During that short time, she now has diagnosed dementia, and a very rapid progression. Of course I tried to be caregiver, but we're both 82 and I've been caregiver to three (3) past wives, all of whom passed away.
I just don't feel the compassion now that I did with my first wife of 38 years. In all honesty, I truly believe the familky knew something was wrong. Compassion aside, financial care is demanding. If we can't get her on medicaid, the costs are a minimum of $5000 per month for a nursing home. Her son owns an HVAC business, says he is doing very well, and offered $800 per month towards her care. Her daughter is married to another lady who demanded that Mama move out of their house and the only place she had to go was with me. Am I a terrible person for being adverse to spending my kids' inheritance that I've saved for them for years? Am I a terrible person for not wanting to be full time caregiver again for my spouse of 16 months? My first marriage was 38 years, #2, 5 years, #3, 6 years. Am I a terrible person for being a little adverse to "footing the bill" for #4? And by the way, we only married because she insisted she could not move in with me without holy matrimony. Our marriage is merely one of perceived necessity, not love and romance.
See an Elder Law attorney ASAP. He or she will advise you on how to finance the care your wife clearly needs, including what is necessary for her to qualify for Medicaid, if appropriate, and whether it would be advisable, within the context of the finances, to stay married, get divorced, or seek an annulment.
It's your life and you are free to do what you want. Your wife deserves to be cared for appropriately, in a facility if necessary. But please don't blame her family. Her children need their money for their own family situations and to save for their own retirements and future care. They weren't and aren't obligated to have their mother live with them.
You did not have to agree to marry someone you didn't know well enough to detect that she has dementia. However, you did. The sooner you stop moping and blaming and get good legal advice on where to go from here, the sooner you and your wife can move forward in your lives, whether together or separately.
Now you come to a forum of strangers asking if you're a terrible person for marrying her out of necessity but not wanting to spend your kids inheritance on her or care for her yourself? You are certainly not winning the Man of the Year award for 2025, thats for sure. You have to live with yourself moving forward, not with opinions from strangers.
Stop already with marrying women now, ok?
Divorced twice . His third wife of 35 years died a year ago after a tough battle with cancer . He was so distraught at her funeral . Said she was the love of his life .
Six months later dating . He acts like a giddy teenager . He’s different now . Says he’s not cut out to be single . He’s going to spend the winter with his girlfriend in Florida and if all goes well sell his house to be with the girlfriend . He hasn’t said if he would get married this time .
On this post I mentioned that OP does not respond to the other similar posts he has made.
My only suggestion, place her. If she married you with money of her own, use it for her care. If she has no money than file for Medicaid longterm. You must see an Elder Lawyer. There is a form for Medicaid that you refuse to support your wife (something like that) when having her put on Medicaid. I would check out annulment. IMO, she was showing signs of Dementia before you were married.
Your not a terrible person. At that age there are no guarentees that the other person will not have some type of health problem you will need to deal with. Want to save your childrens inheritance, stop getting married. Just date. Thats what my Uncle did. He had a woman friend who he dated. They traveled together but he had his house and she had hers.
See an attorney to discuss nullification or divorce procedure options. Let family know this is your intent.
Good luck.
You are a person who made a dire mistake. That can happen in marriage at 18 or 88. So now you must find your options and address the situation.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-do-i-deal-with-such-an-emotional-situation-493700.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/my-wife-and-i-are-both-81-we-married-june-2024-and-within-a-few-weeks-i-noticed-symptoms-of-dementia-493333.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/i-received-lots-of-response-to-my-question-493704.htm
Also another post in May and you got 16 responses to your post
(I do not know how to link those with this current post)
I think after reading those responses and these it is time you see an Elder Care Attorney.
Perhaps you can get a marriage annulment ??? , IDK , I’m not a lawyer , but it’s worth going to a lawyer and see if they have any ideas to help you.
At your age , I’m a bit surprised you would marry a 4th time and take the risk of being a caregiver again, especially when no love is involved. You are not a terrible person . You were too nice taking this woman in , and now it’s causing you problems . You may have been taken advantage of by this family as well.
What does that mean?
Who's perception and who's necessity?
Were marriages #2 and #3 also out of "necessity"? Or is #4 the only unlucky one where you weren't in it for "love and romance"?
If the shoe were on the other foot, and she was writing this post, writing the things you wrote, would it make her a terrible person?