I am my mother's sole caregiver since 2021 and I live with her. I have a sister but she only helps to take her to doctor's appointments. When she was being discharged from the hospital my sister said to me- "You're on your own now". Nice, right?
I have been seeing my boyfriend for 8 years. He always wanted to move to South Carolina but I didn't want to leave my mom alone because even though she didn't get diagnosed with all her health issues until 2021- COPD, Congestive Heart Failure, high blood pressure, erosive gastritis, low thyroid, etc., I knew she wasn't well. She never wanted to see a doctor. She was nearly dead until she finally agreed to go.
So back to the boyfriend, he got fed up and moved in July 2023. We are doing long distance but he is getting tired of waiting. He wants my mother and I to move. My mom refuses. I'm stuck in the middle. What do I do? I asked my sister if she could take care of her. Of course- she said no. She said she would put her right in a nursing home. If my mom gets to the point that I can no longer take care of her by myself then I would have to do that but not right now.
What would you do? If I don't move soon- I will lose my boyfriend. If I move- my mom will go in a nursing home and I will feel awful for the rest of my life. I have been feeling completely stressed and depressed for such a long time now. I just want to feel happy again.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you so much!
It seems to me that you see things in black and white, when life is much more complicated and messy.
Your boyfriend of 8 years (not partner) is seen either as caring, or as having abandoned you. Your sister is bad because she has chosen to not be a carer. And your Mum needs to be supported in having everything her own way.
None of this is completely true, it just seems to be true from your perspective.
I don't understand why where your bf wants to live is considered more important than where you want to live (parents and jobs aside). So, do you want to uproot to SC, or were you just placating your bf in your conversations about moving there?
Btw, it's okay to change your mind; just be clear and honest about it.
Nevertheless, he didn't abandon you - he asked you to move too, even to bring your mum along. That's not abandonment: that's giving you an option.
Ultimately, it's your choice. How much do you love him and how much do you want to be with him? How much of a support network do you have in your current location? Would you be worse off in SC?
If you need to live with your mum to take care of her, then she's not capable of living in her own home without help. Why should your life be taken over to take care of her? She didn't take care of herself, otherwise her illnesses wouldn't have only come to light once they were severe. What parent wants to limit their child's life, after they got to live their own one?
You can still be a good daughter by ensuring that your mum gets the help she needs from others and by being her advocate. Your mum will rail against going into either AL or a care home, but that isn't a reason for letting her take away your life in caring for her.
I don't know your financial situation, but I've read here that Medicaid helps those who do not have the means to pay for private care in the US. It's not perfect, but life isn't.
Your sister isn't a carer. That's it. There's no reason why she should be, nor why you should be either.
You feel that you have no choice, but you made choices that got you in this position in the first place. Now, you need to make choices about the rest of your life.
Whether you move to SC should be based on what you want for the rest of your life, not on the current needs of your mum. If your mum decided to stay in California and you want to go to SC and be with your bf, then that would be your mum making her choice. She's an adult, so she's allowed to make her own decisions - and deal with the consequences.
You seem to allow that other people can make choices - your mum, your boyfriend, your sister - but not you. Recognise that their choices should not override your choices, nor should they dictate them.
If you want a life of your own, my advice would be to tell your mum that you can no longer do day to day care - you need to live your own life.
What other choices you make after that should be based on what you want and need, not the wants and needs of everyone else in your life.
HONOR: (noun) - High respect or esteem; adherence to what is right or to a conventional standard of conduct
Now, I'm not going to pick apart honoring - I'm on board. (though I do think many people forget the rest of that conveniently - the part about fathers not provoking your children to wrath - but I digress)
What I want to address is exactly WHY people always dig in and are so highly offended when people - especially people who have BTDTGTS (that would be Been There, Done That, Got The T-Shirt in case you are wondering) so strongly encourage - without fail - that people pursue their own life.
Let's revisit: Your mother CHOSE to have you. You didn't choose to be born. A popular argument but valid. She chose to have you, so she OWED you a certain level of meeting your needs until such time as you were able to do so yourself. Some mothers do that hands on 24/7. Others do that by hiring help or finding a family member who can care for their child or by working opposite shifts from dad. But they aren't HANDS ON caregiving 24 hours a day.
It doesn't matter though - because whether a mom is hands on caregiving 24 hours a day or her children spend time in the care of others at some point - MOM is still coordinating care and ensuring that her child(ren) are well cared for and all of their needs are met.
Why do I say that? Because honoring your parents does not mean that you have to be their hands on caregiver. Honoring doesn't really have anything to do with taking care of someone. I honor my mother every day and don't lift a finger to take care of her because she doesn't need it. But since there are also verses that address taking care of the elderly and that the role should fall to children first - I will say that doesn't SAY you have to DO it yourself. Only that you should see that it is DONE.
That doesn't mean you have to martyr yourself and sacrifice YOUR entire life to do it. You can find trusted caregivers to do it and you can oversee that her needs are met.
Did your mom get the opportunity to live her life? Get married? Have children? (that's a touch of sarcasm). Why aren't you entitled to that as well? You deserve to have the same chance at life that she did before she needed care.
You can fulfill the things that are expected of you - AND have a life. You just have to understand that you don't have to do it all in person with your own hands.
As far as the BF- maybe with all of the rollercoaster ride that your relationship has been - maybe it is time to move on from each other. BUT NOT to care for your mother. TO care for yourself.
Mother is only ONE. Boyfriends are everywhere. Nowadays, ladies believe that having a boyfriend is a tremendous asset to their lives. That is incredibly ridiculous. Boyfriends and husbands are moving objects; they will come and go as they please. If you want one, get a new boyfriend who lives within a few miles away from you. Who will enhance your life by giving you the emotional support you need. I mean, get a man that will make you feel comfortable where you are, that will show you the possibilities of having your mom and him close to you. Your present boyfriend of 8 years (EIGHT YEARS) has major commitment issues. Dump him. You can get a new one in five minutes. Hopefully, you choose well first.
Now, if you have a narcissistic mom who lowers your self-esteem
and makes you feel scared or sad, move out of her house and get your own place close to hers so you can help her when necessary only. It doesn't matter how old your mom is, she must show love, protection and adoration for you. Don't have it any other way. You are a strong lady, you can do this.
Adminstration should really shut it down.
Probably just (s)trolling around the internet.
TThank you VERY much for your helpful advice. So many people on here have been trashing me, insulting me, and turning everything around that my head is spinning. I just wanted some helpful advice and you gave it.
TThe most difficult thing to understand is that he could have just picked up and left when he knows the difficulties I'm going through. I know I couldn't just leave him like he left me. We are in a ldr and he keeps asking me to move. I want to be with him because I love him but I don't know what to do and I have no support or help from anyone in my family. I feel completely alone except for my faith. Praying about it is the only thing that gives me peace.
SSometimes I just want to run away- just pick up and move and not look back. But I would regret leaving and abandoning my mom when she needs me the most.
YYou are right about the part my boyfriend seems scared of marriage. That's another part. If he proposed or we got married first- then I would feel more secure. But he's asking me to move 4 states away- where I have no family, relatives or friends- no job- no house.
I love him and I want to be with him and if he would move home - Everything would be ok. But this situation is just so ####ed up. I don't know what to do or where to turn.
TThank you for your advice. It truly helped me.