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He always wants to run off to "his wife" at every hour and I'm burned out. He doesn't believe we are married even if I show him pictures. I even told him that his wife is on a trip with her family, but he says I am lying. What should I do? We live together and are not rich, his body is in perfect health. I am trying to postpone AL or dementia care as much as possible.

It is no use arguing with someone with dementia. They believe what they believe, and it is real to them. It is upsetting to them when you try to correct them.

I'm so sorry this is your husband who lives with you. You do not need to convince him that you are his wife. Just take on the roll of caregiver, mother, friend, whatever he sees you as. It must be frustrating that he keeps asking to go to his wife.

Surely, he's not able to leave the house, is he? You need to make sure he does not attempt to drive. For that matter, even walking away from home and wandering, he could get lost and get into trouble.

Try talking with his doctor about an anti-anxiety medication. Your husband is very anxious and upset, and he's looking for some comfort that he can not find.
Try and provide that soothing comfort to him, without correcting him.

You may need to place him in Memory Care sooner than you think.
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AnnaKat Mar 15, 2026
Thanks for the advice. We have a security door and alarms on the doors. He doesn't have the keys. However, he is still quite athletic and has managed to climb the wall to get in our neighbor's yard and then into the street. So far he has done it only once, I managed to stop him every time so far, thanks to the door alarm.
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Your husband suffers from anosognosia which means he is unable to recognize or acknowledge his deficits vs being in "denial".

Tell him you are Sue, the new caregiver and companion the DOCTOR prescribed for him to have 24/7. That his wife is in Europe on an extended trip and won't be back for many months. Don't tell him you are his wife, it's not working. Call the doctor for meds to calm him down.

Seriously consider placing him in Memory Care Assisted Living now because the quality of your life is being compromised now. But get him to a calm state with meds first, because Memory Care wants relaxed residents.

Best of luck to you and I'm very sorry youre going thru such a nightmare. Dementia is a lose-lose situation for ALL concerned.
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AnnaKat 40 min ago
Thanks for the great suggestions! Telling him I was a caregiver worked today.
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As mentioned, there are medications to calm his anxiety. He may also have some delirium for which other medications might help. He may have a picture in his mind of you at a certain phase of life and if you look different now (which most of us do) -- different hair color, longer or shorter hair, different weight, glasses, etc., his brain simply may not recognize you as the same person.

And this can be very sad for you. But him looking for you should make you realize that he does value you, in whatever version of you his brain is holding onto.

Is there any danger that he might try to hurt you, thinking that you are a stranger or that you are in some way keeping his wife from him or harming "her"? Do you sleep in the same room? Be realistic if there is any threat and be prepared. Locked bedroom door, phone always with you, ability to leave despite the door locks. And look into memory care, for both of your safety.
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AnnaKat 27 min ago
Thanks for the great advice and the concern. He is not aggressive, at least for now. I have the key to the locks and will move to the guest bedroom if needed.
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I think your postponing days are pretty much over.
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Since he has already climbed a wall to "escape," chances are good he'll do it again. My husband was also an escape artist. It was harrowing because I tried everything to keep him inside. Locks, alarms, bells, all of it. I had trackers on him; he wore cargo shorts and pants, and I distributed his ID, two air tags and his phone among the pockets. He also wore an Apple smartwatch, and I could track him on that. Despite all of that, he figured out the lock on the door in the 10 minutes I was out of the room to take a call from the care facility he was soon to enter. I searched his usual routes through the neighborhood, but he'd gotten onto a busy 4-lane and someone picked him up and called an ambulance. Unknown to me, he'd chewed his ID to bits earlier that day, so it wasn't on him and no one knew to call me. He couldn't tell them. He ended up as a John Doe in a hospital 15 miles away, thankfully unharmed.

The time before that, he took an early morning walk before I was awake and tried to climb over a tall rock wall. He evidently slipped and slid down it because his face was torn up with bits of stone in the sores. He couldn't tell me what happened but when I looked up his trail on his phone, he'd walked about a mile (very fit runner) and tried to get over the wall to a major highway.

Don't ever think you can keep them safe when this behavior starts. He's past AL status now. Start looking for a memory care facility, and good luck.
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MG8522 9 hours ago
How scary! Some of the very qualities that made people successful in life -- intelligence, determination. analytical and problem-solving skills -- make this so difficult if dementia sets in.
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I'm not sure if you've had an official diagnosis but you know that if he doesn't recognize you he's got dementia. What you do next is depending on you and how his dementia is affecting you..and him. Do you need a little respite And would hiring some help give you a bit of a breather. Tell us what you think you need and how we can help
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AnnaKat 37 min ago
Thanks! 🙏🙏🙏
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This sounds like Capgras syndrome.

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/capgras-syndrome

I doubt there is any way you can convince him. I have no doubt this is very upsetting. I am sorry. It may be impossible to care for him at home. Meds might be helpful in any case to diminish his symptoms.
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AnnaKat Mar 15, 2026
Thanks, I will mention it to his psychiatrist. Our old doctor retired, the new doctor didn't even know he had dementia.
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See an elder lawyer to have your assets split. His split will go towards his care in an AL and when its almost gone, your apply for Medicaid. Once a Community spouse, you keep the home, a car and get enough or all of the monthly income to live on.
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As he has started escaping and does not recognize you, I would speak with his doctor about his future and start applying for Medicaid in case he needs to be placed soon. If he becomes violent, call 911and let them know you think he needs to be checked out and you are afraid. Hopefully they can take him in and you can get him placed in a care home. He is not going to get better and suddenly recognize you. It's going to get harder to deal with him.
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Just wanted to say how sorry I am for your situation, AnnaKat. It sounds so hard and heartbreaking. I hope you have someone who can stay with him so you can have a break now and then.
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