She most likely has undiagnosed dementia. She was hit by a car over the summer and had to go to the hospital and then a rehab program. We went up to be with her for two months but she very much showtimes and hates my mother and I being there. When we are not there she guilts us about being alone but claims she's fine. She needs to walk with a walker and takes medication daily but she kind of thinks this is all temporary and often walks without the walker. We are out of state and would like her to be in independent or assisted living she complains that she is all alone and doesn't see anybody but 'isn't lonely.' She's gotten increasingly hostile with us but loves everyone else. Some neighbors come by to help out but its not enough; we had a caretaker through Home Instead but we could not trust the caretaker due to her taking her to do things without our knowledge running errands on her own time and possibly pocketing some money. We are out the end of our rope here. I know we are likely waiting for the next incident and then she'll goi to a facility and not leave but I would obviously rather have her go before something like that happens. We have had to take over all of her finances and her mail now gets shipped to me because a piece of paper that enters that house gets lost almost immediately.
We have a followup with her new PCP next month who knows about our dementia concerns with her and her PCP has talked to her a lot about needing to use the walker all the time. We know from her friends that she is not using the walker when we are not there.
This week she told us the next day that a smoke alarm went off in her bedroom and she seemed more annoyed that a smoke alarm woke her up and wouldn't stop than that the alarm was going off. Evidently she called her handyman and the battery needed to be changed. I am concerned that if an emergency happened in her home she wouldn't know what to do. She often doesn't have her cell with her in the house and refuses to wear a medical alert.
This whole situation is stressing my mother and I out so much. She seems to actively sabotage our attempts to make things more accessible and safer in her home. It's too much house for her and things have stopped working. Does anyone have any additional ideas on how to manage this? I know we are likely just stuck in a purgatory like state until something else happens but we cannot take her constant bullying and her constant covering for memory issues and physical issues - whenever we ask her about something being wrong we're told 'im fine' or im okay.'
:(
Thibg is, let her stay. My Mum has dimentia. She lives alone and doctors let’s her per signing she is legally able. It’s a modern world. Dimentia and Alzheimer’s do not mean a person suffering from thide must leave their home or have a conservatorship.
Your hassle of her being in her own home are less then if she was in assisted or memory care at at your own home. You will have same amount of duties if not more if she leaves her home. People misunderstand this. Removing from her home isn’t necessarily needed just because you fell it is. You don’t see her daily. Clearly she’s feeding and dressing herself and able to answer phone for you to speak with her to confirm convince her to leave her home.
it is her right to die in her home or wait to live in it until doctors and the court say she cannot. Moderate Dementia Broken hips, cancer is what my Mum has. She legally can still drive yet she chose not to and is fine in her home. It is only once severe dimentia or Alzheimer’s is existing.
It is NOT safer in institutional residential care. My mother in law fell geode with personal assistants right next to her. They can’t stop fails only reduce them and be immediately there to administer aid and call paramedics when one falls.
Point is it is not always safer, easier, better or legal to remove your mother. It’s her right to stay unless you get a conservative or convince her. Elder attorneys say is a senior citizen’s rights, even with dimentia Alzheimer’s that no doctor had tekrn rifhts away with certified and you don’t have conservatorship.
So be patient. She will either see she needs to leave one day or doctors will tell you she must. Elderly still have rights to stay in home even id adult children disagree so long as they are not a threat to themselves or others and can do five tasks I’d daily living. That’s the law.
It is hard news to take when you care about your parent. But it is their right to die in their home or be their as long as above qualifications Re met. Remember, you will want to remain in your home also for as long as possible. It’s just familiar and with good memories. Do you want to removed prematurely? Nope. So be patient. A situation will occur that shows she is unsafe and that will decide it. Sometimes a fall isn’t enough to remove a person since they rehabilitate well.
good luck. Sorry for honest information you and many may disagree with. But it’s the law.
I was looking for advice on how to manage this from a far. Some of the answers have been somewhat rude and accusatory of why we even let my grandma go home by herself when she was discharged.
I don't like that you think I want her moved because this is a 'hassle' to me. This has destroyed both myself and my mother's lives. I don't know how after the snippet that is my additional information you assume she is feeding herself and dressing herself. Most days she doesn't eat, she has lost significant weight and most of what she does eat are cookies and ice cream.
This forum should provide some comfort and maybe ideas people haven't thought of before or presented in a way they haven't thought of before. Your answer especially "Sorry for honest information you and many may disagree with. But it’s the law." is just mean. You make it seem like I want to take my grandma's rights away. Quite the opposite. But I am also aware that I am terrified that something happens to her and no one knows until it's far too late.
I too am in 'The Club'. The 'Awaiting the Crises Club' to effect a move from solo to supported living.
A Social Worker explained the process. Advised to;
- Focus on what I can control (not what cannot).
- To inform the medical team of situation where I could (when a crises happens).
- Begin researching suitable living options & locations. Eg near LO's home or near mine.
- In summary: to be an Advocate for their care - for a NEW plan, rather than step in to prop things up that are no longer working.
To be 'ready to roll'.
I love the 'ready to roll' part, I think that will be our new mantra!
You also say the following: "I know we are likely waiting for the next incident and then she'll goi to a facility...."
EXACTLY. As soon as she is in hospital you should contact Social services to begin placement and discharge planning.
This is the best you can do, and to be frank this is almost impossible to do long distance. I sure wish you the best. Not everything has a good answer, and an uncooperative, failing senior has no good answers at all. Sounds you are doing the best you can. I sure wish you luck and hope you'll update us and share with us all you learn; you can be of great help to others. When I first came to Forum I learned that my anxiety and helplessness shared helped me enormously. I at least knew I wasn't alone.
Just reading on this forum has been tremendously helpful; on here (along with some other googling and what not) I have learned what behavior is common and that we aren't experiencing anger from a loved one alone.
if your moms finances will not sustain her in AL for the rest of her life , I would start looking now for one that will eventually take Medicaid. That was the biggest mistake I made. AL s that take Medicaid vary with a period of self pay . You have lots of choices of AL s that require 2 or 3 years of self pay. When I finally moved my mom near me, she had about 10 months of self pay and pickins was slim. I had an independent care advisor from a franchise called Carepatrol, who helped me find a place.. invaluable !
She fell and broke a hip in 2020 and this past time she was hit by a car in the parking lot. While we knew there were memory issues she was able to live somewhat independently. However the trauma of this accident ended up greatly negatively affecting her mental health.
I appreciate that we ‘should’ have done things differently but my mother and I also have our own issues and we’re dealing with the legal aspect of the accident at the same time.
We tell the love one the move to senior living is an extension of rehab, doctor's orders. If that elder wants to move back to their home, it is ok to use what is called a "therapeutic fib" such as the plumbing needs to be replace, etc. Something you feel that Grandmother would believe.
The hard part is now sitting and waiting for the next emergency.
When we’ve explained what doctors have said to her because she doesn’t remember she seems to accuse us of lying to her. Saying things like ‘well they didn’t say that!’ Or ‘well I don’t remember that.’ But unfortunately when the next thing happens we will be placing her somewhere permanently. I just wish we could convince her before.