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Over the last 7 years (I did a lot of paying of his rent/utilities/food). When that became unaffordable, I brought him to live with me - he knew it was only meant to be temporary but that turned into 2 1/2 years while I searched for some income for him - which I discovered he was eligible for a veterans' pension and was able to get that processed. I found him an apartment and 'surprised' him with it - he seems extremely angry about it even after me telling him he knew this living situation of ours was temporary - I have to get back to living my life - he does not drive, I had to take groceries to him, etc. when he lived on his own. Since he came to my home, I spend most of my time (when not at my job) sitting with him watching t.v. and basically feeling I need to entertain him so I have not seen friends in quite some time. I don't know why I feel the way I do but have tried to make him comfortable in my home during all this time. I am losing my mind! He is being moved tomorrow and he lashed out at me terribly for over an hour about how he does not have any say over his own life - he is basically and always has been incredibly spoiled and when my mother passed and could no longer enable him, I stepped into this awful role - some of this is my fault, some hers, some his. His health is now not all that great but he will be able to live alone. Sorry for the long message but I am trying to provide as many details to give the back story - he has not held many jobs over his lifetime so his income is limited and I will still have to pitch in . I am feeling guilty, angry for doing so much and feeling like he is being ungrateful, hurt by things he said to me, and how angry he was. It is making me so nervous but tomorrow he is being dropped off and by that I don't mean dumped as he put it. He told me that the only person that is benefitting from him moving is me and that is selfish. There was not much reasoning with him as I believe he may have some cognitive decline. Please let me know if any of you have dealt with a situation like this. He would have been homeless if I had not housed him and would never try to find his own income - he is spoiled and acting like and entitled child! Any ideas would be helpful.

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My grandpa would have lost his home twice already and died of a giant cancerous tumor were it not for me; when I caught him in the kitchen tonight rummaging for a bucket to pee in and told him “No!”, his response was to call me an effing a-hole and storm off angrily back to bed. I laughed. Do not feel guilty or responsible despite his viciousness. You are doing the right thing. Steel yourself against the emotional barbs thrown against you and find inner strength in it. Have a limit; explore legal options for his care, and make sure you above all else are the priority, or else this situation will consume you. Do not feel afraid to walk away. The members on this forum will give you a game plan as to what you must do when it comes to that. Stay strong.
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Good for you. You are entitled to your life. You have done what you can. I would call Office of Aging and ask for resources. They should have a bus he can take to appts and doctor visits. Maybe have them visit him to tell him what is out there. Maybe APS to check on him to make sure he is doing OK. This may put him on their radar. If his health and cognitivity get worse, APS can have the State become his guardian and they will take in his care. Let him be angry. If he could take care of Mom he can care for himself.
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I think that it is clear to you that your brother suffers mental deficits and that he is using and manipulating you. I believe you know that
#1. You are not responsible for your brother's condition, his woes, his failure to thrive
#2. You cannot fix it.

You are going to have to set yourself free of this. No one else can do it for you. I would start by getting your own mind and intentions clear in your own mind.
This will take a good, in person, COGNITIVE therapist. Your goal is your own freedom to live you own life on your own.
You will need to decide what assistance you can/wish to provide your brother in separating his life from being entangled in your own.
Referral to VA is a good idea and hooking him up with the local council on aging.
But make it clear to him that you no longer wish to live with him, and that he has a specific time limit in which to leave the premises.

It has been really a mistake to take this gentleman in; you have painted yourself into a corner. Now the paint is dry it is time to exit that corner and take control of your life. You cannot be responsible for the thriving (or not), the happiness/contentment (or not) of anyone other than yourself.

The past is over. If he wants you to take ownership of guilt, fine. Tell him you are guilty of everything, and will take ownership also of being guilty for telling him RIGHT NOW that he is no longer welcome living in your home.

Of course, you did not CAUSE the problems your brother suffers from.
And you cannot fix them.
So guilt is entirely inappropriate. What you need to let your own brain know is that here you are dealing with the word GRIEF. For him and for yourself. But HIS life isn't in your control. This is worth the mourning.

If you wish to spend your life as the doormat your brother wipes his feet upon while blaming you for every mistake HE ever made, then no one can stop you. You are an adult. This is entirely your choice.
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Thank you so much for such wise words! He is a bit pathetic but has made himself crippled in so many ways - would never even try to use a cell phone (that I purchased) saying it was too complicated, won't use a debit card, won't ride with me anywhere but then complains he never gets out of the house, etc. It has been horrible!
SO appreciate the clarity- he is sure making me feel like an awful sibling!
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Isthisrealyreal Jul 22, 2025
Of course he is, he wants you to replace your mom. It's not healthy and it's not your responsibility.

He will figure it out when he is forced to, he's proven that.

You got this!
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He is using FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) to try and manipulate you to be responsible for him.

Oh well, Bro, you want control of your life, here is your chance!

I think that I would stop propping him up in anyway, there are resources for low income people, make him find them and get them for himself, that's what having a say in your own life looks like.

I want to encourage you to tell him that him staying in your home IS NOT something he gets a say in, so it has nothing to do with his complaint.

You have been a good sister but, you are right, it is time to live your life and stop paying the consequences for what he is.
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