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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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My mother has always been hypercritical and judgemental. I noticed it has gotten much worse since the dementia. It's hard as her caregiver because to spend time with her means I have to listen to her complain and put down everything and everyone. It's mentally exhausting. What are some ways I can steer the conversations away when it becomes too much? I want so much to make her remaining years positive and memorable, but I can't break her from the constant negativity.
What you're describing is one of the most emotionally draining experiences in dementia caregiving, and one of the least talked about. Everyone prepares families for the memory loss. Almost nobody prepares them for the personality amplification. Dementia has a cruel way of turning up the volume on whatever was already there. A few things that genuinely help: Stop trying to redirect the content and redirect the sensory experience instead. When the negativity spiral starts, change the physical environment. Stand up. Suggest moving to another room. Turn on soft music. Offer something warm to hold or drink. The brain in dementia is heavily sensory and a physical shift can interrupt a thought loop that words never will. Don't engage with the criticism directly. You cannot reason or reassure your way out of it and trying to do so often intensifies it. Instead of responding to what she's saying, respond to the emotion underneath it. "That sounds really frustrating mom" acknowledges her without feeding the content. Find the window. Almost every person with dementia has a time of day when they are calmer, warmer, more themselves. For many it's mid-morning after breakfast and before the afternoon fatigue sets in. That is your window for the meaningful moments you're looking for. Don't try to force connection during the difficult hours, protect the good window fiercely. Give yourself permission to mentally step back during the hard moments. You are her caregiver. You are not required to absorb every word as if it is the truth about you. It isn't. It is the disease. The fact that you want her remaining years to be positive and memorable despite how difficult she is being, that tells me everything about the kind of daughter you are. She is lucky to have you even if she cannot show it right now.
What is your situation with her? Do you live together, or do you go over to help her, how often? Can she afford to pay someone, so that you don't have to be subjected to her misery? It's possible that medications could calm her down, but if she's always been this way, that might be limited or not appropriate. But frankly, if she's always been this way, she doesn't really deserve to have you ruining your time by spending it with her.
You navigate your moms negativity by walking out of the room/house when she starts in with her complaining telling her that you'll be back when she can be more pleasant. Your mom will never change, so you must be the one to learn to just walk away, as you matter too in this caregiving situation.
You can't break your mother of a lifetime habit of complaining and negativity. My mother was the exact same way. And once the dementia set in, fuggedabouit. She was out of control with hatefulness. But she lived in Assisted Living and then Memory Care, so I was able to limit the amount of time I spent with her, both in person and on the phone. There's only SO much we can take.
You can try to redirect your mother when she starts with the complaining. My mother wouldn't have it. She'd be redirected for a minute or two, then go right back to carrying on. If I told her to please STOP complaining, well SHE wasn't complaining, she was JUST TALKING and I was always against her. And so it went, until I would have to leave for the arguing.
Nothing you do can fix your mother or make her happy. It's too late for happy. As long as she's in no danger, fed and clean, she's doing as well as can be expected. Change your expectations by lowering them, and focus on YOUR mental health now. You matter too.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
A few things that genuinely help:
Stop trying to redirect the content and redirect the sensory experience instead. When the negativity spiral starts, change the physical environment. Stand up. Suggest moving to another room. Turn on soft music. Offer something warm to hold or drink. The brain in dementia is heavily sensory and a physical shift can interrupt a thought loop that words never will.
Don't engage with the criticism directly. You cannot reason or reassure your way out of it and trying to do so often intensifies it. Instead of responding to what she's saying, respond to the emotion underneath it. "That sounds really frustrating mom" acknowledges her without feeding the content.
Find the window. Almost every person with dementia has a time of day when they are calmer, warmer, more themselves. For many it's mid-morning after breakfast and before the afternoon fatigue sets in. That is your window for the meaningful moments you're looking for. Don't try to force connection during the difficult hours, protect the good window fiercely.
Give yourself permission to mentally step back during the hard moments. You are her caregiver. You are not required to absorb every word as if it is the truth about you. It isn't. It is the disease.
The fact that you want her remaining years to be positive and memorable despite how difficult she is being, that tells me everything about the kind of daughter you are. She is lucky to have you even if she cannot show it right now.
Your mom will never change, so you must be the one to learn to just walk away, as you matter too in this caregiving situation.
You can try to redirect your mother when she starts with the complaining. My mother wouldn't have it. She'd be redirected for a minute or two, then go right back to carrying on. If I told her to please STOP complaining, well SHE wasn't complaining, she was JUST TALKING and I was always against her. And so it went, until I would have to leave for the arguing.
Nothing you do can fix your mother or make her happy. It's too late for happy. As long as she's in no danger, fed and clean, she's doing as well as can be expected. Change your expectations by lowering them, and focus on YOUR mental health now. You matter too.
Best of luck to you.