Hi everyone, I haven't posted in a while and hope everyone is doing ok. My parents finally moved near us, in fact, in our condo complex and are renting. I packed and unpacked every single box for them and was away from my husband during his chemo and radiation treatments for 2 months so they could move from Florida to Virginia. My husband was with me during my breast cancer journey and I feel awful that I couldn't be there for him. We actually felt their needs were more important, but we have sacrificed our lives for my parents since we were married and before (that's another story in itself!)
Now here's the problem - she is getting upset when I tell her I need to go downstairs to care for my ailing husband and to straighten up my home. She has my Dad who can care for her. I'm starting to resent them being here. I told her I would like to use my own bathroom and I want to put some things away and stay home a little bit. She made a face and asked me why and I said I'll be back later and she said you don't have to - stay down there (angrily). I'm starting to get my nervous stomach back and to be honest I yelled at her the other day. As many posters know, my mom has always been "needy". I will fill you in with details later on, but for now I need help! I am neglecting my husband, my dog and my own needs! Thank you my wonderful friends!
I have seen your posts all over the Internet. Either go to therapy or accept your dysfunctional family situation.
Mom can’t force you to stay with her .
Back off , let them fend for themselves . They should either hire help or go to assisted living .
“ Stop helping them “ , was the most wise thing ever said to me from a social worker.”
Again , Back off , your parents will have to accept help in other ways , either by them paying for a helper to come to the house or they go to assisted living .
If you need to run it by his oncologist to have a medical opinion on it, please do so. I’m sure the doctor would agree.
Offer to sign your parents up for DoorDash, Uber and Amazon. Offer to vet weekly housekeepers who can tidy up. Leave your dad with a list of agencies and their prices. It is dad’s right to refuse as he is competent.
Your husband needs you with him more than your parents do at this time.
You are all right - I made a HUGE mistake!
Why would the hospital release your father with something that he cannot take care of himself? Don't they have nurses they send for something like this?
Sounds like your parents goal is to run your husband into the ground with their demands and needs and then once they finish him off they will have you all to themselves.
And this after your dad and mom bad mouthed your DH by saying he was nothing like them, etc. And apparently they are still saying bad things about him and you behind your backs.
Are your parents indigent? Do they have any money of their own? I read below that your DH cosigned on the lease for this condo for them which was insane. Why did DH have to cosign on the lease for them? Lack of income on their part or bad credit or both? How long is the lease for? Once it is up you and DH need to be on the same page about getting your parents into an AL or a skilled nursing facility if that is what they need.
You BACK OFF , STOP HELPING .
Call APS .
Your mother isn’t going to change . She’s an uncooperative , needy person who expects to be waited on .
Remission at this point is not guaranteed. And he has a benign brain tumor. Now there may be prostate cancer.
There is a nonzero possibility that you may be bidding him goodbye. You may yourself need an aide for some of this, but until you do, spend maximum moments with him watching birds on the deck, or taking in a home movie, etc. with the goal of getting him well enough so that you two do go out to that dinner or onto a cruise. Their death at 96 and 93 is somewhat inevitable whereas a death at 65 is that much more tragic. Especially for you.
I feel adults reach an age, become elders, cycle backwards & hit that stage again.
They want you. Only you. Their real needs, their perceived needs, their anxiety, their wishes will EAT UP YOUR life.
Until you make changes.
Could you make mom a weekly calendar of when you plan to drop in?
For instance: Mon. and Thurs., sometime between 11 and 2
Sun., 6pm every other week for dinner
The less detailed, the better. Then stick to it.
Do it on a white board so it can be easily changed and take a picture of it with your phone so you can remember what you committed to since you won’t be in there very often to see it!
Keep it in mind for when your Mom the Terror passes. It may give you comfort. OMG, I can't believe what you've been through with these two. Good luck going forward.
PS - Don't ASK if you can sign them up for food delivery from Walmart and Amazon. Just do it using their credit card. The food arrives at their door and they freak out. And you say nothing because you did your duty and sent the dang food. You don't even answer the phone. They can pull the limbs off that cute lil Walmart rotisserie chicken just fine by themselves.
Question,
How much time do you spend with your girlfriends?
Having coffee, going for lunch, shopping.
How much time you and husband spend with other couples?
That is the same passive/aggressive response I used to get from my aunt. Fine. I stayed where I belonged. In my own home.
Years ago I was raised that what that meant was that I had to prop them up . I was raised to be my parents caregiver .
Now I believe that the elderly person has to accept that whether they live at home or in a facility that their life is changing due to age .
Don’t be afraid to say “ No” . We aren’t required to keep up their lifestyle the way they want it . I was told by my mom that I had to keep her “ routine “ the same. My FIL told us that we had to keep up his “ independent lifestyle “. Nope , nope , nope , we refused to take him on cruises that he wanted . That would not have been a vacation for us . He also demanded we take him to a fancy restaurant every weekend and requested my adult children come as well .
If You help them , they accept the help you are willing or able to do . If they don’t like it , that’s too bad , they either hire someone or they go live in assisted living . The parent receiving help does not call the shots because they are not independent , they are dependent .
Your parents are pretty old and I fear you are too conditioned and emeshed to make the changes needed to be fully autonomous from your parents.
But any small steps you make are better than doing nothing at this point.
I wonder how you got them to agree to move to VA because last year when you posted you said they loved FL and would never move. Did they decide to move closer to you because you started visiting less?
At present the older two are in a separate nearby condo, within the same building. The older housemates are already too anxious to be alone. They will soon move into the same condo. Then when walking becomes difficult, into the living room into electric beds.
I don't see any other pathway here.
So at least I hope it will be a loving & fun household. Like the Golden Girls sitcom.
instead of running upstairs all the time to “ check on them “ what if you put a camera in their condo ?
But don’t stare at it constantly .
What is the longest you went without seeing your parents? I suspect this dynamic of you visiting them for months at a time (when they were in FL) or them visiting you for months at a time has been going on for a very long time - if not for your entire life.
That is why you are unable to separate yourself from them - you are like conjoined twins. Neither you or your parents (mom more so than dad) can function or be apart for very long since it is all you know.
And now as they are getting older and more needy this dynamic is just rapidly escalating (especially for your mother) as she wants you there 24/7. You can bet your dad has to hear it from mom ALL the time when you don't do what she wants.
She is not in control of your life. YOU ARE.
Forgive me is I speak plainly and what I'm saying is for your own good.
Your husband is a very sick man. Shame on you for letting mommy's narcissism and guilt-tripping come before him. That stops today.
Too damn bad if your mother wants you with her instead. Boo-hoo. Let her pout and cry about it. Let her behave like a senior-brat or an elder-tyrant because she doesn't get her own way. Let her man sort her out. It's his job to, not yours.
Think about this. You moved your parents NEAR you. Not in WITH you. Is this because you're smart and knew how your mother would be and wanted to be able to close your own door?
Close it then. It's okay. Set some boundaries and if your mother is unwilling to live by them, start ignoring her. Don't go to her place and don't take her calls for a while.
Your husband and your life come before your mother's neediness.
Just cause they are family doesn’t mean you have to . I really hate that people think you have to put up with bad behavior because someone is family .
Stands to reason why I don’t see my narc sibs who learned from my narcissist mother .
Romeo .
Your mother is manipulative , passive aggressive, not just dramatic.
My dh’s favorite cousin passed away from tongue and throat cancer on Christmas Eve 2018. She had undergone surgery, chemo and rads. She was 45 and had been in remission for some months before it came roaring back. Her husband was present for that whole journey as versus offering his mom manicures and popsicles and dinners without the sick person and dog walking trips.
Your parents had 30 years after the age of 64 to enjoy their retirement with themselves. It is a nonzero possibility that you may not have three, and if it is, will you be happy that you spent that time on moms manicure and her insistence that you cook her fresh Italian dinners?
The fact of the matter is, you don't want "help". You like this "close knit" family situation just fine, as you said, there's nothing wrong with it. What is it you seek? Validation for being a good daughter? I grew up in the exact type of household you describe. Dysfunctional. Expected to be the entertainment committee for my personality disordered mother and to be her BFF too, in spite of the fact she was an insufferable human being. Of COURSE they're "controlling".....how else are they going to manipulate a daughter into taking care of them for 60 years, visiting with them all day long, cooking for them, traveling with them, taking them to get their nails done, bringing them popsicles, etc? Very, very few daughters actually want to do that or consider it a normal thing, outside of Italy. I certainly DID NOT want to lead my life that way!!
As a young child, my only goal was to escape the suffocation I suffered, not to endure it until they died. So I did, until I had my son. Then my parents followed me all over the country to "help me" with the baby. I finally moved back East to get out of that nightmare, and had my own life again for 17 years.
You, on the other hand, enjoy the company of your parents. Otherwise you would have allowed them to move into AL as planned. As I did with my folks.....
There is no crime in what you are doing. The silliness is in trying to make us think you hate it and want it to change. At 64 years old when your parents are approaching the end of their lives. If anything, you will be doing MORE for them NOW than ever before and likely cohabitating at some point.
So stop asking for advice and just live your life as YOU SEE FIT. You've gotten years worth of great advice here on A.C. you've totally ignored. Nothing is changing now and we all know it, you included.
Good luck, I'm out.
"There is no crime in what you are doing. The silliness is in trying to make us think you hate it and want it to change."
You also ask: "What is the purpose of this thread".
BINGO.
This thread, like most social media. is just chit chat. It will go on longer than "Is it Wrong to Hope Someone Dies" (now over 900 responses). This is a family in which all participants are fully engaged, and the last thing any of them want is "help". That would mean "change". And no one here wants change. They are perfectly happy with status quo.
Thanks, Lea, for saying here what I have longed to say every time I trip over this one at the top of the threads, and saying it so much better than I ever could.
Were your parents planning/willing to live in AL ?
If so , that’s where they should be .
If you stopped them from moving to AL , you are totally enmeshed and are addicted to this drama.
Dawn - I really should have kept my mouth shut! They were going into an assisted living facility right down the street and my heart felt bad that they would be living in a very small apartment and thought they weren't ready for it. My Dad called EMS the other day and was hospitalized for a kidney stone. The AL would have taken care of everything, and taken care of my mom and her dog and now we are. How stupid am I! They are ready for it because my Dad crossed into three lanes of traffic in Florida with cars bearing down on us and I was SCREAMING and had to tell him to go ahead and he yelled at me saying - they were going to stop for me. I was really stupid! My husband also co-signed for their lease and now we're stuck - all because we don't want them to be upset.
You can choose to play your mother's game and accept the guilt or ... not. Once you choose to not accept the guilt then you will start feeling better about the situation.