My 90-year-old father refuses to take care of himself. Watching him destroy himself is unbearable. What can I do?

My dad has a history of doing nothing about his health until it’s too late/he’s in crisis. Then my mom and I end up taking care of him. This has gone on for years.

For years and years he refused to go to the dentist. Well about 7-8 years ago, his plate broke so he had no choice but to get help with his teeth. But by then his mouth was in such a state that the dentist had to remove 8 teeth at once so he could make a new plate. And since then Dad has never been the same. He was unable to eat properly because of mouth pain, the new plate not fitting, and so many other issues. So he lost a TON of weight.

That was the beginning of extremely rapid physical decline for him. He never recovered from that experience. He is now skin and bones — 128 pounds; he weighs less than me, his youngest daughter!!! He’s extremely weak, frail, and tired all the time now.

Another contributing factor to his decline was a hormone treatment for prostate cancer. Side effects of this treatment are loss of appetite, loss of bone and muscle mass, and cognitive decline (among other things). Dad has all of these side effects. He’s no longer taking the cancer treatment, but the damage is done.

He has also developed several bulging discs in his lower back. So he’s in pain all the time and the pain drains his energy.

Mom and Dad moved to an assisted living facility at the end of 2024. And since being there, he seems to have withdrawn even further. He’s in pain all the time and barely eats because he struggles to chew his food (and could be suffering from loss of appetite due to the cancer treatment). He is so tiny now. He doesn’t engage with people anymore like he used to. He has always been very charismatic. But lately all he wants to do is sit in his chair in their little apartment and sleep between meals. He has no desire to do anything. Mom and I think he’s suffering from depression. They gave up their house and now all they have is this little apartment. He is not coping well.

The thing I really wanted to share is about his stubbornness. Meals are served on a schedule at the facility. Breakfast is at 8am. So my father pushes himself (and my mom) to get up at 6:30am every morning to go to breakfast. That might not be a big deal for some people. But my parents are night owls. So this is a huge huge adjustment for them. They’re going to bed earlier now. But even so, they are tired all the time. And it’s clear that my dad is wearing himself out. I was with them on Mother’s Day and after we had lunch, he sat on the couch and fell asleep. He looked so haggard and pitiful… He’s absolutely exhausted. He didn’t even want to watch Mom open her Mother’s Day gifts.

I’ve tried to tell him that he doesn’t have to get up so early for breakfast, that he’s not getting enough sleep, and he’s wearing himself out, that they could arrange to have their breakfast brought to them so they can sleep later. But he will not listen. He’s adamant about going and he doesn’t seem to understand that he’s hurting himself.

This is exhausting for me because over the years Mom and I have had to fight with him to take better care of himself. He just refuses to listen.
The other thing that I fear will be a fight is getting him to go to the doctor and get injections for his back pain. The doctor diagnosed him with bulging discs probably about 9 months ago and prescribed a series of injections to ease the pain. Dad has not gone back to get the injections. If he would get the injections, maybe that would reduce his pain and improve his quality of life.

It’s so difficult for me to go over there and visit my parents in the facility. Watching both of them decline has been excruciating. But especially watching my dad has been unbearable because I really believe he could improve if he would just do what the doctors etc recommend.

I know it’s his decision. But is there any recourse for us here? This is incredibly difficult.