she falls in the street.
She won't ask anyone to pick it up for her, because she knows that we think she is an alcoholic. I have refused to buy it for her before, but now I don't know if I should start.
She is risking her life by walking to the liquor store and has ended up in the hospital because she falls in the street. She won't use a car service or ask anyone to drive her. She will let us order regular groceries through a delivery service. But not liquor and cigarettes. Should I start buying it for her? Her doctor says she is competent and has the right to make her own decisions.
I loved your response to my post.
You have compassion. In short, you have a kind and caring heart.
I agree. She can’t be forced into anything. I feel that she should be allowed to die in peace with dignity. That’s all I wanted for my brother in the end.
Thanks for understanding my sentiments. I saw this most of my life with him. Sounds like you have a great deal of experience. You’re wise and sensible.
Some situations cannot be fixed.
Not every elderly parent has that problem .I can relate to it because I have a controlling daughter. I don't have a problem with booze but I have epilepsy and she wants to control me. I don't let her, we were on the outs because we didn't agree on who to vote for.Here is a poem by a man who was 100 in March. He wrote in 2007. My best friend is 102 and she sent it to me,
PITY THE NATION, WHOSE PEOPLE ARE SHEEP,
AND WHOSE SHEPHERDS MISLEAD THEM,
PITY THE NATION WHOSE LEADERS ARE LIARS,
WHOSE SAGES ARE SILENCED .
AND WHOSE BIGOTS HAUNT THE
AIRWAVES.
PITY THE NATION THAT RAISES
NOT ITS VOICE,
EXCEPT TO PRAISE CONQUERORS
AND ACCLAIM THE BULLY AS
A HERO
AND AIMS TO RULE THE WORLD
WITH FORCE AND BY TORTURE.
PITY THE NATION THAT KNOWS
NO OTHER LANGUAGE BUT ITS OWN
PITY THE NATION WHOSE BREATH IS MONEY
AND SLEEPS THE SLEEP OF THE
TOO WELL FED.
PITY THE NATION-OH PITY
THE PEOPLE WHO WHO ALLOW THEIR RIGHTS TO ERODE
AND THEIR FREEDOMS TO BE WASHED AWAY.
MY COUNTRY, TEARS OF THEE,
SWEET LAND OF LIBERTY. "
'
I can't think how you could get her to stop drinking. It is harder than most people think and can take a long time. It is a fight they must fight everyday the rest of their lives. No one can make anyone stop drinking. Many people in very bad shape die every year drinking. Very sad. You mom doesn't have much life left at this point. I know this is a heart break for you. I have visted assisted living places and they did allow residents to drink alchol and to have it in their room. If you don't want to try marijuana for your mom, I would be on the side of you getting her what she wants. I have always been a teatotaler. People laugh at me because I never drink alchol. I am glad I never started because I would not have wanted to become addicted. I have seen so much of that in others. I do not judge. Nobody wants to become addicted but it happens. May you find peace in whatever decision you make.
I can see both sides of the issue, and each side raises valid points. Both sides point out the good and bad points of your 2 choices. And I feel very deeply for you, because there really is no good option.
I've said before: if your choices were always good v. bad, life would be simple. But, unfortunately, sometimes your choices are bad, worse and worst. And that sucks, because we are left dealing with the fallout.
So my advice is this: make the choice that you can most easily live with the inevitable consequences - because ANY choice we ever make has consequences. And you, my friend, do not need to justify your decision to anyone.
I suspect you've already, privately, made up your mind on what to do, and you're maybe looking for validation. And that's ok. You obviously love mom and want what's best, within the scope of what she's willing to do. Whichever decision you make will not make you a bad person, or a bad daughter. Be at peace with what you decide to do.
God luck.
He has emphysema, high blood pressure and now beginning of Dementia.
Most of all of that is from Drinking and smoking:((
My hubby is 77. Im a lot younger. I was caregiver for my mother , she lived to be 100:)) no drinking, except a glass of wine with dinner or lunch and NO smoking:)
I limit my husbands drinking now, (dementia is sort of helping me) Anyway, he likes bourbon, I buy it and bring it home delute it almost 1/2 with water and I found a bourbon extract to make up for the color and taste:))))))) I give him a flask a day THATs it when its gone no more! I dont let him have it until 1pm.
He also like occasional oj and vodka, thats easy to dilute:)) as it is clear. Ive been doing this for quite a while now. Hes happy becuase he gets his bourbon and Im happy that he is not falling down drunk:((( Your mom is not going to quit at that age so maybe you do like I did and let her enjoy the rest of her life?! Maybe get her to write down her cigarettes when she has them and maybe she will cut that down as well. Good luck God Bless.
Result - a happy home!
this went on until I married and moved away and couldn’t run to his house. The last time he had a binge a neighbor found him on the floor of the bathroom was there probably 3 days he couldn’t get up,
landed in the hospital found out he was also diabetic. It took that to make him stop permanently.
your Mother must have a episode that scares the sh*t out of her. And you getting the booze for her is not helping.
Remove yourself from the problem! If she wants take booze she can get it herself! Till something scares the sh*t out if her.
And her falling has almost come to an end.
Then, there was the cigarettes. I was leaving a carton at a time. I wasn't worried about her health as much as her safety from causing a fire and anyone who lives near her. So I started only giving her a pack and only when she asked for it. She eventually forgot that also although she periodically thinks she wants one, but it does fade when she doesn't get it.
Good luck. There is no good answer.
IF the LO lives with you, this is a good way to deal with it. My grandmother, once she was living with us and my aunts (taking turns every so many months caring for her), she had no way to get out to get any - we were nowhere near any stores and no real taxi service (she had resorted to paying a taxi to pick some up for her when she was still on her own.) Once in a while, they might give her a glass of wine. Otherwise, nothing. She would drink the whole bottle if you gave it to her!
Why don't you call her Insurance Co and see if she can go to rehab and get dried out.
It is better to buy it and have her safe than to not buy it and have her falling - you never know if a car will hit her!
Yes, she's an alcoholic. At this point, she needs the alcohol to live.
I want to add that this was sometime ago and things may have changed since then as far as how Social Services views this situation.
being an alcoholic is partly due to habit, partly due to the chemical addiction. Watering down can reduce the chemical side, while maintaining the habit.
once the chemical addiction is reduced, you *might* be able to work on the habitual side. No guarantees.
Also, the doctors opinion about competency might be wrong, especially if he or she hasn’t spent much time with the patient. Many people w dementia have spells of better or worse functioning.
I would definitely call AA and go to some Alanon meetings yourself to be prepared for how to cope with what is clearly "the writing on the wall".
Social Services will have a record of you trying to do the correct thing in a tough situation, plus they can officially guide you. AA or Al Anon can help you in a personal, "been there, done that" type of help.
Preventing an alcoholic from getting their booze can cause terrible things. That's why in this pandemic liquor store are declared essential.
If your mother gave you HIPPA authority, speak with her physician and explain the entire scenario. I suspect you will be told to provide what she wants. Your mother has made it clear that she intends to continue her lifestyle, and that she is concerned how it appears to others confirms her mental clarity. Realistically, your mother is coping with likely having outlived her peers, physical decline and depression. I don't think that telling her to stop drinking at nearly 90 serves any purpose. I have seen firsthand what an older woman can go through in forced alcohol withdrawal, it is horrible, if not outright cruel. Why should she not be allowed to live out the limited remainder of her life as she chooses, with respect and without judgment? Have a meal with her to make sure she is consuming a nutritious, adequate diet, along with hydration lost from alcohol, like Gatorade in a flavor she likes. An accompanied walk on a pretty day is therapeutic, to a liquor store alone puts her in certain danger of falls or assault. Yes, she may be an alcoholic, may fall at home, but you don't want her dying from drinking rubbing alcohol. Nothing sets off a competent senior faster than being treated as incompetent.
Frankly, I'd be more concerned about her vision loss, house fire, etc.
I speak from experience as a former alcoholic: If i wanted or "needed" a drink, I would get it. Nothing could or would stop me.
If you don't want to buy it for her don't.
It' a catch 22 situation, If you buy alcohol for her you will feel terrible if you find her dead from an alcohol related death. If you don't buy it and she dies from going to the store to get the alcohol you will feel guilty because you did not buy it for her.
If you water it down she will just drink more and when she runs out will walk to the store anyway.
It's your decision.