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I was injured a month ago quite badly, I have son dying of cancer, work full time from home and I cannot stand my MiL living in my home. She is manipulative and my husband says he is in the middle and I'm the problem. She has called me a bitch in my own home. you can feel the stress dripping off the walls ever since she moved in. She overrides my decisions. I cannot stand it. My husband must take her everywhere, I will be in tears and he won't care. I want just time alone with him.
She pays for nothing but is wealthy enough to be a self funded retiree.
She is very subtle makes it look i am the problem. She comes into my room even when door is shut. Even when I was in hopt she changed things around in my home the way she wants them.
I just want to cry as my home for me is now pure misery, yet my husband says I am taking it out on him but he is not listening to what i have to say.
Please help me!

Help, welcome to the forum.

I'm so sorry for all the problems, medical and personal that you are dealing with right now.

Is there some cultural expectation in your husband's/mil's background that the wife/dil submit in this way?

If so, I would start with solo therapy for you, to explore ways for you to cope with what is clearly a damaging and unsustainable situation.

I would consult a divorce attorney, because the facts on the ground are different in each state. Protect yourself first.

Wishing you the best. Let us know how it goes
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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I have to agree that this definitely a marriage problem more than it is a MIL problem.
Any time a husband puts his mom before his wife that is a HUGE red flag.
If hubby won't agree to any marriage counseling I would pack my bags and move out to a nice peaceful apartment, see a divorce lawyer and let your sorry excuse for a husband live happily ever after with his mommy dearest.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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This sounds more like a Marriage problem than a caregiving problem.
Few questions...
Why did she move in and were you consulted at all about this??

Have you considered counseling? Would he be willing to go? If not you should consider going yourself, you have a LOT going on and you need a safe place to talk and vent if necessary.

Are you doing any "caregiving" for her? If so STOP. Stop doing anything for her, let your husband care for his mother. Yup this means if she needs help in the bathroom, he helps. If she needs help bathing, he helps. If she needs help dressing, he helps.

If there is a slight possibility that this will lead to divorce you need to protect yourself and your child so talk to an attorney to help determine what your options are. This discussion does not necessarily mean you will divorce but it is to get information.

If you can find another place to work that will give you the privacy you need and a break from what is happening that might help as far as work goes. Maybe a library, a local coffee shop, the local park if the weather is nice. Even a friends house.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Hope21 May 30, 2026
Great point—“stop all caregiving”!!!! Find somewhere else to work. Protect self by attorney consult.
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Your husband is the problem. Not only that, but your husband and mother seem to be united, leaving you on the outside. This is called triangulation.

You need to put yourself and your son first. That can't happen if you're in your home and caught up in the drama that MIL and husband create. They could choose to be supportive of you and your son but apparently do not. How can you put space between you and son and your husband and mother-in-law? Is it possible to separate, have your own quiet place, and concentrate on your own healing? With time left over to do what you need to do for your son? Is there a relative who would let you live with them for a while?

Find a lawyer who can advise you. Often the first visit with a lawyer is free. After you get some legal advice, you'll know your options. Be sure to ask the lawyer if you can kick husband and MIL out rather than you leaving your own home to these jerks.

I hope you find some good solutions, and my best to both you and your son.
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Reply to Fawnby
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Help64 6 hours ago
Hu Fawnby, Thank you for your kindness. It is greatly appreciated
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A husband's first priority has to be his partner/wife. That's really the bottom line. He needs to find her an alternate place to live. And, w/ an ill son, wow, what is it he and his mother don't understand??
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Help64 6 hours ago
Hi Nan333 thank you for your kind words. It helped me realise im not going mad.
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I think you need a lawyer to put the situation to your H from an outside point of view. When you see the lawyer, take details of who owns your house, who earns what and who pays for what. Your H needs to see the legal issues, not just his own personal view point.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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Is your son a minor, still undergoing treatment? Many children's hospitals have housing for families who are away from their own home. Perhaps you should speak with your son's social worker if he has one. Even if they don't have a facility available, the SW might have some ideas. Childhood cancer patients often respond to the environment in which they live. If your son is feeling any of the stress in the house, it might not be helpful for his battle with cancer. (I speak from experience.)
Perhaps having a talk with his SW and then letting that person confront your husband might be good, if Dad loves his son enough.
Women's shelter, maybe, if hospital is unable to help?
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Help64 6 hours ago
Hi MTNester1, my son is 43. He had colon cancer 2 years ago but sadly it has spread. It is now in his brain, chest, and ankles.
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You need to get him to go to couple's counseling. He can even pick the counselor (so that he can't say you picked someone "on your side"). He needs to see that his prioritizing his Mother before you is dysfunctional and will never result in a healthy marriage. His Mother disrespecting you in your own home makes it worse. She needs to get out but he has to be the one to put this in motion. This is why counseling comes first. If he's unwilling to go to counseling you will need to seriously consider a separation to drive the point home.

I'm so sorry about your son's cancer. We are currently housing our friend's son dying of brain cancer and his parents' grief is gutwrencing. But going to couple's counseling may also act as grief counseling for you both. Please think about how you will incentivize him to go. Your marriage will never survive your current circumstances. I wish you peace in your heart as you move through it all to a resolution.
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Reply to Geaton777
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MargaretMcKen 18 hours ago
Counseling is about feelings, understanding, and personal view points. I'd go for the law first. Legality is about rights, which aren't subjective.
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Wow. Not raining, but definitely pouring in your life right now. I am so sorry. I can feel the hurt and sense of betrayal in your words. Is there any way that your husband would go with you to therapy? Perhaps a mediator of this type could help him to take a step back and listen and see this situation clearly, and consider more where you are coming from. If I were you I would also need help dealing with all that is on your plate right now, not the least of which is his inability to separate from his mom (with a son dying of cancer it would be natural to be afraid of losing this comforting relationship/person as well—but NOT an excuse for treating you this way!).

I sure would find this situation unlivable as well. I hope he will cooperate in solutions. Remember—YOU matter. There is nothing wrong with expecting to be treated with respect and consideration and being heard. I am praying for you right now.
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Hope21 May 30, 2026
And, I hope you have put your house back to the way YOU want it, not how she rearranged it!
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Replying to your recent comment, a long way down the list: “My husband won't go to counseling. We have had a happy 25 year marriage and MIL will only speak to me in his presence. …. I feel like I am the intruder. I pay for everything, the mortgage, rates, everything”.

I’ll also repeat what I said originally: “Your H needs to see the legal issues, not just his own personal view point”. He needs to know that he does NOT have the whip hand or the deciding voice. If you provide the money, neither H more MIL get to run the show. A respectable lawyer acting for you might make him wake up to reality.
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