Every day one of these two have a new ailment.
Can't poop. Explosive diarrhea. Afraid to go anywhere because of toileting.
They say they are in too much pain to (choose one or more): eat. walk. sleep. do anything but lie in bed.
Tongue burns. Erratic heart rate. Can't catch their breath. Lump in breast.
Can't eat anything but have gained thirty pounds. Can eat things 1,2 and 3 (ice cream and popsicles) but not things 4,5 and 6 (sweet potatoes, steamed broccoli, corn on the cob).
Tired all the time. Sleep too much. Can't sleep at all.
Stomach hurts every time they eat.
I love them and do my best to change the subject when complaints are raised.
They recognize these behaviors in others but not in themselves.
Linear plans like:
go to urgent care. go to general practitioner. follow up. if not better, get referral to gastroenterologist. follow up. stop going to general practitioner over and over again when you are not getting any relief. get a second opinion. follow up.
My recent reactions have included:
You are able to exercise but you won't. call me when YOU have a plan for improving YOUR health in place but not before.
Don't contact me again about not feeling well until you have an appointment with someone who can help.
It is excruciatingly painful to try to listen and I deflect to the steps mentioned above when an ailment is mentioned.
How can I help someone see that they need to be their own best primary care giver?
Otherwise tell them to ask their Primary Doctor for a referral to a SPECIALIST.
I'm sorry you are talking to 2 brick walls. That would infuriate me. I've noticed several of my senior friends have lost their normal level of intelligence, and just rant about everything (and everyone) instead.
I've made a point to stop myself from wasting time on them, especially when they don't listen.
It's doubtful that they're capable of being their own best caregiver. Or if they are, maybe they shouldn't be. You have lots of good advice here, so you can either (a) pass it on to mom and friend or (b) don't. If you can't figure it out, you're in trouble too! Maybe you should just block their numbers and run off to Zanzibar.
Don't take on a responsibility that isn't yours to carry. You are right, they need to be their own care giver. If your response makes you the solver of their problem, they are going to keep sharing their problems with you.
I think when we get to this point it's okay to just let them talk. We can respond kindly without making it our problem. I have started treating this behavior as if my dad is a four year old, in the cart in front of me, in the cashier line at Walmart, telling me about his "booboo". Not my job to fix it but I can speak kindly to him. This allows me to show empathy without adding the stress of responsibility to my day. My response now is, "I'm so sorry you aren't feeling well." and leave it at that.
(Of course, if it is a new complaint...one that hasn't been explored by the PCP, ER, or Urgent Care, then I will listen and act because it is my responsibility as one of his caretakers. But the same complaints over and over again that have been examined, diagnosed, and treated with directions for care, well....those I step out of and don't make them my problem any more.)
You can actually do something that will be real help to them both that does not require listening to them complain. Get them in touch with your state's social services. There are people who can help them. This should be what you offer them. Listening to them complain is not part of it.
Maybe you could give your friend your mother's phone number and they can complain to each other.
Answer: You can't make someone change when they don't want to change. The only thing you can control is your reaction.
Change is hard. Complaining and getting attention for it is easy and rewarding.
Don't reward bad behavior. Apparently your mother and friend are receiving some sort of reward from you when they text you they are dying.
Change your response to something less rewarding. Let them know you love them and want the best for them, but you will no longer be a dumping ground for their complaints when they're not willing to help themselves.
I can only imagine that if you stick to that narrative that that will shut them both up rather quickly.