My mom is 86 with dementia. Doesn't want to drink. At all!

Our pastor came to the hospital when my dad could no longer process foods. Pastor said to mom and me, "Are you prolonging death or are you prolonging life?" That puts things in perspective. The hospital assured us dad was indeed dying and we could prolong suffering, but not prolong life. We didn't do an IV. He died within days.

I remember sitting in the ER waiting room, watching the clock tick, knowing that my mother-in-law was in the back with bruised arms from fighting the IV, and asking myself the exact same question. She had stopped drinking, stopped eating, and every few weeks we would rush her to the hospital for fluids, only to have her come back weaker, more confused, and covered in bruises. The cycle was exhausting and cruel. I finally had a conversation with her hospice nurse that changed everything. She said "at this point, you're not prolonging her life, you're prolonging her suffering." The hospital visits were traumatic, the IVs were painful, and the hydration was only temporary. Within days, she would be dehydrated again. The nurse explained that in late stage dementia, the body begins to shut down, and the loss of thirst and hunger is a natural part of that process. Forcing fluids through an IV doesn't stop the shutdown, it just delays it, and it causes unnecessary distress. She told me that the kindest thing I could do was to stop the hospital visits and focus on comfort care. Keep her mouth moist with sponges, offer sips of water even if she refused, and let her body do what it was going to do. It was the hardest decision I ever made, but it was the right one.

When I was struggling with this decision, feeling like I was giving up on her, I spoke with the palliative care doctor who recommended a book that helped me see things clearly. The name of the book is WALKING THROUGH MEMORY'S FOG BY MARIA SANTOS (Available on Amazon). The chapter on end-of-life care and artificial hydration explained that in late stage dementia, IV fluids do not improve quality of life and may actually cause more harm than good. They can lead to fluid overload, which causes swelling and difficulty breathing, and they often require restraints, which cause distress and bruising. The book gave me the language to talk to the doctors, to say "I want to focus on comfort, not on prolonging life." It also addressed the guilt I was feeling, the sense that I was somehow abandoning her, and gave me permission to let go. I loved how the book didn't just give medical advice, it gave emotional support, and it helped me see that letting her go peacefully was the most loving thing I could do.

You are not a bad person for asking these questions. You are a loving daughter who is trying to do the right thing in an impossible situation. The hospital visits are traumatic for her and for you. The bruises on her arms are a sign that her body is fighting against the very thing that is supposed to help her. At some point, you have to ask yourself, are we doing this for her, or are we doing this for us? If her quality of life is not great, and the interventions are only causing more suffering, then it may be time to stop. Hospice can keep her comfortable without the IVs, without the restraints, without the trauma. They can keep her mouth moist, manage her pain, and let her go in peace. I know this is the hardest decision you will ever make, but please know that you are not alone. So many of us have stood where you are standing, and we have chosen to let go. If you want guidance and reassurance, please check out that book. It helped me find the courage to make the right choice, and I believe it will help you too. Sending you so much strength and holding you in my thoughts ❤️.

Dementia is a fatal disease. It could be exactly why she’s not eating and drinking

Your mother is dying. Hospice knows that. Since she's already in their care, let them follow hospice protocol, which will keep her comfortable. Why torture her with hospital visits and all the things modern medicine has dreamed up to avoid the inevitable? If I were your mom and in her condition, I would want to be allowed to leave this world as peacefully as possible. In fact, I have made that clear in my instructions to my children and with legal documents.

Your last kind act to your mom would be to let her escape her failing body, and I wish you peace so that you can make that loving decision for her now.

I feel like i am making this huge decision about her life and i don't know how to make it.

Get mom a hospice evaluation stat, that's my suggestion. Bringing the poor soul back and forth to the ER is torture. Allow hospice to keep her comfortable now. They were wonderful with my mother who also had advanced dementia.

I'm sorry you're going through this and wish you good luck and Godspeed with a difficult situation.