I live in a different state than my dad. My dad lives in California. He’s 81, military veteran, war veteran. His wife is someone he lived with for almost 20 years before marrying her about 6 years ago so she could have health insurance. To say she’s been unpleasant to be around is an understatement. The entire family has experienced it and most have distanced themselves because of her. She is unstable and at the very minimum she has something going on that falls in line with untreated mental illness. She struggles maintaining her emotions at all, she talks to herself loudly all the time. If she’s in the same room as you, she’ll say things alluding to whatever is going on between herself and you, but she’s saying it to herself loudly. She is 55 years old. From what I’ve been told, she’s never worked a day in her life. She has been incarcerated before she met my dad. My dad has always had different choices in who he chooses to bring into his life. He has always tried to “help” or “fix” his spouses.
This was always an unpleasant situation but I always chose to visit my dad and maintain close contact with him despite his choices and despite any discomfort I experienced on visits. Well, now it’s more than just unpleasant. My dad has some significant health issues. Him being a lifetime smoker (60+ years) he has COPD. He also has something neurological going on to which we are currently trying to get a diagnosis.
My family and I visit our California family as often as we can. Last summer, I noticed my dad slowing down. I chalked it up to old age since he was 80 at that time but he seemed otherwise ok- just a bit slower, not really comfortable driving and needing a slower pace. My dad’s spouse has a brother and he has been staying at my dad’s house for the past year. At first, my family was perplexed by this but the brother has turned out to be a literal Godsend. He alerted me late last year something serious was going on with my dad’s health-meanwhile dad’s wife is telling me how healthy my dad is- medical staff can’t believe how healthy he is, etc..
I started coming out to California more regularly starting in December. I’ve been here now 8 weeks, extending my stays every few weeks. Because my dad’s wife is incapable of any executive functioning, doesn’t care to learn or try I’ve just stepped in and made my dad’s appointments, I drive him to all appointments. When I started scheduling his appointments I was told messages would be left at his house, all unreturned. My dad has been grateful for my help.
My dad has significant swallow issues so he is losing weight when he now cannot afford to. I purchased a case of Ensure for HIM to put on weight. I found out his wife is also drinking them. And she also fell into the habit of giving my dad an Ensure for each- breakfast, lunch and dinner and got out of making any real food for him. He didn’t like this so he said he didn’t want Ensures in the house because of how his wife was using them as meal replacements 100%. So now no more Ensures. She sabotaged that. I got very concerned with him getting dehydrated so I bought him a super hydration drink powder and I found out she was drinking those too. I can’t afford even the little bit I bought for him but now he is almost critical with weight and dehydration.
His wife leaves the house for many hours at a time every night and my dad doesn’t know where she is going. Wife’s brother sits at the house making sure my dad doesn’t choke on dinner- he has had to do heimlich (sp) a few times. Nobody can contact her. I’m also hearing there are no groceries in the house, certainly nothing healthy. I’m told she spends the money on her “habit” as she is given money for groceries and comes back with maybe half of anticipated groceries and the remaining money disappears. My dad has been half hearted at best on his nebulizer for his COPD and his wife backs him up when he doesn’t want to do it.
I’m at a loss here. What are my options? Thank you
Since he does not want a feeding tube, then what he eats needs to be a certain thickness. Even water. TG that the brother and son are there. This intervention, if it does not work, then ur going to need to step back and let Dad make his own decisions about his life.
The current problems are just more of the same. And once again, you can’t stop it. All you CAN do is stop worrying about it. You don’t have a magic wand to make your father sensible and responsible, or to change anyone else in the family. The best thing to do is to focus on your own life, while you wait for the end of his. That’s hard, but at least it’s possible.
You have given us a PERFECT writeup about the progression of all of this.
Your father has made choices.
You have made choices.
Your father chose his new family.
He knows you are available.
He will contact you if he wishes his help and that is what I would suggest you put to the forefront.
Time to forget about who you "like and who you do not like".
Time now to tell Dad, who is approaching the END OF HIS LIFE that you appreciate him , that you have wonderful memories, that you are HERE FOR HIM and this is your phone number; call me any time.
81. COPD. I am 81. So let me tell you, there's nothing you can do about 81. And nothing you can do about a history of smoking.
NOW, be a support.
Whether you love the wife or not--not the question. NOT THE QUESTION. This is your father's wife. Support her. Ask her what you can do to help.
This is the end. Make it as easy and as pleasant for your Dad as you can and I swear to you that you will NEVER REGRET THAT.
it’s very likely he has ALS and that will require more care, maybe he will go to skilled nursing, I don’t know at this point. And to imply I should just “look the other way” with his caregiver high on drugs, passed out for hours as he is lacking in basic care, is especially irresponsible considering the drug environment we have not is very different from decades ago. If she brings anything laced with fentanyl into the home with someone who is immune compromised- you do the math.
You can invite him to live with you as his caregiver. If he agrees, you're all set. If he wants to live with the wife, so be it. An intervention works only when the user is willing to take help.
I don't blame your father for refusing a feeding tube. If he has a neurological condition causing swallow issues, what is it? ALS? Parkinson's? Dementia? If it's not cancer and he's not thriving, dad may be at end of life and in need of hospice care. Getting him into Assisted Living care or living with you and away from the wife may be his bet bet. Continued swallowing issues are very worrisome in any event. If he was instructed to eat pureed foods, I'm sure the wife won't comply, but is dad capable of pureeing his own foods? You don't mention what his health profile is aside from COPD and the swallow issues.
writing this second part, has me in tears… I don’t know what to do. Why is it that when I Google caretakers being actively using illicit substances, they’re deemed unfit to care for minors but what about a senior who is at risk?
The wife’s brother and her son have asked for an intervention. So that’s where I’m headed here this afternoon. I had also intended tmrw to talk to my dad about him giving me durable and medical POA. I know he has not assigned anyone POA legally.
I talked to local law enforcement a few weeks ago after the scenario in my dad’s living room where he said “you’ve been gone every night for the past 30 days. I wish you wouldn’t go”
It seems you are ready to step in further to help Dad. His brother-in-law has moved in & is already helping.
You are both in a place of concern but have limited control.
As Alva pointed out, you can care. Can offer support.
But there are facts that remain outside your control.
1. A legal spouse is the next of kin (regardless of suitability)
2. You are not (at current) the MPOA
3. Dad's COPD & other health issues
Another C word to add past Concern, Control & Care is Crises.
This may be the crises now.
Seeking advice for you to talk it out may help? To help see the wider picture. Find clarity. Read Alva's reply again. It may be all coming to the end now or soon.
I hope you can find acceptance.
That's the immediate concern. You'll worry about the unhinged wife later, once you know where dad's health stands.
Good luck!!!
What would be a solution in your eyes? The wife isn't going to improve, your Dad doesn't seem to mind, and the brother is there inserting himself, but only your Dad or his wife can tell him to move out and I don't think that's going to happen.
On your next trip out to see your Dad I would have an honest conversation with him: either he assigns you as his financial and medical PoA or you will allow him to live the plan he put in place (with his loser wife and dubious BIL/squatter). You won't even be able to report them to APS because of the brother "sort of" keeping things together, an appearance of things being acceptable. Except they're not.
When things get bad enough you have the option to pursue guardianship for him (and I think you'd win based on his wife's issues). Or, you somehow get the brother out and bring in social workers, who will eventually recommend him to a judge for court-assigned guardianship. You will not be able to manage this situation long-distance with unreliable people at his end and no legal power. You need to make a decision of how involvement and stress you wish to have trying to help him. There is no clean answer to this situation.