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Walk away! Obviously she will never appreciate what you do. My mom is almost as bad, I spend as little time by her as I can
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Going through something similar I need answers also I am here to take care of her there is no one else to help. This gradually getting worse. I will be checking back for comments. I am really confused and don't know what else to do. Hope your situation gets better.
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MiaMoor Jan 2025
Do everything you can to move your mum into a facility. You should not be providing hands on care if she is nasty to you.
If you are managing her care, rather than doing it yourself, don't visit any more than is necessary.
Make yourself and your own family your priority.
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Please do NOT move her in with you. She will be gone some day, and then so will your husband....because of her. Even if he doesn't leave, it will be too stressful on you and your marriage and will change things for the worse irrevocably. If you are set on helping her, do it from afar, and don't invest yourself (mentally) in to it so that it makes you sick.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through.
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Smoochez65: Do not enable a toxic mother.
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BurntCaregiver Jan 2025
Well said, Llama.
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Your mother is jealous of your marriage and has probably been trying to sabotage it for as long as you've been married.

Please for your family's sake and your own, heed the good advice you're being given here and don't enable your toxic mother. Under no circumstances should you allow her to move in with you.

Yes, your mother is old and she is sick. Being old and sick does not give a person a free pass to be an abusive a$$hole to the people who do for them and you need to let your mother know that you will not be verbally abused and treated disrespectfully by her. Nor will you tolerate her treating your husband this way.

If your mother's care needs require she be moved into a nursing home, agree to help her be moved to one. Don't you allow her to move in with you. Don't ruin your life, your marriage, and your family by moving a toxic, abusive ingrate into your home. Don't do it.
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Sorry but your mother should see a professional for her inexcusable nasty behavior and jealous disrespect for your spouse. Stop seeing her until she straightens up her mind, perhaps never again!

I want to tell you what I went through with my late mother’s mental problems. When my mother was no longer able to care for herself in our CA condo, nor able to return back to our home from a board and care, she wrote a nasty letter to me threatening to through me out at age 93. It was then that my brother and his wife moved her up to OR in an AL near were they live. She received counseling from an ombudsman. From then on her health went downhill and died two years later in humane comfort. I had three weeks visit to say Goodbye to her.
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BurntCaregiver Jan 2025
@Patathome

You've got to love the threats to throw you out of your own property. My mother tries to make threats about "her" house which is not hers anymore when she doesn't get her own way about something or is looking for a fight. We just ignore her.
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Wow, her refusal to live with you is a BLESSING. Imagine that vitriol in your home, 24/7. Sorry she has such a mean streak and it doesn’t sound new. Please limit your exposure.
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It’s very hard, but for your own sanity and peace of mind, you may have to distance a bit from your Mom and her sisters. Don’t take on guilt because of the need for self preservation. Realize you deserve to enjoy your life too. Do what you can, but realize to them, it will never be enough .
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I get where you are coming from in wanting to do the right thing because she is your mom. It is right to want to honor your parents, but that doesn't mean you need to stay in a toxic relationship with them. In this case, it sounds like to honor her best is to give her what she wants, meaning a distant relationship with you. She has made it clear she has no intention of living with or near you, which to me sounds like a gift. You and your husband have made the effort to care for her and she has rejected you both at every turn. For her to suggest you leave him to come care for her is the epitome of selfishness and you do not have to subject yourself to that kind of abuse, yes abuse, any more. I think a phone call once in a while, on your terms, is fine to let her know you care for her, but when the bashing begins, the phone call is over. If you want to maintain contact, perhaps even writing letters would be emotionally safer for you. You can only love someone so far as they will allow you. If she is abusive like this, you are allowed to draw a boundary that will not permit her to continue that behavior and you need not have any guilt about it. She has chosen to act this way and now she will feel the consequences of her behavior.
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I think we want people to be as we think they should be and not how they really are. She’s shown you her true colors. Care for her from afar.
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