My mother is in a nursing home in another state. I am on the phone with her doctors, nurses etc constantly making sure she is getting good care. I have a brother that lives in the same town that does absolutely nothing to help her and asks her for money when he does visit. I call or visit her as often as possible and take are of all her legal needs, spending my own money.. My mother is finally seeing the effort I put into this and is finally thankful. I have an older sister that never calls and an older brother that does nothing but his wife has been very helpful, so in reality the entire care falls on my shoulders.. I'm at peace with this and will enjoy my mother until the end. I just gave her a huge 90th birthday party and she was so grateful..
Now the problem is my neighbor. She is an elderly woman going on 84. When she first moved in I helped her with everything she needed, fix her hair, take her to the doctors, listen to her endless stories that went on and on. She has a grown son living with her that works all day.. He is almost 60, never has been married and just goes to work and Church. I'm positive he does nothing when he gets home. My neighbor asks my husband and me to do things for her because 'her son is too busy studying his Bible'. My husband and I both work full time. I work from my home. I am also a crisis minister and have a passion for helping others. My neighbor drives me bat ass crazy....Calling my home constantly or when I go outside wanting to talk constantly, I can't take my trash out or work in the front yard without her coming out and demanding I speak with her. She is not that interesting and bores me to tears. If she see's my light on in my office she will call early in the morning and demand I give her attention. I work on my computer and she will say 'get off that computer'. She has to know what I do all day and where I go and is upset that I did not check in with her while I was out of town. My spirit hurts because I am a compassionate giving person but this woman is driving me insane to the point I want to move. I have told her I can't talk with her everyday, how can I make this madness stop without being ugly. It has given me much grief.
Well, are you going to move, verbally tell her to stay away and then get a restraining order if she doesn't, go ahead and let her under your skin after all, or just quietly go nuts from being a total prisoner in your home and having your whole life revolve around avoiding her??
Does she actually say "YOU WILL NOT IGNORE ME" or is it just her persistence (which is probably either entirely due to or at least or worsened by lack-of-frontal-lobe-function neurologically based perseveration...that might would explain her limited, seemingly shallow spirtuality too)? Can you put your finger on just one thing or a few specific things she does or represents that makes her coming around the most unbearable for you, and devise plans that set limits on those things? Here's hoping it is not just that she is too much like your mother for your comfort while you try again to decide how to handle her. Any of the above choices (except the last one, of course) seem like they might be reasonable and correct to do here. Setting limits does not make you "an a**" in any way... granted, she is a living human person and you can't retaliate and directly harm her, but at the same time, you are not required to let her harm you!! Sorry to hear your own mother is not doing so well!
I feel spiritually worn out with her just knocking on my door.. Just because my office light is on does not give her the right to bug me. I do have to get double shaded curtains so she just does not know what is going on. I do not know anyone that would tolerate being watched as much as she watches me. The only choice I have is to ignore her and I am close to yelling at her like someone suggested. I say that but in real life it is too hard for me to be like that. For now I am ignoring and hope she just goes away. I wish she could find a friend or activity or something anything to do. We do not have anything in common, she is very stuffy, political and boring and I am a left over hippy that loves peace, harmony, fun and I don't care if other people cuss.. The old neighbor went a few weeks and did not bug me and now it is in high gear again. She is plain creepy and so is her son. I wish she thought I was creepy and left me alone..
When you don't answer the door, does she just go away?
answer the door wearing a Halloween mask
answer the door in the nude
don't answer the door and say in your spookiest voice "There's nobody here any more. We've eaten them."
I'm just hoping it might relieve some tension - can you think of any you'd find fun to do?
I will have another talk with her son and tell him that I am dealing with my mother's life, her finances, Doctors etc and I really do not want the load of his mother's care. Even though I love my mother very much her care is all time consuming and she lives in another state. I do something for her everyday. When I get off the phone with her and her doctors I am wore out and do not want to listen to a blow by blow of all what the doctors and nurses said to my neighbor. I need a break from listening to geriatric talk. I feel awful that I can not give more but to protect my own sanity I just can't take on my neighbor. This entire situation has taught me many things and one is to have my own aging process in order for when I get older. Last night my husband said he will fight, yelling and screaming when he has to be put in a nursing home and I said, bring it on, I will gladly go, I see the fun and company my mother has and I hope to find a nursing home as good as the one my mother is in. I have a great time when I visit her and she tells me all the time how grateful she is for all the wonderful people that help her. My mother before she went to the nursing home was a royal pain in the ass and almost ruined her relationship with all of us. When I do visit my mother she is all consuming and demanding and taking. I do love her so I can find the energy to do what ever she wants and I have to talk with her like I did my kids and I have to take a break but when I get home and back to my life I want my freedom and quiet and that is when my 84 year old neighbor comes around with her demands and wanting undivided attention. I have not seen the 84 year olds daughter around for months and she has an adopted daughter that never comes over to see her even though she lives close by. I do feel for the 60 year old son that has the care plus he works all day.
Next step is to talk to the son again and let him know how grieving it has been. He may not have a clue. The only words I can use to describe my 84 year old neighbor are negative words. Intrusive, invasive, controlling, over bearing, rude, racist, and very politically opinionated. And I usually like people that are not the norm.. It was so weird when I felt like my phone was her hospital call button.. Now that she knows I do not answer my phone the calls have really slowed down. When I first met them I knew how how hard the son's job was taking care of his mother in the house alone so I had to problem helping here and there but it got to be an everyday thing with her having to know my every move and it started to feel invasive and intrusive. The constant interruption was awful because it broke my concentration. Since all this has happened I have studied how to be more assertive and I really was when I first told the 84 year old woman that she was being too much for me. I actually told her several times which makes me believe she is very mentally ill. Dealing with a mentally ill person is very stressful, and add on top of that a mentally ill person that is lonesome. Someone on this site asked 'How did this become your problem?' and I thought that was a great question because I have no idea how it became so out of hand and my problem. It is an entire different thing when dealing with mental illness. katiekat2009, the 84 year old woman was married to an insurance salesman, I hope he set her up in assisted living. It was time for her to be there years ago. I have really thought about moving but the bottom line is that she needs to stop the stalking and invading so we all can live happily. Thank you for the replies, it is very healing to type it out and hear other suggestions. I am still working from the heart and trying to get to peace the best way I know how..
And you might get a recording of a loud barking dog that you can trigger when you see her coming to ring your doorbell. And if she complains, just say you have no dog.
1) Fight for your space as aggressively as possible, even though you will go against your nature. If you choose this, don't hold back - make sure you will win. This is hard to do for people compassionate by nature.
2) Don't fight, wait her out, avoid continue as you are - but how much longer can your health really take that? Ongoing stress is still damaging even if you've adapted to it.
3) Move - accept the reality that your peace is more important than any physical location. I let my pride and stubbornness cause me not to choose this option till it was way too late. The constant stress from my intrusive neighbor literally did deep damage to my life because it took away the energy I needed for other critical things. Ask yourself, what is the cost of staying?
I think some of the reason I have been treating this 84 year old woman with kid gloves is because I loved my grandmother so much. My grandmother was the love of my life and when ever anyone was rude to her it hurt me deeply. My 84 year old neighbor is NOT my grandmother, she does not act look or talk like her but somewhere in my head I want to be kind and loving to her and know I can't because she is so F&*^(%^ toxic.
Well, this is one of those situations where a geographic cure might just work - your chances or finding someone else so far "out there" as this one are not that high. She really is extraordinary, unless you are exaggerating.
"My 84 year old neighbor is NOT my grandmother"
Yep. She is also not your responsibility, and if anyone could help her, you are not the one. Let's face it, you find her absolutely hateful! And you have to keep telling us just how out there and just how hateful she is, because otherwise you feel so bad about hating to deal with her! Hate is a very uncomfortable emotion for a normally compassionate and easygoing person. This woman needs love and care, sure, but you ***legitimately*** can't stand her and supplying her with love and care in a non-emergency situation is NOT something you are legitimately called on to do. Somebody thoroughly trained to do it - again NOT YOU- might be called on try to create a behavior plan for her, but success is likely to be limited. Your fence-sitting is not helping her, and it is eating you alive.
No. Just no. "you are being too much for me" is NOT assertive. " I can only talk with you for a one minute and only once a day if it is not an emergency" or "I cannot spend any more time with you, and you have to leave here and go home NOW" is a little more assertive still. "STOP RINGING MY DOORBELL AND LEAVE ME ALONE OR I WILL HAVE TO CALL THE POLICE" is truly assertive. Slapping her in the face would be aggressive and you probalby should not go that far.
I'd send a registered letter (signature required) from your attorney's office that said, "Do not call, do not step foot on our property. Failure to follow these instructions will result in legal action." And then follow through with a temporary restraining order if she comes over or calls any more.
After reading your longer post, I think a part of you was trying to have a relationship with her that is better than your relationship with your equally demanding mother. But she's not your mother. And you don't have to have any relationship with her at all. She's toxic. Get her out of your life.
I think you're one of these types who isn't happy unless they have drama going on.
I haven't read all the comments as there are too many, but someone who allows this to go on for so long, must secretly enjoy the attention.
Yet you take no action. You will be coming up on year soon.
This is something that could have been nipped in the bud a long time ago.
There are posts on here that are very sad and tragic, I know some of them were mine. This is an easy one compared to many situations on here, and yet you do nothing about it.
Sometimes what you are calling "harshness" is needed. Sometimes being more assertive is exactly what is called for.
Sometimes a poster here needs a kick in the butt as well as a pat on the shoulder.
You have been given good advice. You agree that some of it is good, but you just can't bring yourself to apply it. You cannot be "harsh" to someone who is hurting, even though not doing so is severely hurting you, to the point where you are even considering moving.
Do you like drama going on around you? Do you like the attention? If the shoe fits, wear it. If not, if it doesn't apply to you, ignore that comment. But either way, realize that the whole world does not subscribe to the philosophy that one can never say something harsh, even when the situation itself is harsh.
If she comes to the door with your mail, say thank you, then close the door. She will think you are not a nice person, but so what? Put up a privacy fence if you need to. It might get the point across to her.
If she asks you why you are being so mean, tell her the truth. She has made such a pest of herself that she is making your home miserable. Whatever you do, don't stop enjoying your house. Go out in your yard and ignore her. You do not have to pay attention to her. Practice your super-b*tch technique. I know it is uncomfortable with her living right next door, but you gotta do what you gotta do. Block her phone number and stand up for yourself. You don't have to socialize with everyone. I wish you could form a friendly nodding relationship, but that it apparently not something she can do.
Please, let go of that fear that truly asserting yourself and being appropriately firm, if you don't like the word "harsh," is somehow wrong, and if not wrong, beyond your capabilities. Believe me, I know what it is to have to do something outside my comfort zone - way outside - like calling DCFS or telling someone that they are not doing what needs done rather than reassuring that they are doing their best and it will be good enough. In my business (rehab med) and really in most of my life, 98% of the time, people really do need more love and less judgement with reassurance they are doing their best and it will be good enough. But sometimes all kinds of hell breaks forth if you can't recognize and react to that other 2% of the time. This is that time for you - it is beyond your comfort zone, but hopefully not beyond your capabilities. But, if you really can't, is your spouse still around and would he possibly do it for you? (By it, meaning bring out soem legal guns, ask for restraining order, man to man face off with her son, something along those lines?
If you really want to do something good, take action to get her proper care from somebody besides random neighbors.