My mom is 85 years old and not only has dementia, but has CHG. Her husband is 88 years old and has cancer. My mom can’t do much for herself anymore, so her husband is her full time caregiver. He complains that he’s tired, but refuses assistance from outside help. I try to help making sure they have food and I sit with her when he has appointments etc. However, I have a 7 year old that I am raising and she needs her time. I would love for my mom to live with me, but I think he would rather her go to a facility than to let that happen.
He also fails to really understand dementia and takes her stubbornness personally. He laughs and makes fun of some of things she does, which is very demeaning. I just want her to be happy during her last years. What can I do to help her?
and they may further issue
Tell him the doctor arranged a medical for your mum due to her age and medical conditions and it’s legal and they will be coming on xx day
If he makes a fuss say they will legally put you both into care if you act irresponsible and that’s Tge law at his age
then .. follow on the recommendations
your mother is now vulnerable
lots of elderly people don’t want people in their house but when they get a good one they see the benefits and look forward to their. Idiots and chats ( and help!)
Yes, you need to sit them both down and remind them of their difficult health problems. Then ask them what they plan to do about it? I would tell them the reason you are asking is that you work full time and have a young child to raise.
It's not fair to your own child to loose time with her own Mom when you have to always babysit your Mother constantly.
You can show them how to arrange food delivery, meds delivery, and Mom doesn't need to go with Husband to his doctor visits. She is no help from her memory loss.
At their ages, they need to make a plan. Mom needs her Primary Doctor to refer her to a Neurologist for evaluation. Her Husband already knows his days are limited.
They should have Wills and Advance Directives in place ALREADY. For example, who will be taking care of Mom after he goes? Get some brochures from nearby Memory Care facilities and Hospice. Plus Advance Directive Forms printed.
Or make them both a elder lawyer appt. and have a list of things needed. Go with them both and take notes. Good luck with this!
both. You would like to have more quality time with them both. Ask if he would meet with a social worker about a facility for them both. Tell him it would allow you the time to spend with them. His fear is likely having her removed from him. It is okay for him to complain about fatigue. Just as a new Mom loves her baby is allowed to also complain. Reassure him that you would like his input. He will enjoy her so much more without responsibility of her care.
You can only help her if she wants your help, or, if she is unable to make her own decisions due to cognitive impairment and you have POA.
Can you convince them both to move into an assisted living community? There, they could be together and get the cares they need. Maybe stop doing so much for them. You are only feeding their delusion of independence.
Your only other option is if you see that her husband is unable to adequately provide care for her, or she is in dangerous or unlivable conditions, you could call APS and have them investigate.
If not this is her husbands decision.
Have you discussed both of them moving to Assisted Living facility where they will both get help when and if they need it. If you have not mentioned this do so and see what his response is. Set up a few tours so he can see what it is like. (I suggest any one that you do tour make sure they have a Memory Care unit so that you would not have to move mom when he is unable to fully care for her or when the facility can no longer safely help)
If he is resistant to this suggestion then you may have to step in.
this will not be pleasant though.
You can report them to APS as 2 vulnerable seniors that are unable to safely manage their care.
What you might want to do is stop or call your local Senior Center or your local Area Agency on Aging and discuss the situation and explain you are worried about both.
They may do a "wellness" check and see the situation.
they may have programs that might help but if he is resistant to help it may result in you having to assume Guardianship and place your mom where she will be safe. That could be a MC facility or if you are able to safely care for her you could bring her to your home. Please do know it is not easy. It gets more difficult and to have to move your mom after 6, 8 months when you realize this is more than you can manage will do her a disservice.
Let me speak to you as a person with decades of experience as a homecare worker and a homecare business owner. I've seen every family dynamic there is. Many kind-hearted, loving people like you want to do right by their needy, elderly loved one so they take them into their home. Often times daughters imagine the living situation will be like Dorothy and Sofia on 'The Golden Girls'. Believe me when I tell you, it NEVER is. I've seen many once happy homes broken up because a needy elder with dementia gets moved in because they need care. I've seen childhoods ruined, and many once loving and happy marriages ending in the divorce court because of it.
You say your mom is 85 so I'm going to assume you're probably at least in your 50's. You also have a 7 year-old child to raise. Add your stubborn, demented mother with multiple health problems into your home. Here's what will happen. You will get caregiver burnout very fast. Then you will grow to resent and even hate your mother. You will suffer, the child you're raising will suffer, and so will your mother. Don't do this. Help her husband find a care facility that can meet both of their needs. Your house isn't it. Good luck.
i’m sorry you’re in this stressful sandwich-generation situation and hope you can work out a solution.
If your Mom is willing, you can take her out of the home and situate her elsewhere. I do NOT recommend you have her live with you. If you think you're busy with her needs now, her being in your home as she gets progressively worse will eat up every available minute and burn you out. You won't be able to make her happy because dementia will prevent this. Also, you are not responsible for her happiness. You can help her to be as peaceful and pain-free as possible.
You and your daughter are the priority. This doesn't mean you don't love your Mom very much, but please stop romanticizing her living with you. Please read the copious number of posts on this forum from loving, well-meaning adult children who thought that moving a parent in with them would be a logical idea. They are now desperate burned-out people.
Get your Mom to assign you as her durable PoA for medical and financial if you want to have some control over her care. Then get her assessed for LTC in a good, local facility that accepts Medicaid. Between Medicaid and her SSI, it will cover the medical and custodial cost of her LTC if/when she qualifies.
If they have no money, Medicaid will pay. If they have assets, they can be split, her split going to her care. When almost gone, Medicaid is applied for.
Does her husband have kids of his own? If so, maybe time for them to take over Dads care. If you had no relationship with him, you should not be the one worrying about him.
Do you have POA for Mom? If you do you can place her. If not, I would call APS and have them evaluate the situation. Maybe the State can take over his care and Moms too if you don't have POA.