Mom is 88 years old and a long time alcoholic. She is almost blind and uses a walker because she broke her hip twice and still lives alone in a regular apartment. She complains about how tired she is but still walks a mile (each way) to buy liquor even in winter when the roads and sidewalks are covered by snow. Sometimes she falls in the street.
She won't ask anyone to pick it up for her, because she knows that we think she is an alcoholic. I have refused to buy it for her before, but now I don't know if I should start.
She is risking her life by walking to the liquor store and has ended up in the hospital because she falls in the street. She won't use a car service or ask anyone to drive her. She will let us order regular groceries through a delivery service. But not liquor and cigarettes. Should I start buying it for her? Her doctor says she is competent and has the right to make her own decisions.
You know what they did? They closed the case without ever going over to her house. I told them everything about my mother and since she is competent she is free to make bad choices.
They also said that if they knocked on her door and she refused to open it, they would LEAVE. Nobody can walk inside someone’s home without a search warrant or the elders permission. You can’t just tell someone how to run there life if they are competent. If she wants to drink, let her drink. She’s elderly. What else does she have to look forward to?
Its a very hard pill to swallow. Watch an elderly LO who is competent and make bad choices and not being able to stop them. I tried and tried and tried everything and talked to doctors, elder lawyers, social workers, policemen, EMT’S. They all said the same thing. She’s competent to make her own choices. Her own decisions. Even if they are bad ones. As long as she’s not breaking the law, she is free to do what she likes in her own home.
You show respect to everyone as a fellow human being, regardless of your personal feelings on the destruction of addiction. It is a disease! It takes awhile to overcome and some like my brother never did. I am grateful that I can remember the good times before he destroyed his life. In spite of everything, he managed to have some success in life too. His life had value.
I see wisdom, compassion and love in your answers. It takes a special person to never want to strip away someone’s dignity. You are that person.
I try very hard to grow but fall short at times. We are all works in progress walking on our own path in life. Thanks for being an inspiration to me.
You accept what cannot be changed. You aren’t overly critical of others. You judge actions, not people. I see very few people that are able to truly live the ‘serenity prayer’ successfully like you seem to do.
I admire your qualities very much and always look forward to reading your posts.
I adore your sense of humor on many things. You’ve made me giggle often.
I truly appreciate a person that can make me laugh during challenging times.
Laughter is good for the soul. It’s not always easy to do. It doesn’t apply in all situations but when it does, it can really lighten our load for awhile. I find healing in laughter. In the past I have sunken in the depths of depression in my darkest hours when my brother was alive in his addiction. You have too with your mom’s gambling addiction.
I suppose we healed through being able to accept and forgive. God knows that no one has the power to change anyone else. We can only change our reaction, and hopefully grow past any bitterness that destroys us.
We both moved towards therapy to help us cope and walk away to save ourselves, yet still care as much as possible without going down with the ship. It’s a tough balancing act that at times I completely walked away from.
Thank God for all therapists that guide us in our time of need, huh?
I relate to your energy and spirit.
My 96 year and old competent mother lives by herself making all sorts of bad decisions. She’s a gambling addict and spent every last dime my father ever made and now is looking to see if she qualifies for Medicaid.
My mother is also a hoarder and has been since 1998. He house is a mess and won’t let anyone help her clean or throw anything out.
She takes call a bus once or twice a week to go to the grocery store and buy groceries and then play the scratch off machine for hours on end. Then she takes the motorized grocery cart in the parking lot and rides it next door to the liquor store to buy her booze.
Yup, been there, done that. Not a thing I can do to stop her or help her. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.
You can’t stop a competent person from making bad choices.
Has she ever been in rehab before? Is she interested?
First of all, alcoholism is a disease. This is not her choice to drink. She simply can’t stop.
It doesn’t sound like her doctor is willing to help you help her.
Please call AA and Alcoholics Anonymous and ask them about their program or simply to discuss your situation.
Call a rehab facility or your local hospital and ask to speak to a social worker. They deal with alcoholism as a disease. You will be treated with respect. They will give you sound advice without judgment.
For the record, I grew up with an addict. So, I know how painful it is. I know the shame also.
People back then weren’t very kind to family members. Some still aren’t. It’s hard.
I wasn’t anything like my brother. Still, I was considered guilty by association. It nearly killed me as a kid. I became withdrawn.
I was always terrified of losing my big brother. It becomes a love/hate relationship.
People do not realize the agony that family members go through. I learned a lot later on in my life when I sought therapy to help cope with many aspects of life that I was going through. So many things go hand in hand. Issues become intertwined.
I wish you the very best in this extremely difficult and challenging situation.
I supported my brother as best I could but there is a limit. We cannot help anyone that isn’t willing to receive help. I reached a point that for my own sanity I had to walk away.
Was the estrangement forever? No, I was the last person at his bedside when he died. Did I forgive him? Yes, completely. Am I telling you what to do? No, you have to do what is right for you.
Was I angry? Yes, I went through lots of angry days. I chose to forgive so I could move forward and allow him to die in peace. At the end, most of all I felt sadness. Pure sadness. No more pain, no more anger, just sad. Then by the grace of God, I was able to let go and find peace.
The hospice social worker, nurses and chaplain helped me and my brother enormously. I am forever grateful to them.
Take care. 💗
In the situation of the mom here, I would not buy the alcohol, but would try to find professional help in getting her to stop drinking. So sad.
PS my relative was taking taxis to go out unsupervised (needs supervision) fell & decided delivery was ok afterall.
Regarding delivery: Tell her they probably know her face very well in store 😉 but have 50+ delivery guys - there is no way those guys would know her.
Steel yourself for the next fall: elderly, impaired eyesight & alcohol - a trifecta with the odds on a fall soon - probably before I finish typing... I do feel for you both.
If the next fall is survivable, the pathway of hospital, rehab, unsafe discharge home may arrive. You my not be able to stop her walking, but you can plan how much you are willing to 'aide & abet' her current lifestyle.