I moved from across the country as a new widow to help my aging parents 9 years ago. I have no siblings or cousins, no aunts or uncles. Two years ago I moved next door to help with my father who had dementia. This past summer he moved to memory care, had a fall, and died at 95.
My 92-year-old mother now wants to move in with me to save money. She helps me with some bills, as I stopped working to be a caregiver.
I live in a 1,500 square foot condo and know that her routine and preferences would take priority over mine. I don’t want to sacrifice my home and life for her “saving money.”
I help with her numerous medications, shopping, take her to doctor appointments, take care of household repair and maintenance, manage her bills and finances. She currently uses a walker and can slowly complete ADLs on her own. She’s becoming forgetful but this isn’t dementia.
We have always had a combative relationship as our communication styles, world perspectives are wildly different. That’s being charitable.
Whatever reason I give for her not moving in, she has an reason that it would work. When I say that I prefer living alone, we would be on top of each other, I have my own lifestyle, she feels hurt that I don’t want her.
My mother doesn’t want to go to the senior center for socializing, or have an aide for companionship, or move to assisted living. Again she has a reason for refusing every suggestion.
I don’t know what else to tell her because no matter what I say, she becomes hurt and angry that I don’t want her. Which is the truth. My sacrifice of “helping for 9 years has been quite enough without total loss of the boundaries I currently have.
Good Luck! I hope you make the righty decision.
Big mistake!!!! We have a Florida condo and are now stuck in PA. I'm at my wits end. It sounds cruel, but don't do it! I truly don't know what the answer is for either of us.
Bless you!
I know your mom will be disappointed but you have to have your own life. I have only recently realized how my mother is sucking the life out of me. So glad she doesn't live with me. Stand your ground!
If you can not pay all your bills doing what you are doing now you need to get a job so you can support yourself fully. (even if this means selling the condo you have and downsizing to a smaller one that you can fully afford)
If your condo has 2 bedrooms and both have full access to bathrooms it might be possible.
If your main bedroom has an "ensuite" bathroom I would not give that up for someone but you might have to if your main bathroom has a walk in shower and the other does not. That means you are giving up your main bedroom to your mom.
Stick to your conviction, don't let mom move in.
Sorry to say but when the inevitable happens and she falls and is taken to the hospital you have to repeat the following:
"She can not be discharged to home as it is unsafe"
Concentrate on yourself.
You have to get a job that will support you
You have to build your life
What happens to YOU if she become bedbound?
What happens to Mom if YOU get ill or are hospitalized?
Is Mom willing or able to help equally with household chores, pay an equal share of ALL expenses, pay for all her personal expenses?
Is Mom willing to sign to a written agreement detailing who does what and who pays for it?
Is Mom just looking for someone to do all the work and be her personal servant?
Sorry Mom, No is a complete sentence.