My dad is 92 and my research shows he is in Stage 6c-e of Alzheimer's.
My dad thinks he is back at work, in the 1980s. I go along with it and join in the conversation as much as I can, but he knows I am not a businesswoman nor do I have a background in it. But I want to be there for my dad, and if it means talking like it's the 80's and he's still working, I can do that, no problem.
I do know enough about his past job to ask questions that pertain to his work. I ask how he should proceed with the "projects" he is currently working on. I sort of wing it, and he says I've been quite helpful.
Last year at this time, my dad would tell me that he needs a job to support his family. I would remind him that his finances are in order and he doesn't need to work. (I understand now I should not have said that.)
But then my dad would say, "OK, but how can I keep myself busy? I want to be productive." He used to write newsletters for work, so I suggested he write a newsletter on bird watching, which he loves. But then he'd ask, "How will I get paid?"
Last year he was quite focused on earning money. Part of me wanted to send him a check, to give him what he wanted: a paycheck. But last year he was aware it was 2024, so he was only focused on earning money every now and then. I never did send him a check.
But these days he thinks he is at work more often than not. (One thing that has changed is he does not bring up the need to earn money. I don't know if that will return.)
My husband is a businessman, and currently my dad thinks he and my husband are working together at my dad's business. My husband is really the only person my dad wants to talk to lately.
The issue: my husband wants to remind my dad that he is retired, does not need to work or earn money, and he should just relax and enjoy life. My husband doesn't seem to have patience for my dad's conversations about work, yet he is my dad's number one choice for work conversation.
I tell my husband that this will not help my dad. My husband and I have discussed this many times, and I just cannot get him to understand.
I suggested my husband read some of the countless articles and books by professionals and those living with dementia patients so he can become more educated on the subject of how to talk to someone with Alzheimer's. He sort of rolls his eyes.
Then my husband said to me, "If I find proof that it's ok to correct people with dementia, will you be ok with my telling him what I want to tell him?"
My husband is adamant that his way is the right way to handle this situation, instead of therapeutic fibbing.
I relented and said ok. I'm crossing my fingers that my husband is unsuccessful.
I'm sorry you're having this problem with your husband. He has for some reason decided to be bullheaded and inconsiderate of you and dad. Perhaps he is feeling that he doesn't get enough of your attention because you're so concentrated on dad. Maybe he's like a child who resents another child coming along and capturing all of mommy's attention.
I can't tell you what to do about that, but I know what I'd do. I'd disengage a bit from husband and stop talking about dad, dad, dad. Taking care of an elder with dementia tends to narrow our outlook on everything. Nothing else seems important sometimes. So I get it. I've done it.
This is how taking care of parents with dementia can change a couple's marriage forever. Just sayin'.
The spoiler, which you shouldn’t divulge, is that this episode features nursing homes giving residents a neural link that allows them to be transported to whatever time and generation they wish. And as a protagonist said, “This is real. How can you say it’s not real?” And the viewer gets exactly how this is real to them being that the story is from their pov.
The point being is that your father has retreated into an alternate comforting reality that comforts him as his brain continues to die.
...Im not crazy about "therapeutic lies" either and I am new to this forum and read about the "medical reasoning" behind them. What has been asked and stated here has certainly got my attention. Thank you.