Sorry this is long. I am new here. At the end of the summer, my mother in law left my father in law. She did this by getting in their RV that she can barely drive and checking into an RV Park. No one knew where she was for three days. When we finally tracked her down, I drove from Dallas to Tulsa and picked her up and brought her back to our home. She is in the beginning stages of dementia and has a host of other issues. She is 77. She was here for about a month where I struggled to make sure she took her medicine and didn’t fall and didn’t try to drive. Oh yes, I have 4 children and we own a business that keeps my husband out until 8-9pm. My mother in law insisted on going everywhere we went. Baseball practice, gymnastics, swim lessons, etc. It was such a beating. I got to the point where I wouldn’t even go eat with my family because just eating out would take hours. Finally my brother in law came down and took her to Branson for a little vacation. We told him that she was out of medicine and needed to go to the doctor ASAP in Tulsa. We also told him that she couldn’t stay in her house because they are hoarders and it was bad for her. So what happened? He never took her to the doctor and she stayed at the house. Three weeks later she almost had a stroke and is now in ICU in Oklahoma. Both my husband and brother in law refuse to accept responsibility for their mother and think that either myself or their aunt will just take care of it. I told my husband that she CANNOT come back here to live because it is too much on me. He told me that if this is how I feel, he wants a divorce. Never mind that we have 4 children ranging from 5-18 years old. I am going to stand my ground. I can’t do it. Am I a terrible person? (There’s a lot more drama in there but for time’s sake...)
As far as a terrible person I refuse to address that because you already know that is a lie. Know your limitations. You are a human being. Not a Saint. Were you a Saint you would die shot full of arrows and spend eternity trying to answer the prayers of people like your husband. ETERNITY. So you are a human with limitations and Mom is one major limitation in my book.
Now. Either you have a marriage in which you can talk, or you do not. With four children I am assuming you do not work full time. Your husband is, whether meaning to or not, considering you his slave to care for his progeny, to help with his business and to care for his aging mother. If this is TRULY what he expects when you sit and talk together, yes, I suggest a divorce. And I would let him know that you will be leaving the children with him so that you can get a job and support yourself. And I would let him know that one half of his assets, indeed belong to you. And I would see a divorce lawyer as in yesterday.
Never, my weakest moment alive, did I imagine I would be capable of caring for my brother in my home. I simply am not capable of that. I would tell your husband that, if he moves his mother in with you he stands an 80% chance (or better) that you will leave him with Mom and the children.
And now you need to start making yourself a life that you can sustain yourself in. Do you have friends? Go to them. Do you have accounts that are yours? See to it they remain yours; if not, before you have this heart to heart, see to it that you move some cash into an account in your name only. Things may get very ugly very fast. And the answer to all this CANNOT be that you capitulate to attempt care giving. I hope you have been on this site. I hope you see what people go through as they give up the entirety of their lives to those they care for. And they seldom have four children.
I hope you will update us. Take a deep breathe. Do not act from anger. Find friends and find support however you have to do that. Speak with your husband ONLY from a kind, slow, careful and rational heart, not in the heat of fear and pain.
All best to you. This is truly quite awful. But you know that. You must stand for yourself now, stand your ground BY yourself and FOR yourself, and ultimately for your family as well, because this, my dear would be the most unfair thing you could EVER do to four children. THEY are your family. You must act with care.
Stand your ground and call his bluff. In fact I would raise him and say YES let's get divorced! I'm ready!
How dare he pull the divorce card because you won't let his elderly mother move into your home!
I agree with all the others who said to talk to a lawyer ASAP. Get your ducks in a row and prepare for divorce. Then call his bluff and have him served. In fact file for alimony and child support NOW. Ask him where he plans to move so you can forward any mail.
Now who is going to take care of his mother?
DO NOT BRING HER TO YOUR HOUSE unless you and your husband are in agreement and you have a strong network of supports in place. Your first responsibility is to your children.
Here is what I think. Mom has Dementia and left FIL because of it. He could have said something that just set her off. Its the Dementia. How old is FIL? Is his health good? If so she is his responsibility. He is going to have to deal with her health problems. He is going to need to make decisions. Maybe with his son's help but she is FILs responsibility. And if I was the Aunt, I would be furious that my nephews felt it was my responsibility to take care of their mother. If Moms 77 the Aunt is close in age.
MIL being in the hospital is a good time for FIL and sons to sit down and figure out the next step. She will probably go to rehab, let her. Medicare will pay 100% for first 20 days then 50% up to 100 days. MIL may pay $160 a day from 21 to 100 days. If FIL can't afford it, then he can apply for Medicaid.
While MIL is in rehab, get her evaluated. If its found that MIL will need 24/7 care and FIL and sons are not able to provide it, then LTC is next option. FIL will become a Community spouse. Assets will be split and MILs part will need to be spent down and then Medicaid applied for.
I am basing what I said on that in-laws don't have a lot of assets. There are ALs too. He could place Mom in one and he goes and lives with her. That way he gets 3 meals a day. A nice room/apt and he can come and go as he pleases knowing that there is staff there for Mom. Or just place her in one and visit.
Dementia is a terrible disease. You never know what someone suffering from or will do. Paranoia can set it in. MIL could hurt one of your children. Your husband has a lot on his plate too. Right now, he feels you are the person he should be able to count on and he can't because you too have a full plate. Tell husband you can support him but you cannot have a woman, who will become like a child, living with you. Its not fair for him to think you can care for one more person especially one who will need more and more care as time goes on. Is he going to come home at 9pm and give u a break. Is he going to help toilet her and diaper her.
Good Luck. I hope husbands family can come together and do what is best for MIL. Come back and tell us how it works out.
Agree if I was Aunt I'd be gobsmacked at both nephews lack of maturity.
Even if a messy divorce ensued (likely costing him a lot of what he has worked for). He still will be back at square one (and a lot more financially strapped).
What to do with mom.
Surely he knows, if divorced ... even less of any chance you're a resource as to his mom's care.
So fine, go ahead, we'll go consult atty's and get this show on the road. Whatcha gunna do about your mom? Bullying me didn't solve it, still have that to work through.
What a bunch of bull squeeze that is, to threaten that!
Alzheimer's Assn. also has excellent lists, better than the Area Agency on Aging. Timing is also quicker; I got AA lists e-mailed w/I 1/2 hour; AAA snail mailed them a week later.
14. Check out paratransit through the local senior center and public transit authorities. Small Bus services provide a sort of concierge service, and they're the most reasonable. Star EMS also has a nonemergency service for pickup and delivery; I've just used it for my post-op doctor visit.
15. In other words, try to identify, address and find solutions for MIL to use (a) until you find another place for her to live, and (b) to relieve the burden on you right now, as well as (c) help her segue into an alternate abode that's away from your home, and HOPEFULLY (d) allow your husband to recognize the financial and familial cost to him if he expects you to manage MIL's care entirely at home.
16. Much as I find this distasteful, I would also research divorce attorneys. If you need guidance on how to find good and reliable ones, just post back.
So, essentially, YOU are preparing for alternate options, and protecting yourself and your children. But you can also help your husband (assuming you want to stay married) by finding resources that address and eliminate the probable frantic and lack of common sense reasoning he's displaying.
I suspect he's overwhelmed but doesn't know how to find alternate resources and just wants to take the quickest way out, i.e., by dumping the problems on you and threatening divorce if you don't acquiesce.
Good luck. You're not the only one facing this issue. I tried unsuccessfully to find a post on a woman in exactly the same position; she lived in Florida, took a firm stand, and if I recall her last post (sometime last year) showed that she was making progress and hadn't compromised.
(Unfortunately, the search function here is very limited and not specific, so I can't find that post. It would have been inspiring reading.)
In the meantime, take a walk or do something positive to help clear your head so you can make the decisions necessary to benefit all parties. And good luck!
2. I suspect your husband is overwhelmed (who wouldn't be?) and just wants to shove off all the responsibility on your shoulders, while he continues to do the husband thing and work at the business that, apparently, both of you own together.
3. Before even considering divorce or threatening it, as many have suggested, think about this (it's not the highest priority but it's a major factor):
a. Do you legally own the business together? Is it a joint venture, LLC, or what's the nature of it? If divorce occurred, would you continue to participate in managing it (I rather doubt it)? Could either of you run the business alone? Is the business the sole financial support for your family?
b. My points are not that the business is priority, but that dissolution of it may and probably would affect the family income, i.e., 2 issues specifically:
1. Your husband would lack income to pay child support (if ruled by a court), as he would be required to compensate you for your investment and share of the business.
2. If he sold his share to you, could you manage the business yourself?
3. If you sold your share to him, would it be enough to support you and your children?
4. If there were a divorce, the judge would factor in (a) your ability to provide support for the children and yourself (affecting alimony which I understand is not automatic if the wife has adequate resources of her own) (b) age of the children, and similar issues focusing on child care.
5. I raise these issues not to encourage divorce, but to put it in perspective for your husband, if he really thinks it's just a matter of his decision. There could be significant consequences for him, including not seeing his children as often as he does now.
6. I'm not suggesting accepting his position, but I think understanding it could help reach a solution. He's probably frightened, uncertain, anxious, not only for your family but for his mother, especially since his brother apparently isn't helping.
7. So, use this as an opportunity, not a threat, and create a solution. Ideally, both of you should work out a solution together, but if he's unable or unwilling, you'll need to take the lead, at least until you can work together (if he's capable of that).
8. I'm a firm believer of the Indiana Jones substitution effect - offset something with another proposition. Consider that option. So:
9. Have your 18 yr. old research AL or other living facilities in the area. Draft a list (folks here can help) of what to look for, then visit and inspect them, taking at least your oldest with you. Two sets of eyes and minds are better than one, especially when stress is involved.
10. Cost would I assume be a major factor. Consider if you could afford it; perhaps BIL's wife could offer her assessment of their family's ability. If not, do you have access to MIL's financials and know whether or not she could afford the cost, or if she'd need to file for Medicaid?
In other words, research the alternatives so you can provide a coherent plan.
11. In the meantime, also have your oldest offspring research home care assistance to get someone in ASAP and help out. You won't get full time help, and it does take some research, but it'll take the burden off you while you plan for alternate arrangements. And the cost might help your husband recognize that his choice ISN'T the free option.
12. Check out the local Senior Center, get a newsletter, and ask which (not if) activities MIL would like to attend. If your SC provides drop-off and pickup, arrange for that. This is another substitution - older elders, professionally run entertainment and activity, instead of MIL "accompanying" you & your family.
Out of space.
Sorry, but any person that threatens to rip the rug from under your life because you won't kiss their backside is not a life partner. No one should have to live with the uncertainty of not knowing what will produce the actual action.
Might be the only way to make him see your side. (which by the way, is a very good side, protect yourself and your physical/mental health -- no one else will!!!)
Move on, you will not regret this decision. Let him deal with his mommy, not your circus, not your monkeys.
Sending hugs and support your way.
You will lose MORE if your MIL moves in and you have to become her caregiver. You got a brief glimpse of one month of it. Imagine YEARS of this, getting progressively worse!
He is trying to bully you into doing what he is not man enough to do, which is make plans for his mother.
Call his bluff.
Put your foot DOWN and keep it down. Tell him you will help HIM make arrangements, but under NO UNCERTAIN TERMS will you live in the same house with her and become her caregiver.
Divorce is better than caving into becoming her caregiver.
This website is FULL of stories of the women who succumbed to pressure from spouses or family to become caregiver and became trapped and trampled upon and treated like dirt!
Don't become one of these poor souls.
You are NOT wrong to put yourself and your kids first!
She's 77. Imagine if she lives to be 90 (or more)!!!
I'd rather live with my kids "in a van down by the river" than be trapped in that situation. His mom. His responsibility. You are there to help with decisions and facilitation of those decisions, NOT become the servant and catch-all due to their failure to plan.
he will end up paying huge amounts in child support as well as spousal support. He will be at fault for abandonment.
I would go now and get several thousand dollars out of the joint account and hire a lawyer.
think about this....do YOU want to be married to a man who has done this to you and threatens you now? Get out now...take as much money an assets with you...get training and prepare to build a good life for yourself.
i don’t think I need to go on and on about just how horrible your life will become if you do buckle to his unreasonable demands and allow her to come live there.
He focuses all his time on his business while you are holding down the fort with 4 kids. I bet he thinks you are sitting on the couch reading a magazine for most of the day. So of course you have the time to watch mom...who is really no trouble at all.
When my grandmother visited my father used my mom and I as buffers so he didn't have to deal with her. Then one time he had to spend the weekend at her place alone with her. He came back looking like he did a tour of duty in Vietnam. He asked when she had gotten so bad....we told him she was always like this, he just left us to deal with it.
He can freak out, seek help for his Mum, make plans with brother, stay married.
Or he can freak out, seek help for his Mom, make plans with his brother, start divorce process & break his own family up.
Choice A or B?
Even if there was hired help for 8 hours a day, if your H works until 8 - 9 p.m., you will be the caregiver for 4 - 5 hours/day. Dementia only gets worse, and if your MIL is only 77, there could be many years of increasingly difficult caregiving in your futures if you take her into your home again.
If you both own your business, that will be difficult and another thing you need to consult an attorney about.
You are stuck in a bad situation. Please come back and keep us updated. We are on YOUR side!
Unlikely to change YOUR situation, but a partial reliever for YOUR thoughts of yourself.
By NO MEANS are you a terrible person.
Um. Really? And where would that get him?
I don't think your husband wants a divorce, really, do you? I think he's expressing his disappointment, massively worsened by stress and anxiety, that you won't "solve" this for him. Do stand your ground. You can't do it. Not because you are a terrible person, but because it can't be done.
Um, again - what do you mean, she "almost" had a stroke and is now in ICU in Oklahoma? What landed her in the ICU if she didn't actually have a stroke? - and what's the plan for her medical care now?
Find out if there is a divorce MEDIATOR in your area. They can be very good folks to visit when a spouse has gone off the rails like this.
I don't know what your relationship was like before this or what your mutual problem solving style was. Most likely he is overwhelmed and terrified of the idea of having care for his mom.
His mother sounds as though she is beyond the staying at home with family without a lot of in-home care. What are her financial resources like? Does she qualify for Medicaid?
Can she be managed in your home with an aid several hours a day? Or if she went to day care each day?
Look into what is available in your area. Start by calling the local Area Agency on Aging.
It might be a good idea to say something like ‘If you’re serious, we should both go to see a lawyer now and see what financial arrangements would need to be made. Don’t forget that you will still need to arrange care for your mother. We both need a clearer picture before we can make a decision on what to do’. This calls the bluff, and you can say it truthfully without getting angry or being 'a terrible person'.
Based on her sons' behavior, there's NO way even a "temporary" stay is going to go well for any of the women involved ... including MIL. This would be true even if MIL is a Living Dream Angel ... and nobody human can match that description.
Have hubby set her up with new doctor in your area.. get her acquanted, get the 7 day tray for meds, and keep track... MIL cannot do it,... ask my neighbor... he has tried for several weeks, now, and mom keeps running out of pills.... ReallY...
Mom lives in assisted living, but he has not put her on the drug program yet, where AL will monitor the pills...... WHAT? SHE RAN OUT AGAIN? SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHY???????????? hmmm.
Perhaps that extra $300.00 a month would solve that issue... !!! YUP ,,, That's what it costs sometimes when a person needs monitoring...
Some places drug monitoring is included..... Check around... Look around, take tours, and take their free lunches... and if it looks good, take MIL to check it out too....
I just pray my child doesn't have to go through that with me.... GOD PLEASE DON'T MAKE HER GO THROUGH THAT... I PRAY PLEASE LORD, TAKE ME BEFORE IT GETS THAT BAD.... I DON'T WANT TO BE A BURDEN TO MY CHILD OR THE FAMILY..... Just sweep me away, and hopefully peacefully.... Amen.
Mom is 77, clinically she has dementia written down in writing, people age differently... Seriously...
Kinda siding with Captain here.... ]
What hoarders? Why is someone sleeping in her home that are hoarders? does she know these people? Why isn't your hubby or BIL taking care of THAT MESS?
The hoarders are on your MIL, BIL, HUBBY.... Stay out of it...
Hubby will need to talk with social caretaker, doctor, and find out what the options are.....
LEAVE MEDICAL DECISIONS UP TO THE SONS AND THEIR MOM..... DON'T SHAKE AN ARM OR A LEG....
DIVORCE ISN'T THE ANSWER TO EVERYTHING.
ONE way or another everyone will come to terms... Your MIL needs family too...If you have an extra room, perhaps MIL can take that room, and you can look for adult day care for her near home...
How do kids feel about GM living with them? They may actually help her. 18 year old? going to college? well, if not, then perhaps 18 year old can help out somehow, by taking GM to adult day care...
Find a good side here...somewhere.... especially now, holidays etc.... find a good side, It's hard, I know, doing that with other stuff... but try...
write down 10 things in a row.. don't think, just write... do this every night or when ever you can for a week... don't look at it,,, just write...
in a couple of weeks... look at what you wrote....
As a parent I wouldn’t want caregiving to be placed on a young person on a regular basis. They may do small favors periodically but they may not be able to handle certain situations.
I doubt that marriage counselling will help as he seems to have a my road or the high road attitude.
You need to talk to a lawyer asap and find out your rights. 4 kids at home most of them in school is going to mean a whole bunch of child support and alimony coming your way.
Watch some of Dave Ramsey's videos on YouTube where he talks to women whose husbands as he puts it, 'have misbehaved'...
You obviously procreated with a dutiful little boy and now you are facing the unfortunate consequences. That he would even go there when you have 4 minor children is proof that he only cares about getting his own way. As hard as this is, it is better to know now that he doesn't have your back.
I am so sorry that you are facing losing your life because of his mommy.