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I had to place my husband who has Alzheimer's in a family care home when he suffered a couple of bouts of pneumonia and became too weak to get out of bed. Now he is friendly and cheerful with his other visitors but barely speaks to me. I get reports from his visiting nurse and social worker of the cute/clever things he says to them. It is very hurtful, and I sometimes think of stopping my visits with him. I have to force myself to go even though we usually just sit and watch TV for a couple of hours. I was his caregiver for nine years, changed his diapers, washed his soiled linens, cooked and cleaned for him. When is enough enough?BTW, I'm 89 years old.

This post is from Oct 2025. This OP did not respond and has not posted again. Reporting to have it closed for replies.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Enough is enough NOW.
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Reply to Sandra2424
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My mom spent much of our hour of visiting time today watching a Youtube video of a woman in Asia building what appeared to be a hut. When another resident came by, mom insisted I find out what the woman wanted as mom might be able to help her. Their brains just are not working well anymore.
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Reply to JustAnon
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Its also possible he's just being rude and miserable because he CAN, and you'll chalk it off to his Broken Brain. Take JoAnn's advice and leave in 30 min if he won't talk to you. Tell him to let you know when he's in a better mood and you'll see if you have time to visit then. I did something similar with my mother who treated me like crap and the Memory Care staff like gold, and she'd clean up her act if she wanted me to stay. Amazing isn't it, that such Broken Brains CAN respond to ultimatums? Try it and see.

You matter too.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Hothouseflower Oct 27, 2025
sitting here with my father. Not one word. I’ve been tap dancing trying to get him to talk to me. I like the 30 minute rule. I’m outta here in 10 minutes. Thanks!
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Maybe he sees you as the bad guy. The one who placed him where he is. Realize, he does not see you as an 89 year old woman, he may see you as the younger wife who cared for him. He does not see your limitations.

Me, I would not sit there for 2hrs if he was not talking to me. If within a half hour he did not respond to me, I would kiss him on the cheek and say "I will come again when your in the mood to talk". Their days run into each other, they have no conception of time. You could be there every day but they will tell someone they have not seen u in weeks. Take some time off. If you have been going everyday, cut back. And when u visit, you don't need to stay more than an hour.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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As you yourself do say, you were his caregiver for a decade. I do often here warn family that when they take on the caregiver role they are no longer the wonderful wife or dear husband, but a caregiver, who does the "dirty work", who dictates the do's and don't. They are changed their roll. As you learned to think of your husband as a person you had to do everything for, he came to identify you as the person who does everything for him. Your roles changed, and changes in roles over a lifetime are inevitable.
You describe your husband as content without you. There is utterly no reason to go to watch TV with him. Cut down on visits both in frequency and in length of time you spend and assess the results.

Best to you. Concentrate of the happy memories of a lifetime, not on the caregiving, if you are able.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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It’s so hard not to take rudeness personally. Yet that’s where you are with husband. Totally agree with CWillie’s thought of hubby seeing you as familiar and others as new, no need to show off to you, but trying to impress and be friendly with the new people. A broken brain is sometimes more a wonder than a complex healthy one. Your husband needs visits, they show the staff that he’s a person who’s valued and loved. How often is up to you, along with how long to stay. When you leave, go do something positive you enjoy, can be simple, like an ice cream cone, but it’s important. I wish you much peace in such a sad time
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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It's his disease causing him to act this way, most likely. If you were the one with ALZ, would you want your spouse to hold you accountable for behavior that your disease is causing? He didn't choose to have ALZ and he can't control what it's doing to him.

That being said, you've done yeoman's work in caring for him all those years! Kudos to you. I'm not sure how often you visit so maybe you can cut back on that. If the family care home ever has activities, maybe go when there's something you can both do together.

Be kind to yourself and do lots of self-care! Treat yourself to things that bring you joy and peace.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Perhaps he feels like he has to use his company manners with visitors and staff but with you he is comfortable enough to just be himself. And it's also possible that you've heard all those clever stories before and would find them more irritating than amusing.
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lealonnie1 Oct 24, 2025
If the dude is cognizant enough to use company manners, he's cognizant enough to be civilized to his wife also.
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Have you asked him a) why he is treating you so differently from the other visitors, and b) whether he wants you to visit or not? If you don’t get a sensible answer, I’d suggest that you don’t go there for a couple of weeks (take a holiday if possible), then go back and see if it’s different.
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