My mother is in a nursing home in another state. I am on the phone with her doctors, nurses etc constantly making sure she is getting good care. I have a brother that lives in the same town that does absolutely nothing to help her and asks her for money when he does visit. I call or visit her as often as possible and take are of all her legal needs, spending my own money.. My mother is finally seeing the effort I put into this and is finally thankful. I have an older sister that never calls and an older brother that does nothing but his wife has been very helpful, so in reality the entire care falls on my shoulders.. I'm at peace with this and will enjoy my mother until the end. I just gave her a huge 90th birthday party and she was so grateful..
Now the problem is my neighbor. She is an elderly woman going on 84. When she first moved in I helped her with everything she needed, fix her hair, take her to the doctors, listen to her endless stories that went on and on. She has a grown son living with her that works all day.. He is almost 60, never has been married and just goes to work and Church. I'm positive he does nothing when he gets home. My neighbor asks my husband and me to do things for her because 'her son is too busy studying his Bible'. My husband and I both work full time. I work from my home. I am also a crisis minister and have a passion for helping others. My neighbor drives me bat ass crazy....Calling my home constantly or when I go outside wanting to talk constantly, I can't take my trash out or work in the front yard without her coming out and demanding I speak with her. She is not that interesting and bores me to tears. If she see's my light on in my office she will call early in the morning and demand I give her attention. I work on my computer and she will say 'get off that computer'. She has to know what I do all day and where I go and is upset that I did not check in with her while I was out of town. My spirit hurts because I am a compassionate giving person but this woman is driving me insane to the point I want to move. I have told her I can't talk with her everyday, how can I make this madness stop without being ugly. It has given me much grief.
Hugs, too...and I know how this sucks; I sense that having to be firm and a little unpleasant with others to set the appropriate limits is not the sort of thing either of us relishes doing, at all, let alone doing AGAIN. Give me a choice and I'll be the soft-hearted good cop every time, but push me to the wall, and I can usually do what needs done, but I'll hate every minute of it.
Have you considered putting a "Please do not disturb" sign on the front door during office hours? You never know, they might read it. Well, they ***might***...
My family knows I work pretty much non-stop all week long, even on the weekends, so they know if I say I'm busy, I'm not kidding. (Unfortunately, that doesn't trigger any "help" response in them, so I don't get any help with Mom, because they figure I'm here all the time anyway, I can take care of her without help, apparently.) We don't have nosy neighbors, thankfully, but we do have door-to-door salesmen, politicians and religious organizations that apparently can't read. I have a small, unobtrusive "no soliciting" sign on the door - but I guess it needs to be bigger. I used to open the door and politely listen to their spiel before telling them I wasn't interested and getting them to leave. Then I realized it was taking up too much of my work time to be polite. Now I let the sign (and the huge, raging, barking dog attacking the door) talk for me. If they don't get THAT message, then I open the door and tell them to READ THE SIGN. Still doesn't always work, believe it or not - especially with politicians.
You may have to resort to being almost rude to get your point across. It's not in my nature to be that way, and I'm sure it's not in yours, but you are going to have to do *something* to stop this - your posts make it very apparent that this is not a healthy situation for YOU, let alone your neighbors. They need to find something or someone else to obssess over. It's not healthy for them to be obssessing over you, and you need to stop allowing it. Stop all communication with them, don't answer the door or the phone when you know it's them - ever - and eventually they *might* stop. Every time you allow them back into your life, they simply ramp right back up again, and that's how it's going to be forever, until you put a stop to it. Regardless of OCD or whatever other illness they may have going on, they have no right to know your every movement. It's an invasion of privacy.
Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I've learned that working from home means people think you are available 24/7 to do their bidding or visit or whatever - you have to grow a shell around yourself in order to protect your privacy sometimes.
I have been rude to my neighbor and it seem to hurt me more since that is not my true character. It makes me sad that I am being pushed to act nasty and that is not who I am as a person. I so wish they had something or someone in their life to occupy their time. And I agree 2000% that they are invading my privacy. If I look at it as a severe illness it makes it a bit easier and in reality it is illness. Tonight I will ask my husband to stop telling them my business so they can't keep tabs on me anymore. The sad part is that we live in a large city and I really need my neighbors to keep an eye on my home and know a little bit about my schedule so we can help each other out. There is an invisible current that I feel around them where they suck the ever lasting life out of me, even just standing close to them I can feel it. I am actually wore out when I see them or hear their voices. Around my friends I am an open book, I am not secretive about anything and I live authentic.. This is a new lifestyle for me but I really have no other choice than to be secretive and avoiding.. I stay busy all the time I work hard in the yard.. My neighbor has found an in with me and that is through the work I do for the community. She just does not get why I would volunteer my hours and not come over to her home and be her slave.. I will say this again, if she was nice or kind or fun I would make some time but she is none of that.. I was raised with a grandmother that was filled with love and kindness and complete trust in God. She was laid back and sweet. It is hard for me to be around anyone no matter what their age if they are up tight, nervous, rude or what ever.. And they are my neighbors.... My own mother age 90 has taken a downward move and not doing so well. I will visit her in a short few weeks. When she passes I do not want my neighbor to know this, all it means to her is that I have all that time to take care of her needs.. I am at peace with my mother and if she is ready to go she is ready. It may not be for several years but her and my slate is clean.
Why do you think you OWE them time and attention? They clearly have no consideration for you. They may have mental issues. Fine. But it's not your circus and not your monkey. Let the professionals deal with them. They're living where they are by a fluke of circumstance. You don't owe them anything, other than to keep your home and yard in good repair and to report anything odd/unusual to the police. You don't owe them mental health counseling or tender loving care. Say "hi" with one breath and "bye" with the next. You just need to be consistent.
Can't you block her number? You can buy call blocker devices if your phone won't let you block it.
1. Tell your husband you want to move because you can't take any more. Start packing a few boxes of knicknacks. Maybe you really don't wan't to and maybe you can't, but make the message clear that this has to stop and it is not just cute or mildly annoying. Maybe you should move if none of the options below are do-able or acceptable to you!
2. Post your house and yard No Trespassing.
3. Take out a restraining order. Give your neighbors a copy of it.
4. Setting limits is not "rude." Write that sentence one hundred times in your very best handwriting or typed in every different font on your computer and post it where you most need to see it.
5. Practice saying "We are not on speaking terms, because you call me too often, disrupt my sleep, and ask too much of me, and I need you to leave me alone now. If you do not leave I will call the police." Document the calls so you have evidence of harassment when you do call the police, because you will undoubtedly have to. Otherwise, it'll be, "why are you calling the police on a little old lady who wants to bring you a piece of pie?"
The alternative is to go ALL the way back to square one and decide that this annoying neighbor deserves a place in your home and your heart, and you will engage fully with her, and maybe try a behavior modification program where every annoying thing she says or does is ignored and only postive upbeat things are accepted; but you will keep her embedded in your life for as long as she lives.
Decide which alternative is correct - in prayer, in consultation with your husband, your pastor, anyone else you can trust, and STOP trying to pursue an ambigous course that is something in between. They are absolutely feeding off of your ambiguity. The older woman in particular is not going to be able to grasp any concept of a middle ground of brief civil contact and nothing more. Boundaries are beyond her grasp. You have probably looked down on people or judged them to be cold and selfish who have had to set these kinds of limits, but now you understand.
No more wishy-washy. Pick a path. Stay on it!
I believe in the after life and even though I know I am protected by God and my son's spirit I do not want this woman to try to haunt me. I promise she will be a restless ghost. A poltergeist.
I talked it over with my husband and he said he will not give the woman or her son any more information about my schedule and that should help a lot. I will continue to be cordial to her and her son because it pains me too much to not be at least cordial. I did read the Amish Way of shunning and I did read a lot about how to get along with difficult people and how to treat them in a business type manner. When ever someone treats or talks to me in a business like matter and we are not in a business situation it always tells me that they are not wanting to be close or my friend.
I remember always treat others how you want to be treated.
I will keep telling my neighbor no politely. I will keep avoiding her. I have already told her I can't do all she asks and I will just continue in a kind business like manner. I know there is dementia in her and other things and I will pray for her. I know the situation is sick and has caused me gigantic grief and even though she is an ass to me I do not have it in me to be an ass back. I will continue to be kind and to just say no to what ever I need to. And I will in the mean time pray that I have patience and guidance from God above and I will pray hard that she will find a place to go that can feel her needs.
As I pass her house and see her light on in her house and know she is alone, it bothers me because I do not want to see anyone alone or scared. Please God send this woman to a place where she is happy and do it soon. I want to thank all of you that have posted comments of suggestions, I read them all and have decided that for my soul the best way is still with kindness.
And, Daughter of 4, the one thing neither of us can do is "fill her needs" !! They CAN make us FEEL them though - very apt typo there. Most of these felt needs are WANTS and not needs anyways. They are inherently insatiable, and both of our "Donkey" people would happily jump at the chance for us or someone like us to adopt them, take care of them, center our world around them in a way that would not be healthy even for our own child, not to mention totally financially supporting their entire family... :-) Love and limits can and should come from the same person, IMHO.
I just got back from visiting my almost 91 year old mother. She is not doing so well. I always include her friends and roommate in our activities so when I get home I want peace and quiet and I do not want to be ordered around by another old person. I am wore out from my mother's demands and care but I love her so much that I can over look a lot of it. I do not want to take on my neighbor today or any day. It is dark and rainy so she can see my office light on from her bedroom and can't believe I won't pick up the phone. I need double curtains! Vstefans I have no idea what rewards would come from me doing this over the long haul? I see no long haul. I just think of last Christmas eve and having her over for dinner and how she made that day so miserable. I noticed her son is gone more often after work, I am sure he can't hardly take it. Out loud prayer Please God send this woman somewhere to where she can feel loved and needed. Anywhere! I still have not worked up the courage to tell her off but my patience are thin after being around my mother and I bet if she pushed me hard enough I could do it and not feel bad.
Your neighbour's behaviour is intrusive and disproportionate. Don't allow your reactions to her to become so. Carry on as you would regardless of her. What's the worst that she can do?
The strongest kind of conditioning known to man is intermittent reinforcement. Which is what you're giving her every time you engage with her. You go long periods of non-engagement and then you engage. And the whole cycle starts over again. You're training her to keep trying, because she knows if she tries long enough and with enough attempts, you will engage with her again. You've done it over and over.
Why does she get a pass because she's an old woman? If she murdered someone, would she be allowed to do that because she's old and lonely? What if she was a 45 year old man doing what she's doing? Would you let that continue? Just because she's lived a longer life and is a woman, I don't see why that should allow her to engage in such destructive behaviors. She's still accountable for her actions.
If it was me, I'd calmly tell her that her continued attempts to contact you - in light of your continued attempts to stop any contact, have moved into the harassing realm and if she calls you, comes into your yard, or knocks on your door, you'll contact the police to get a temporary restraining order against her. And I'd do it. You don't have to be aggressive. You can be calm and reasoned when you tell her that. No need to explain because she won't get it anyway. Or have an attorney send her a letter to that effect. That might scare both her and her son into leaving you alone.
Then do not talk to her anymore. Period. Not a friendly nod. Not a good morning. Nothing. It's terrible to have a neighbor stalking you from h*ll.
Various Church Members Each, a different day...maybe a couple a day...A Literal List Of Things That DO Have To be Done That Maybe the Teens In Your Church Could handle, like raking leaves. Maybe, take it as a compliment. She Wishes YOU Were Her Daughter...........Rally Your Crisis Troops...Help The Lady Out...
The ladies son and I have talked some. He tells me when they are going out of town so I can keep an eye on their home and I told him when we would be out of town so he would keep an eye on my home. The old lady went bonkers when she found out I was leaving out of town, the calling and knocking got so bad that my husband said 'I am willing to move, it really is awful.' She desperately wants me to check in and out with her with every move I made.. I have faced her and told her she was too much for me and it goes over her head, she truly does not understand. Blannie,I have rehearsed your very words and will use them. I believe that she thinks she is being good neighbor wanting to know what is going on in my life. I have had the same neighbors for 30+ years and we talk a little when outside and get caught up on each other's life but I do not get the constant phone calls or knocks on my door. I love open friendly people, I love people stopping over even unannounced but this old lady things are different. She does not want me as her daughter she wants to control me. I do not blame her daughter for moving out of town and I think the son can't take much more since he is gone even more. No matter what the business, I will not engage with her. The only reason I opened that bag of worms was because it was genuine business that I am involved in with our neighborhood, she wormed herself in again with that but I am working even more hard to put the lid on it..Thanks for letting me type out my anguish. It does help and it will come to an end soon.