Mom had a stroke and has some cognitive impairment but is mostly all there but not sharp like before the stroke. She has some issues with executive functioning and memory loss but not severe. We aren't sure yet if it is permanent. She's seven weeks out from the stroke. This AL facility was only one to allow them to be together. Prior to her stroke she still did a lot, drove, ordered supplies, got groceries, went to library, and helped care for Dad along with having caretakers morning and night and myself helping on weekends and some evenings. Now I have to supervise and help both of them almost all day. She's not bad enough to be in MC and would be depressed in there. He doesn't wander as can barely stand up or walk a little. We didn't want them separated and this AL facility assured us they could take care of both in their AL rooms. But I find myself there all day to assist with one thing or another. I don't know how I can go back to work and leave them alone with just a call button. I hired one of their caretakers to come in several evenings 5-8pm and pay for highest level of care for both of them but we are used to them having that one on one care at home which a facility can't provide. I can hire more helpers to come also in the mornings but most of the time they are just sitting around as the aides at facility do most of the hard work. My three siblings all live on the other side of the country and everyone works and can't fly back and forth to help me out. Feeling overwhelmed. I do companion help, help with their laundry, pay all the bills now, manage their house they left behind, review their medications (sometimes have been wrong). Fetch glasses, toothbrush, clothes from the other room, help put on tv and dvd player etc etc all day. The relief when the caretaker came last night was huge. I can't keep this up every day but I don't see an alternative yet. They just entered the facility a week ago and it's a huge adjustment from their home and I have that emotional stress too from them and also myself. We considered and tried for awhile 24/7 at home but cost is prohibitive and did not trust a caretaker could do all for both alone without me being there all day and night too. Cost is an issue as they do not have huge savings and can last about two years in AL before we have to sell the house. It all happened so fast. Before Thanksgiving it was hard with just my Dad's care but do-able. Now with Mom not firing on all cylinders and needing recovery it is way harder and I wonder why I thought it was hard when it was just my Dad. They are 91 and 95 1/2.
You can't continue at this pace. Back off and do what only you can do like the the bill paying. List activities for the hired help. Could they check medications? This is a change and your parents won't get the same attention you gave to them at home, but it is about getting their needs met, and keeping them safe. Not all their wants will be filled. That's life. It's also about getting your needs met. You need to keep yourself healthy.
I agree that the staff there will not do things if they see you doing them. Let go of trying to do it all.
Be aware, although it is not ideal in some ways, they may need to be in separate facilities. As we age and develop more and more health conditions, our choices become more and more limited. Sometimes it's a choice between bad and worse, not good and better. It's a shame, but it's a reality most of us will face at some point. As Bette Davis said, "Old age is not for sissies." Neither is caregiving. You have to be tough for both them and you.
I'm not sure why you want to buy your parents' home. If it's so they have somewhere to return to, I think that ship has sailed. Just sell it and use the money for their care and their growing needs, as well as for your release from constant care duties.
It isn't just your parents' lives which have diminished, but yours too. They've had their lives; now, it's time to live yours.
You can't make everything perfect for your parents. Sometimes, they'll be stuck watching something they're not interested in because they can't work out how to use the remote, or they'll not have exactly the meal they want because they didn't state a preference. Little things don't matter - just that they are safe.
You can't be there all the time. Either this is the wrong place, or you need to hire extra help throughout the day, using money from the sale of their house. You shouldn't be there all the time.
As my sister once said "letting auntie live alone and make decisions because she sometimes has good days is like letting drunks drive because they sometimes make it home."
If you want to help others giving individuals an opportunity to purchase first you can have an estate sale or auction or both. If they have a large number of possessions it might take 2 different events. Then put the house up for sale. Again I'm suggesting this for anything you or your siblings do not want to keep or your parents won't need. Something will have to be done with it someday anyways. My as well be able to use the money to help care for them and yourself.
If you need a fast sell on the house/property I wouldn't do a reverse mortgage to get rid of the home. If a fast sale is necessary You'd be better off contacting one of those individuals or companies that buy homes in any condition. See what they offer you. They typically pay all closing costs and take care of the paperwork etc.
To get the most money I would try to sell it myself. Advertising it for sale at the sales or auctions for the other possessions. Then running an ad, putting a sign up in the yard. Then if no luck after a certain number of months you cam list with a realtor. You can also auction it at an estate sale or auction starting the bid at the lowest price your willing to take for the home keeping in mind any costs. Your first step is going to be an appraisal no matter which way you go. I would definitely start with the possessions inside. Otherwise your going to have a house full of furniture and belongings with no place to put them or the extra expenses of a storage unit and costs of moving trucks etc to move it. Anything left over you Can donate to goodwill, salvation army etc but I'd start with homeless and womens shelters, teen homes, halfway houses and places like that that seem to be more available for the needy. Especially coats but some will take furniture pieces too when helping people get off streets to a home like HUD. Or the teen shelters etc. And your parents can know that they helped those in need too while helping themselves.
Certainly in your case this is required because you BOTH --you ALL --have formed habits that must be broken.
Speak with administration how best to accomplish this.
There will be no solutions as long as YOU are all the solutions.