She has maximum doses of anxiety medication, has carers frequently plus my brother and I stay with her or visit 3 times a day. She has a little memory loss but nothing else, has no doagnosed physical illness ( regularly checked by dr and sees a geriatrician. She can be her normal cheerful self and reverse quickly to whimpering and talking in a faint baby voice very quicly. Scan ofyen complain of stomach ache which after extensive investigations has been diagnosed as psychsomatic. She seems to have lost the ability to regulate her mood. Anyone recognise this?
A Gov Agency helpline actually does this really well with their 'hold' music.
First song is a fast tempo energentic (even angry) beat, next songs are slightly less fast, some more interesting melodies, then a catchy sing-along chorus, then something upbeat & quite uplifting, then a classical piece, then you find yourself (at about the 40min mark) lulled into a sensible & even mood.
Then an actual person answers the call! Hmmm...what DID I call for???? 🙄
This could be done at home maybe?
Matching an upset mood to music, then over 15 mins, match to progressively calmer music.
What's that saying: What cannot be cured, must be endured.
So many things have no cure. The older I get the more I wonder about the use of many meds.. I was talking to a nurse just yesterday about this. She has a strong 'natural medicine' lean but pointed out 'alternative medicines' (herbal treatments, music or sound therapy, crystals etc) have not yet been able to perform orthopeadic surgery on broken bones.. Or provide the anaesthesia.. OK.
I guess with loved ones of advanced age, we can only took at what is REALLY important for them. Comfort.
So what DO (or did) you want from the site?
Take a break from the forum if you feel like the responses are becoming annoying or uncomfortable for you.
Most of us realize that nothing gets resolved overnight. It takes time to figure things out.
For some people, it is helpful to hear different perspectives. For others, it’s overwhelming.
Consider working privately with a professional licensed therapist. There won’t be any judgement and you’ll be able to move forward at your own pace.
Try keeping a journal of your thoughts. You will soon see what your biggest concerns are and be able to address them one step at the time.
You don’t have to jump through hoops, stand on your head or do backflips. Take baby steps if that’s all that you can handle at this time.
During my caregiving days, there were days where I was completely overwhelmed.
As helpful as this forum was for me, there were times when I needed my own space, to think about what was best for me.
Don’t feel like you have to be defensive with others.
Most people don’t expect you to be a carbon copy of anyone else. I am as live and let live as you can get as long as no harm is done to others.
I wish you well.
I love Need's advice on Journal-writing. Has often helped me in life, and I even collage mine. It is kind of a "zen" that frees the mind.
I would recommend to anyone anything that DOES free the mind whether painting, fly-tying, jewelry making, sketching, knitting, quilting. These things are so good for releasing our minds into a free space.
The suggestion about having Moms med list reviewed is a good one and her pain killers. Review that list with her Pharmacist. Drs are clueless when it comes to Medication interaction. Not so with parmacists. You know why some meds become addictive, because its been shown they cause the pain in a way so the person takes more. Mom may need to be just taken off of everything and introduce the Meds back. Like I said, meds do not leave an elders body as fast as someone younger. I would also ask for labs to determine if Mom has too many meds in her system.
I found everytime Mom was in the hospital, she was placed on a med she did not need after a short time or at all. One was a heart med for a fast hearbeat. Once she started on thyroid meds this was no longer needed and her PCP never dropped it until I questioned why was she still taking it. Her B/P meds were increased because of pain she was having but not lowered when the source of the pain was gone. She could not get off the couch. A call to her PCP and they were lowered to normal.
Even if a pain is psychsomatic, the person feels pain. Give her a sugar pill or whatever they call them now. My DH has aches and pains at 77. I can't imagine how he will be at 91.
The facility could have Mom checked on more regularly by the doctor as well , to adjust her meds , and try to get her comfortable.
Also at 99 , it must be difficult getting Mom to and fro the doctor .
At ninety-nine, the body is tired and ready to give up. I had one client that was just tired of living and wanted to go. She was in good health for someone in her age range, but the mind was shot and didn't want to cooperate at times. Some days she was lucid, and other days would come at me like a raving and abusive maniac. No aide would stay on this case. Most were afraid of her and she would literally chase them out of the house due to explosive temper. She had a walker and would sometimes forget to use it. I accompanied her to the doctor and he wrote her a prescription for tylenol with codeine. Some days I wouldn't be able to get into her home because she had taken a dose of tylenol to get some sleep. She claimed she was paying bills, but she would have old bills from years ago mixed in with the bills she needed to pay. She would write the check with the bill and forget to mail it. I would have to call her nephew to come let me in because I thought something had happened to her. One day I couldn't get in and waited close to forty-five minutes before someone from the office could reach her. She fell when she opened the door. Even though she was hanging on by a thread trying to preserve the last little bit of independence she had at ninety-four, it wasn't working out in her best interest at all. I was afraid for her even when I was at home from a shift. It became too much, and I let this client go.
Unfortunately, it comes a time when we will need to let our loved ones go. Realize the fact that all is being done for them at the age cycle they are in and there is nothing further that can be done. We cannot fix old.
First of all, let me tell you as a nurse, that when a DOCTOR diagnoses someone as having psychosomatic illness, it means they don't know what's wrong. Pure and simple. I recommend reading about Hilary Mantel (the Author) illness misdiagnosed in the UK over her lifetime, which finally so debilitated her she died quite early.
I WAS short with you in my answer, in fact.
You were correct in recognizing that correctly. I remember you.
I have read and responded to your other posts.
You are living with a 99 year old, and while you describe her as actually "wailing in pain" in one post you turn around and say there's nothing wrong with her other than a bit of short term memory. and you diagnose her with "psychosomatic" illness.
Sorry, if she is up to the GILLS as you put it, in pain medications, there is something very wrong here indeed.
I am 81. Trust me, while I attempt to be tolerant of my pain, because I think that medications only ADD to it with rebound problems, withdrawal problems and etc., there IS pain in aging. It is, in fact a CONSTANT and it can be very depressing.
I think that while you are dismissive of our answers you are also dismissive of your parent.
My honest opinion here is that you should no longer be taking care of your mother. You seem to believe that she is "like everyone else" in capability and understanding and tell us "there's nothing wrong with her" other than a bit of short term memory loss. Yeah. That and the wailing with pain and IN YOUR OWN WORDS being "medicated to the gills" with anti anxiety meds..................which may, in all honestly be part of the problem. These drugs can interact. They can have side effects, and at 99 I am not understanding how she can even stand up on them.
Do yourself and likely your mom a favor and give deep consideration to placing her in care. I don't know your age, but if she is 99, you are advancing on a age where this is simply too much.
WE are not your enemy. Fate is. This is what aging in our country is becoming. It isn't pretty and it has no good answer.
If you think that I was tough on you, all I can say is that Burnt isn't up to answer yet. Just wait. And I mean that to tickle you if you've been around the Forum a lot.
I think that you are choosing now to be angry at someone or something, because grief and exhaustion and heartbreak and the sheer lack of answers to all of this is hard to just stare right in the eyes. And that's fine. Be as angry as you like at me. I can take it~ I mean to give you what I see as the honest truth. Kick it to the curb. You have got plenty of sympathy (deserved) from others.
Speak to your doctor about your mom if a Forum of strangers from around the world isn't doing it right. Your doctor knows his patient and may advise cutting DOWN on some of those medications.
If you didn't like my short answer that at 99 there's bound to be some ups and downs, I bet this one won't make you any happier. Sorry about that. This is the way I see it from your brief descriptions. I say over and over again that we live too long (I include myself) and that we are KILLING OUR KIDS (it's my belief). I tell kids to move 1,000 miles away. So that's my truth.
Sometimes, meds have to be adjusted. Not just meds, that are used for stabilizing moods, but all other medications as well.
A good friend of mine has a heart condition. She has had it since she was a child. She is a matter of fact type of person, not high strung at all.
She went to her doctor and explained how she felt. The doctor handed her a form to check off her symptoms.
She looked at the form and said, “I only have one or two of these symptoms. This is not anxiety that I am experiencing.
If I were a man, you would be treating me differently. Just because I am a woman, you assume that this is an emotional issue.
I have a heart condition. If a man was sitting in front of you, you would be running tests. I’m going to see another doctor.”
My friend did switch doctors. Her heart medication needed adjusting.
As soon as my friend started taking the correct dosage, everything was fine. She no longer experienced concerning symptoms.
My mother is 99, no dementia, just anxiety and general unhappiness, which I believe goes with the territory when one is that age and knows that death is knocking on their door.
Time for some acceptance on your part, she is old, it is what it is.
As you pointed out, she's already medicated and very elderly. I'm afraid there is nothing you can do to stabilize her moods. You could consult her doctors and maybe a med adjustment is in order? At her age she can barely regulate anything, including moods. This is not going to improve, unfortunately.
It IS an answer to suggest she is moody because she is 99. Her mind, while cognizant, simply does not work like it used to. I guess just try and 'talk her down' when she gets upset.
I am sorry that you aren’t pleased with the majority of answers given. We are sincerely trying to help. I apologize if my response was upsetting for you.
Maybe, you aren’t ready at this time to hear the truth. Perhaps, you just need someone to comfort you. That’s okay.
We process things in stages. No one figures everything out all at once. It can take time. Just know, that all of us are or have been caregivers. We understand how difficult this is for you.
Also, please know that you are doing all that you can. None of us have a magic wand to correct what is wrong.
Don’t doubt yourself. Don’t underestimate yourself. You are enough. If you can’t deal with your situation emotionally or physically, please reach out for support.
See a therapist if necessary and by all means, take necessary breaks.
I saw a therapist who was very compassionate, but also didn’t pull any punches. He helped me realize that I had more on my plate than I could handle.
Sometimes, we like to think that we are supposed to be super women who have super powers. Guess what? We don’t have any super powers. We are mere mortals.
The last thing you need is to burn out because then you aren’t going to be of any good use to yourself or others.
Take care. Wishing you peace as you continue on in your caregiving journey.
If your question was about how you are coping yourself, the answers might be different. M “has carers frequently plus my brother and I stay with her or visit 3 times a day”. Your world is revolving around your mother, and of course you notice any mood change. It might be better to think more about having a life of your own, rather than trying to analyse hers. Is this level of care what your mother was doing, when she was your age?
I'll try to find some links.
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-emotional-lability-5200864
https://www.healthline.com/health/emotional-lability
I found this advice:
"When there is severe Emotional Lability, one-to-one, brief, and fun activities in a quiet environment will be better.
Plan for rests between activities."
"Emotional lability refers to rapid, often exaggerated changes in mood, where strong emotions or feelings (uncontrollable laughing or crying, or heightened irritability or temper) occur."
I have read it is caused by brain changes - conditions like stroke, TIA, dementia, ABI can cause it.
At 99, (again my very uneducated guess) would be brain changes caused by living to this great age + possible stroke/TIA.
My mother was 95 with dementia and had intense mood swings herself. She'd go from happy to miserable and crying in short order. I'd try to distract her or talk about something upbeat. Or leave her presence and go home. Me trying to micromanage her wasn't going to change the fact that she had mood swings, they went with advanced old age and dementia. That's what we're saying to you: let it go.
Alva and Midkid gave perfectly good responses to your post.
I don’t know what you expect to hear from posters, other than the fact that your mom is 99!
What can you possibly do to help?
No one knows how they will feel at 99. I don’t think that I even want to find out.
Personally, I would give a 99 year old permission to feel any which way they want. I wouldn’t expect her to be chipper most of the time.
Don’t allow her moods to upset you. Take necessary breaks.
Join friends who are your age for lunch or dinner. If you don’t have that much time, go out for tea or coffee. If you’re stressed out, you won’t be of much help to anyone.
Be at peace knowing that you are doing all that you can.
I think that pretty much answers any questions.
She's 99!
At this point, just let her be medicated to the gills if it helps her not feel anxious and whiny.