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My father physically and emotionally abused me my entire childhood and my mom refused to leave him. He abused her as well. He now has Parkinson’s disease and is very disabled and for me to make money I have been caring for him because I have health issues of my own where I can’t hold a job that is not flexible because I need to lay down on and off because of my heart rate spiking. I’m also in college and that alone is hard to have a job that I can afford my bills with. I’m 32 years old and also don’t have enough money to get a place of my own because of how expensive living is. My mother constantly guilt trips me into being around to help her. His insurance won’t cover any aids or help either except to pay me. I’m at a loss. Wondering if there’s any advice for me out there.

You are NOT required to care for your abuser. You have permission to walk away. He is not your problem.

You owe him nothing and you have zero obligation to him.

Take care of you!
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OpalRain Jul 24, 2025
It sounds dumb but hearing that from someone else helps a lot to recognize that I shouldn’t feel guilt and don’t owe him anything. Thank you for responding and reminding me of my worth
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I really cannot imagine acting for my abuser.
The choice is yours as a grownup whether or not you choose to do so.
Your mother cannot "guilt you". She is an old woman who can't anymore do much of anything, let alone "guilt you".

Guilt is entirely inappropriate. You didn't cause their problems and you can't fix them and cause is a part of guilt. You are simply feeling GRIEF and hopefully you are sparing little of THAT for THEM. The grief you should feel is that your parents use you and abuse you and always did, and you allow them to.

If you intend to place yourself bodily on their funeral pyre be warned: no one will admire you for it. You will have no thanks for it. It will never change who and what they are and always were. It is a waste. And most of all, understand that is is your OWN CHOICE, and you are responsible for that choice.

Sorry to be so brutal. I know a talk therapist would be every so much more kind. But he/she would also be making a living off of listening to this and listening to it and listening to it.

It is in your hands. If you want help go to a good COGNITIVE therapist who will change your way of thinking and self-speech that is self-harming.
You deserve more. When you understand that I hope you will TAKE more.
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OpalRain Jul 24, 2025
My therapist told me that there has been enmeshment since I was a child and that’s where the guilt comes from. It’s a big sign of enmeshment they said. So unlearning that will take some time. But I definitely don’t want to sacrifice anymore of my wellbeing. I’m tired of it.
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My dad was emotionally and physically abusive and caused a lot of trauma during our childhood. He was also a pathological liar, narcissistic, and dishonest financially. My mother divorced him after 20 years and pretty much walked away with nothing. He got remarried asap to a much older woman and moved to Florida. Fast forward many years later I’ve been in a stable marriage, great corporate job, have raised three kids, been financially responsible, and he starts hitting me up for money, then it was his health, his house needed repairs and on and on. Turns out his second wife died, didn’t leave him anything and he was living on social security. I decided I had to set some very firm boundaries. I did end up moving him to my state from Florida but I told him he could not live with me and my husband. He went to a senior subsidized apartment and then to a nursing home after he went on Medicaid. I did the bare minimum for him, which was still a lot, but it felt right to me. Zero guilt. Sadly for many families in situations like yours and mine, the codependency that has been modeled for you since childhood makes it very difficult to break out of and can cause tremendous guilt. You have to set boundaries and put yourself, your physical and mental health first and foremost. They will do everything they can to manipulate you. You deserve your own life. Stand strong!
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You are at college? Fantastic!

Seek out your college councelling service. Venting all this is fine.
See where you are.

Next will come starting to identify what you may want for YOUR life.

Then finding what support you will need to help you. What steps will be involved. Goals can be like a staircase - one step at a time.

From I can't.. I would like to.. Maybe I could try. I CAN try. I WILL try.
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You don’t have to do this you have chosen to do this. Put yourself first and make choices to improve your life
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OpalRain Jul 24, 2025
I can’t afford to live anywhere else and have health issues that have made it difficult to find employment. I’m not seeing how this is all a choice.
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I'm wondering what kind of job you can get after you graduate if it must be flexible enough to allow you to lie down. This leads me to advise you to talk with your college counselor, explain the situation, and ask what your prospects are for employment later.

That may not seem important now, but it could kick off a long-range plan so that you can eventually earn enough to live on or maybe even part-time work now. As someone else has posted, the college may be able to find you living quarters so you don't have to live in the home of your abusers.

Yes, two abusers. Dad AND mom. You owe your abusers nothing. You owe yourself everything. Keep that in mind, and good luck to you.
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OpalRain Jul 24, 2025
I’m going for social work where my goal would be to do counseling via telehealth so I could lay down between sessions and make my own schedule as necessary.
Also, I’ve never looked at my mom as an abuser as well. That’s something else to sit with. Thank you for the luck!
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Yes. Re-read your tale. Everywhere that reads I have to, I am forced to, I am obliged, guilted or pressured to.. change that to *I choose to*.

You choose to. It felt like the right thing at at time. OK.

You can CHANGE your MIND at any time. Start to RE-choose.

Choose Life (as the Wham! song said).
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OpalRain Jul 24, 2025
The guilt is so real. I definitely need to move out of that mindset and start taking control and CHOOSE me. Thank you for responding.
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Are you a full time student ?
I ask this because my daughter in law was an orphan . When she was in college she was homeless . The college worked with her to let her stay in a dorm on campus all year as well as give her a part time job .

This would get you out of this situation . Maybe the college could help find you shelter even if it’s with a nearby family willing to let you stay at their home in between semesters if they won’t allow you to stay on campus all year .

I know a couple in their 60’s who each year host an international student to stay with them when the dorms are closed . Maybe the college can arrange the same for you .
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OpalRain Jul 24, 2025
I’m a part time student but this is a great place to start with going to my college and asking for help! Thank you!!
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My advice....run don't walk out the door and get as far away as possible from your abusive parents.
You owe them nothing...as in nothing!!!
Surely you have a friend or other family member whose couch you can crash on until you finish school right? And if not I believe living at a homeless shelter would be better than living with abusive parents.
And if you can't hold down a job because of your health issues why don't you see an attorney about applying for disability for yourself?
I'm sorry that you too had parents that suck, but please know that you deserve so much better.
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Bulldog54321 Jul 24, 2025
100%
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Hi OpalRain, sorry you're going through all of this. As someone suggested, perhaps at school there is a counselor that can listen.

Don't let anything or anyone discourage you from getting your degree. You will then be able to support yourself. Try to get your hands on the book, "Boundary Boss". I also abused very young and then sought out others who treated me the same as my childhood abusers. Be careful as you're vulnerable. Watch out if someone comes along with a sad story in the future and then you repeat being bullied into caregiving. I am speaking from experience.

Sounds like you have Complex PTSD; no wonder you have anxiety and a racing heart. You're constantly being triggered living with your parent's issues. You need to calm your body down and that's difficult living with dysfunction. Read up on techniques: prayer, meditation, breathing, being out in nature. Don't let them bully you. He is your mother's problem, not yours. And tell her exactly that if she tries to guilt trip you again. She's transferring her problem of not leaving him onto you. Don't allow it. Hang in there and look towards the future. Get that degree and your wings will follow.
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