Over the last 7 years (I did a lot of paying of his rent/utilities/food). When that became unaffordable, I brought him to live with me - he knew it was only meant to be temporary but that turned into 2 1/2 years while I searched for some income for him - which I discovered he was eligible for a veterans' pension and was able to get that processed. I found him an apartment and 'surprised' him with it - he seems extremely angry about it even after me telling him he knew this living situation of ours was temporary - I have to get back to living my life - he does not drive, I had to take groceries to him, etc. when he lived on his own. Since he came to my home, I spend most of my time (when not at my job) sitting with him watching t.v. and basically feeling I need to entertain him so I have not seen friends in quite some time. I don't know why I feel the way I do but have tried to make him comfortable in my home during all this time. I am losing my mind! He is being moved tomorrow and he lashed out at me terribly for over an hour about how he does not have any say over his own life - he is basically and always has been incredibly spoiled and when my mother passed and could no longer enable him, I stepped into this awful role - some of this is my fault, some hers, some his. His health is now not all that great but he will be able to live alone. Sorry for the long message but I am trying to provide as many details to give the back story - he has not held many jobs over his lifetime so his income is limited and I will still have to pitch in . I am feeling guilty, angry for doing so much and feeling like he is being ungrateful, hurt by things he said to me, and how angry he was. It is making me so nervous but tomorrow he is being dropped off and by that I don't mean dumped as he put it. He told me that the only person that is benefitting from him moving is me and that is selfish. There was not much reasoning with him as I believe he may have some cognitive decline. Please let me know if any of you have dealt with a situation like this. He would have been homeless if I had not housed him and would never try to find his own income - he is spoiled and acting like and entitled child! Any ideas would be helpful.
#1. You are not responsible for your brother's condition, his woes, his failure to thrive
#2. You cannot fix it.
You are going to have to set yourself free of this. No one else can do it for you. I would start by getting your own mind and intentions clear in your own mind.
This will take a good, in person, COGNITIVE therapist. Your goal is your own freedom to live you own life on your own.
You will need to decide what assistance you can/wish to provide your brother in separating his life from being entangled in your own.
Referral to VA is a good idea and hooking him up with the local council on aging.
But make it clear to him that you no longer wish to live with him, and that he has a specific time limit in which to leave the premises.
It has been really a mistake to take this gentleman in; you have painted yourself into a corner. Now the paint is dry it is time to exit that corner and take control of your life. You cannot be responsible for the thriving (or not), the happiness/contentment (or not) of anyone other than yourself.
The past is over. If he wants you to take ownership of guilt, fine. Tell him you are guilty of everything, and will take ownership also of being guilty for telling him RIGHT NOW that he is no longer welcome living in your home.
Of course, you did not CAUSE the problems your brother suffers from.
And you cannot fix them.
So guilt is entirely inappropriate. What you need to let your own brain know is that here you are dealing with the word GRIEF. For him and for yourself. But HIS life isn't in your control. This is worth the mourning.
If you wish to spend your life as the doormat your brother wipes his feet upon while blaming you for every mistake HE ever made, then no one can stop you. You are an adult. This is entirely your choice.
SO appreciate the clarity- he is sure making me feel like an awful sibling!
He will figure it out when he is forced to, he's proven that.
You got this!
Oh well, Bro, you want control of your life, here is your chance!
I think that I would stop propping him up in anyway, there are resources for low income people, make him find them and get them for himself, that's what having a say in your own life looks like.
I want to encourage you to tell him that him staying in your home IS NOT something he gets a say in, so it has nothing to do with his complaint.
You have been a good sister but, you are right, it is time to live your life and stop paying the consequences for what he is.