His only hobby is channel surfing when he's not sleeping. He had COPD and the only time he leaves the house is to go buy his beer and cigarettes. Soon he won't be able to carry in a 30 pack cause he's breathing hard by the time he sets it on the counter . We talk when we're eating and when we say good morning and good night. He sleeps on the sofa all night and half the day. He's negative about almost everything. All he's doing is dragging me down. I have several hobbies with my quilt guild and my jigsaw puzzles. So I spend my days doing those things while he sleeps. I have epilepsy and can't drive so I can't just get up and drive to visit my children. They have to come get me, about 2 hours away. I love him but I don't like him at all. I feel like I'd be happier by myself but don't know if I can afford it. I'm not sure what to do. Some days I just live in my sewing room . Today was lucky. My kids and grandkids were coming near here and wanted to see us. They were going to be arriving soon and refused to go out to lunch with us cause he didn't have time to get ready. I was ready to go in 15 minutes. He was just mad cause they didn't give him enough notice so I said fine, I'll see you later. Now I come home 6 hours later and he just said don't talk to me, you'll just make it worse. So I've gone to the bedroom to contimplate divorce. We have been married for 28 years. I spent several months with my daughter about 10 years ago when the drinking was the biggest problem. I am 73, he's 70. Any advice?
Do your own thing and take Joanne's advice. Good luck.
I said what I did because seems my ex was the same way. He retired at 60 and passed at 69. He lived alone. He became a recluse had a case of beer delivered every day. He too had CHF. He sat in his recliner day in and day out drinking his beer. Thats where a friend found him. He had passed away in his recliner. I am 75, if I were you, have your cake and eat it to. Go on with your life without him. Stay in your home and use his money to pay the bills. Use yours to have a good life.
Enjoy your week!
Your hubby seems to have little interest in life other than smoking and drinking, and that may not change. My SIL and daughter at his age are out going to concerts, gardening, hiking, planning trips together and etc.
This could be alcoholism if he's having such a difficult time even hauling enough to keep him flattened out on the sofa. The COPD won't help in terms of feeling up to anything at all, especially as he is still smoking which is somewhat a suicide mission for a man with COPD. I agree he should be assessed for depression, but I don't know that he would give up his alcohol for it.
I know ONE good new activity for you to add to puzzles and quilting, and that would be Al-Anon where you would find GREAT support, socialization, enjoyment, and a whole ton of knowledge as well.
We really aren't marriage counselors.
You are living as roommates, and in all honesty that is often how it all ends. There are times marriages adapt from romance when your, to parenting together when children are there, to pleasant supportive roommates after. And it is true that it is very expensive to part just so your don't need a roommate. And roommates are always hard to live with, whether they are spouses or not.
Of the things you mention only one would annoy me, and that would be the smoking. I am good at my own life, my own hobbies, my own time spent happily enough with my own stuff. Even in a marriage where you remain close, you tend to like to do different things. My guy is a news junkie and I hate the news. He's always puttering about with repairs while I do other things in household. We even walk at different time, differing routes and routines with his walking frequent, shorter, and with the dog; I walk longer routes less frequently. I don't think much of this is unusual. As to your recent spat, I agree with him that it all could have waited a bit for him to get ready to join you; but as it is you all chose differently. So you are having a spat. When in a marriage is that unusual, no matter what stage you are in.
You already know your choices. Only you can make them. But it sounds to me as though you are content with your hobbies. The smoke alone would drive me out if he didn't agree to smoke outside, but what makes you stay or makes you go is clearly totally up to you. I can only wish you good luck.
Retiring, having a chronic condition, smoking and drinking combined sound like a recipe for depression.
Is his doctor aware of what he is doing? how he is coping?
Was the retirement necessary because of the COPD? (I have to ask is he on oxygen? Please say no!!)
You have to do what you think is right for YOU.
Have you talked to a Therapist? A neutral person to talk to and sort out what is in your head is a good idea.
Then a consultation with an attorney is a good idea. What are your options, what are long term ramifications of getting divorced. How will you protect yourself?