Mom is 88 years old and a long time alcoholic. She is almost blind and uses a walker because she broke her hip twice and still lives alone in a regular apartment. She complains about how tired she is but still walks a mile (each way) to buy liquor even in winter when the roads and sidewalks are covered by snow. Sometimes she falls in the street.
She won't ask anyone to pick it up for her, because she knows that we think she is an alcoholic. I have refused to buy it for her before, but now I don't know if I should start.
She is risking her life by walking to the liquor store and has ended up in the hospital because she falls in the street. She won't use a car service or ask anyone to drive her. She will let us order regular groceries through a delivery service. But not liquor and cigarettes. Should I start buying it for her? Her doctor says she is competent and has the right to make her own decisions.
He has emphysema, high blood pressure and now beginning of Dementia.
Most of all of that is from Drinking and smoking:((
My hubby is 77. Im a lot younger. I was caregiver for my mother , she lived to be 100:)) no drinking, except a glass of wine with dinner or lunch and NO smoking:)
I limit my husbands drinking now, (dementia is sort of helping me) Anyway, he likes bourbon, I buy it and bring it home delute it almost 1/2 with water and I found a bourbon extract to make up for the color and taste:))))))) I give him a flask a day THATs it when its gone no more! I dont let him have it until 1pm.
He also like occasional oj and vodka, thats easy to dilute:)) as it is clear. Ive been doing this for quite a while now. Hes happy becuase he gets his bourbon and Im happy that he is not falling down drunk:((( Your mom is not going to quit at that age so maybe you do like I did and let her enjoy the rest of her life?! Maybe get her to write down her cigarettes when she has them and maybe she will cut that down as well. Good luck God Bless.
Result - a happy home!
I can see both sides of the issue, and each side raises valid points. Both sides point out the good and bad points of your 2 choices. And I feel very deeply for you, because there really is no good option.
I've said before: if your choices were always good v. bad, life would be simple. But, unfortunately, sometimes your choices are bad, worse and worst. And that sucks, because we are left dealing with the fallout.
So my advice is this: make the choice that you can most easily live with the inevitable consequences - because ANY choice we ever make has consequences. And you, my friend, do not need to justify your decision to anyone.
I suspect you've already, privately, made up your mind on what to do, and you're maybe looking for validation. And that's ok. You obviously love mom and want what's best, within the scope of what she's willing to do. Whichever decision you make will not make you a bad person, or a bad daughter. Be at peace with what you decide to do.
God luck.
I can't think how you could get her to stop drinking. It is harder than most people think and can take a long time. It is a fight they must fight everyday the rest of their lives. No one can make anyone stop drinking. Many people in very bad shape die every year drinking. Very sad. You mom doesn't have much life left at this point. I know this is a heart break for you. I have visted assisted living places and they did allow residents to drink alchol and to have it in their room. If you don't want to try marijuana for your mom, I would be on the side of you getting her what she wants. I have always been a teatotaler. People laugh at me because I never drink alchol. I am glad I never started because I would not have wanted to become addicted. I have seen so much of that in others. I do not judge. Nobody wants to become addicted but it happens. May you find peace in whatever decision you make.
Not every elderly parent has that problem .I can relate to it because I have a controlling daughter. I don't have a problem with booze but I have epilepsy and she wants to control me. I don't let her, we were on the outs because we didn't agree on who to vote for.Here is a poem by a man who was 100 in March. He wrote in 2007. My best friend is 102 and she sent it to me,
PITY THE NATION, WHOSE PEOPLE ARE SHEEP,
AND WHOSE SHEPHERDS MISLEAD THEM,
PITY THE NATION WHOSE LEADERS ARE LIARS,
WHOSE SAGES ARE SILENCED .
AND WHOSE BIGOTS HAUNT THE
AIRWAVES.
PITY THE NATION THAT RAISES
NOT ITS VOICE,
EXCEPT TO PRAISE CONQUERORS
AND ACCLAIM THE BULLY AS
A HERO
AND AIMS TO RULE THE WORLD
WITH FORCE AND BY TORTURE.
PITY THE NATION THAT KNOWS
NO OTHER LANGUAGE BUT ITS OWN
PITY THE NATION WHOSE BREATH IS MONEY
AND SLEEPS THE SLEEP OF THE
TOO WELL FED.
PITY THE NATION-OH PITY
THE PEOPLE WHO WHO ALLOW THEIR RIGHTS TO ERODE
AND THEIR FREEDOMS TO BE WASHED AWAY.
MY COUNTRY, TEARS OF THEE,
SWEET LAND OF LIBERTY. "
'
I loved your response to my post.
You have compassion. In short, you have a kind and caring heart.
I agree. She can’t be forced into anything. I feel that she should be allowed to die in peace with dignity. That’s all I wanted for my brother in the end.
Thanks for understanding my sentiments. I saw this most of my life with him. Sounds like you have a great deal of experience. You’re wise and sensible.
Some situations cannot be fixed.
Before you can really support your mother in healthy ways, you need to get support/help yourself.
Of course she's risking her life. This is what active alcoholics do. She is 88. Is this a surprise to you 'now' vs perhaps over decades? You ignoring obvious signs sounds like you are in denial and is a very huge red flag. Get help.
It is a situation of transitioning into sobriety and at her age that’s a tough challenge.
It’s also a matter of what she can endure. It becomes a life or death situation.
Compassion is necessary. That isn’t approval. It’s making sure that she survives a crises.
Not to mention the awful situation of her walking to get her booze. An addict will go to great lengths to do what they have to do.
My brother was homeless for awhile. An old veteran befriended him.
He allowed him to stay in an unused RV that he owned. My brother did exactly as this woman. He walked for miles to get his drugs.
He would not ask the old man to bring him because he didn’t want to put the old man at risk by accompanying him while he was carrying heroin. That’s a felony if caught.
The old man wasn’t stupid. He saw my brothers tracks on his arms and knew where he was walking.
He knew that my brother was sick with hepatitis C, but nothing will stop them from getting their next fix.
Still the old man had compassion and would follow slowly in his truck in case my brother fell in the street so he could call 911 for my brother.
I met this old man when our family went to say our goodbyes to my brother in the end of life hospice facility. Of course I thanked him for him compassion. He was a kind soul and the only friend that my brother had left.
Addicts are people. They are moms, dads, grandparents, aunts and uncles, brothers and sisters, neighbors and friends. They didn’t start out in life this way. They have many various stories.
I hate drugs or excess drinking because my family felt the devastating effects from living with my brother but I don’t hate the addict.
I hate what happens to them. I hated the pain and confusion that I experienced but I didn’t hate him and feel that he was the scum of the earth.
It’s a disease just like any other diseases that people struggle with.
Agree with me. Disagree with me. You’re entitled to your opinion. But this topic brings back vivid memories and I hope no one minds me sharing how I feel.
Sure, you can buy her the alcohol IF, IF you can live with the consequences of her drinking it. Kind of like buying drugs for your kid because he's addicted. When too much creates health, fall, or death issue - are you going to be able to forgive yourself. This is the exact reason I do not give money to panhandlers on the street. They are someone's husband, brother, sister, mother, etc and I refuse to help them kill themselves. I'll buy food and hand it to them, but no cash money. However, that's my opinion. It's up to you what you can live with.
It's a delicate balance dealing with addicts. You might welcome support from people who know what you are going through.
That being so, I think I'd ask her again if she would like to include drinks (alcoholic or otherwise) and cigarettes among the goods she has delivered. Try your best to do so in a neutral tone of voice. Do her usual suppliers offer the products she treks through the snow to buy?
It sounds as though somewhere along the line she has come to feel ashamed of these perfectly legal (even if undesirable for other reasons) purchases. That's the gremlin you need to root out because it doesn't help *anything*. It just confuses all of the issues and doesn't prevent any of the harms or the risks.
I don’t see her changing her behavior this late in the game. Why doesn’t she want it delivered to her? Why won’t she let you drive her?
It is awful that she is nearly blind and walking so far. She can’t stop drinking at this point. I’m sure that you know this. It’s amazing what addicts will do.
IF she only goes once/week or so, and drinks moderately, perhaps you could offer to drive her there. You say she won't ask for a ride, but if you know her routine, be there and perhaps say you were going to pick something up, she could join you. If she is going daily and drinks a lot, it will be a matter of time before something bad happens.
Honestly, if she's a heavy drinker, she's done well to make it to 88yo. One uncle (by marriage) passed too young, mainly because he drank too much. Another had multiple issues directly related to drinking, including softening his bones. He had some falls because of the booze and bones, and the last one really did him in, when he hit his head on the bathtub. If she's more of a moderate drinker, I wouldn't really want to "contribute" to her addiction, but I also wouldn't want to see her in a dangerous situation, so I would likely choose to (help) provide what she needs to keep her off the road, esp in winter! So, try to offer to take her there.
At this point in her life, it isn't likely she's going to stop or agree to rehab, so the choice comes down to help her get what she wants or let her struggle to get it herself, and perhaps have something horrible happen to her. If she were not competent, you could see to having her moved to a safe place and get treated, but that's not the case.
My grandmother was a wine drinker, but didn't know when to stop. When she could no longer drive, she hired a taxi to go get it for her. This is all I know about it, it was kind of hush hush, y'know? I only heard whispers now and then, but it would have been better if they had been honest with us (we were later HS/early college at that point!)
So, when my parents went to visit old neighbors for a long weekend and took my YB, she had Nana come stay with us... Like WE needed a baby-sitter? I went to the store to get something and was going to pick up some beer for myself, but was torn - do it now, or take her home (she wanted to go to store with me) and go for it later? Silly me decided to go now. She happily went in and bought a bottle of wine. I left her alone watching TV and went to my room for TV and a beer. When it was time to sleep, I could still hear the TV blaring away, so I went down to check on her. Not in the rocking chair. Empty bottle. Uh oh. I found her passed out on the floor near where she slept. I wasn't able to help her up, but disturbed her enough that she got up and crawled into bed, as is.
Next day we were to go to my aunt's house for a cookout. I came down to find her still in bed, with horrible stink (she had vomited.) I told her to get up and dressed, we had to go. She begged off, saying she didn't feel well, but I said we go. I came back in a bit and she was still in bed. I told her she HAD to get up and get dressed, we HAD to go or there would be questions. I opened the door, window and slider, to generate a NICE breeze! When I returned she was up and dressed, just needed help with the dress zipper. So, off we go to auntie's. We get all the way there (about 40-50m drive), into the house, out into the back yard, sit in a lawn chair and THEN puked all over herself!!! My aunt had some clothes for her (sisters took turns caring for her) so she changed her and put her to bed. She then asked me "Did she get out on you?" I was honest about it, but asked her not to tell my mother. Mom gets home, then quizzes me, "Did she get out on you?" So, only part of the story was relayed, but I was honest about it with her too. She didn't chastise me for taking Nana or letting her buy/drink the wine, she asked me what I was doing buying beer!!!
So, she was okay if someone would give her a glass of wine, but NOT okay if you give her a bottle. Again, had my parents been up front and honest about the situation, I would NOT have taken her anywhere near the liquor store!
He was an alcoholic all of his life. He actually got the doctor to write him a script saying he could have 2 beers at 5:00pm.
You know what the doctor did? Wrote him out a script for 2 beers at 5:00pm daily.
Where there is a will, there is a way.
Its harmful to allow a nearly blind 88 year old with mobility problems to walk 2 miles to buy alcohol. Do you allow her to continue to do it and wait until a car takes her out of this world? Or what if she falls in the snow and freezes to death before someone finds her sprawled out in the snow?
Or do you stop her from walking to buy her alcohol and then wait as she dies from alcohol withdrawals?
It’s ultimately your choice but......she’s an 88 year old alcoholic. What is the actual harm in giving her alcohol in moderation? The reason liquor stores have been deemed essential throughout the pandemic is because of alcoholics. It’s harmful to cut them off.
Your mother is addicted to booze and cigarettes, period. At 88, she's not going to rehab or counseling or AA, it is what it is. Cigarettes and booze are her friends; her companions, the only comforts left for her at this stage of life.
If you buy her booze and cigarettes, yes, you are 'enabling' her. But in reality, she's going to buy herself cigarettes and booze ANYWAY, and wind up in the hospital as a result of doing so. That will leave you feeling badly because your mother hurt herself on her quest to satisfy her addictions.
It's a no-win situation. You both lose. She's already lost because she's an addict who's proven she's willing to hurt herself, break bones, be hospitalized and even DIE in order to get her drugs of choice. Again, it is what it is.
So, if it were me, I'd buy my mother the booze and the cigarettes to avoid another trip to the hospital which, for me, would feel worse than knowing I'm 'enabling' her addiction which she's going to manage ANYWAY.
But.....and here's the but: I wouldn't buy a LOT of booze at one time b/c she might go on a big binge and drink it all up at once, killing herself in the process. Same with cigs, I wouldn't buy cartons at one time. Dole it out; one pack and one bottle, depending on what she drinks ie: 1 bottle of wine or 1 pint of hard liquor, etc. Set something up where you swing by once a week or whatever and drop things off. Or, set something up with the liquor store where they will make a delivery, same difference.
Talk to mom and tell her that you know what she's doing and it's ok, you just want her to stay safe and not walk a mile to get her supplies. Get on the same page. And then accept the fact that YOU are not 'killing' her, she made the decision to smoke and drink long, long ago.......all you're doing is helping her NOT fall in the street or break her hip again.
I don't think there is a 'right' or 'wrong' answer here, either, by the way. Whatever feels right to YOU is what you should do, without judgment of your mother in the process, if possible. We all make our life's choices and they're not always wise, God knows.
What is her frequency of trips? What does she buy?
If she goes once a week for a pint of bourbon that’s one thing.
If she goes daily for a fifth that’s another.
Ditto on the cigs. How many packs a day? Or does a pack last a week or two?
Does she have guests who have a drink with her? Do you ever have a drink with her?
Have you ever walked with her to keep her company? Do you know who she visits with at the liquor store?
Do you see empties piled up? Is her house a mess? Does she eat well?
Tell us more about your mom.
She has made her bed and now she will have to lie in it, even if it's in the street.
Situations are not always black and white or cut and dry. There are gray areas that must be addressed if healing is to take place.
Sometimes there is hidden pain that the person has not disclosed to anyone. Unfortunately, they mask it by drowning their sorrows. Not an excuse but a reason.
Solutions do not happen overnight. Some people never recover. No one is ever cured. It is an ongoing struggle for the rest of their lives.
AA and AL ANON are helpful. Don’t ever be ashamed of reaching out for help. It is a sign of strength, not weakness. Live the serenity prayer.
Do know that when Mom does enter care or hospitalization it is CRITICAL she be withdrawn safely with medications in rehab. And that they KNOW she is an alcoholic. I know someone with "locked in syndrome" Central Pontine Myelinolysis from going in with family not telling, having low sodium, and getting it replaced too quickly and too much for chronic alcoholic, resulting in lifelong debility. Never hide this important medical information; never try to withdraw alcohol suddenly.
You didn’t say if she goes to the liquor store daily or not? If she goes daily, she may drink all of what she buys that day. If she goes weekly, then she drinks a certain amount each day. So if you commit to buying her alcohol, and she drinks all that she has in one day, you would have to drop off liquor daily. And you would have to consider she may still go to the liquor store to buy more alcohol. Going to the liquor store may be her own way of controlling her intake and keeping a routine.
I have known doctors in nursing homes to prescribe a certain amount of alcohol for their patients - such as one beer a day, to keep them from leaving the facility in search of alcohol as well as for their emotional well being.
This is a very emotional topic for adult children of alcoholics. Even at her advanced age it still dredges up bad memories for you. Can you and your mother have an honest conversation with her doctor? Perhaps she will agree to sticking with a plan set out by her doctor to keep her safe.
Walking a couple miles is really good for her.
Maybe this is how she keeps herself from drinking soooo much.
Falls are going to happen no matter where she is, in the street at least someone sees her.
She has told you no and the doctor says she is completely competent.
When she goes to the liquor store she is known and gets some socialization.
I think that I would leave it alone and let her walk to the store until she can no longer do it. It is more than buying booze for her and she probably needs everything she gets out of the trips or she would give them up.
Buy her a nice coat, gloves, scarf and hat for her trips and make sure that she has emergency contact information on her.
I totally see where you are between a rock and a hard place here. She's going to drink, regardless of what you do. She has no reason to want to stop. You have to figure out which option is more palatable to you. Neither choice is right or wrong. Only what's right for you.
If you are very worried about her venturing out to the liquor store which is physically risky for her, then maybe go ahead and buy it for her so you will not have to deal with the guilt of her getting hurt or even dying from her next accident (which will happen, just a matter of time).
Or if you can not stand the idea of her drinking, then just let her keep making her bad decisions and being ruled by her addiction.
No good choice here. But you are not wrong to make either one.
Good luck.
the only one she is "fooling" by not having it delivered is herself.
The biggest problem I see is if she does fall during the winter and if she is not seen right away she may freeze to death. Even if she does not fall it does not take much for an elderly person to suffer frost bite. A mile, using a walker, 88 years old, that trip can take a while to get to the store and back. A lot can happen.
While I do not like the idea of feeding an addiction unless and until she wants to quit she won't.
I have a far from ideal mother for other reasons and I grew up with that. She avoided medicine for years due to her religion. She also avoided seeking any medical intervention for me throughout my childhood despite pleas from her mother which I discovered in letters. Now she gladly takes medicine which is keeping her alive but years of deferred maintenance has certainly affected her present condition.
You are doing your best. At 88 your mother is still making very poor choices but if that is how she is going to go out it is her choice. An addict can receive help from others but has to eventually accept that help and the reality of their behavior. They have to choose love of available family over the substances causing them great harm. Sadly to venture out in the conditions she is going to shows how strong the addiction is and the seeming importance the hold it has over her. I wish you strength.