Do you feel that putting someone in a nursing home is just giving them a place to die in?

It's usually "God's waiting room"

Dear Overwroughtone,

I care for you, and I feel you are truly overwrought. I wish I could win the lottery and send you the money. You need care for yourself, and appreciation for the love in your heart for your sister and mother. marymember

Mary you are truly one of the sweetest people not just on this site, but on the Internet period! If you win that lottery you spend it on you and your family , you and they deserve it, but wow just that you wrote that speaks volumes about the kindness in your heart! God bless you! You make this site what it is supposed to be about having compassion. Your aunt and husband and family and friends are so blessed to have you in their lives! Thank you, you have no idea how much these words you wrote to me, as well as other ones have touched my heart.

Thank you, Overwroughtone,

It helps us all to receive some inspiration.Even though my case is full, so are others. This summer I am dealing with my granddaughter who has been cutting herself and was put in a mental hospital for two weeks.Self mutilation is a way of expressing the anger, agitation and pain she is facing. She is Attention Deficit as well as Oppositional Deficit. She'll be 14 in a month. My son and daughter-in-law adopted her as a new born. The biological mother was on all kinds of drugs during her pregnancy, and most of the problems stem from that. It is such a shame that a mother can ruin her child's life in such a horrible way.
Life doesn't always turn out to be peaches and cream. But we all can be blessed in many ways just the same. Hang in there..marymember

You know Princess Diana, supposedly was a cutter too. Can you read up on techniques used by therapists to stop cuttings and see if they could work with your granddaughter? Perhaps some kind of aversion therapy would work. You could also find pics of people who cut and their scars and also have pics of smooth skin and ask her which way she would prefer to look. Perhaps she could do art instead of cutting, you know transfer her hurt, anger etc onto canvas or clay etc. Or she could take up karate or tai Chi, or even dance to release that bad energy. She needs to b taught how to use her hurt, anger etc in a far less violent and more constructive way.

It sounds like the mother had major issues. I had a friend who loved getting high, but as soon as she found out she was pregnant she stopped all pot, coke, drinking, even cigs. Your granddaughter's mother sounds like she was severely messed up and majorly addicted.At least she did not have AIDS, right? Imagine an innocent child being infected with that,

Oh i know life is not beautiful all the time, I know others have it very bad, my heart breaks for them,. But personally going through tough trials is not easy and it is stressful and can be heartbreaking as well, just as you know.This life here sure is not for the weak.

I agree with CM, write a letter to the doctor and tell her ehat you know. For the record, I seldom talk to the foctor at my mom's skilled nursing home, where she gets excellent care. I speak with her nurses, the Unit Manager who is also an RN, and the social worker. The Nurse Practioners can write prescriptions and consult with the doctor. A nursing home is just that, a place where a chronically but not acutely ill person can be cared for. From your previous posts, it does sound like your sister has several chronic conditions.

Dear Overwroughtone,
There is a book I intend to buy for my granddaughter entitled My Kind of Sad, written by a girl who suffered from mental illness, People who self mutilate do not feel pain when they are cutting themselves. The stress of traumatic memories or emotional pain causes the brain to release chemicals that act as a pain reliever. The physical pain of self-mutilation replaces the emotional pain they are feeling. It's about trying to feel alive..
I will be keeping my granddaughter for a few days. I did buy a woodburning pen which I will be right by her side when she uses it, and it will not be taken home. She can draw pictures on the wood; then burn the picture on the wood, then paint and shellac it. She will be able to do a lot of art work, and even make gifts for others. Thanks Again...marymember

overwroughtone, you are not asking for advice, or the experience of those here who have dealt with similar things. You are only here to rant and rave about how much you hate your nephews because they are not doing what you want them to do. You can go on and on as long as this site allows you to, but I am exhausted by you.

Yes B8 I am going to start work on that letter, I want it to be clear and concise and well thought out. I think i will write it on my own as that I had sent that e-mail to my other sister asking her to contact our crappy nephew to tell him he needs to make sure at the nursing home they are treating my sister's sleep apnea and my sister has not written nor called so I have no idea what is going on there ( she gets very upset about my sister, and about my mother, I try to not write or talk to her too much about them).

My sister has many issues, yes but my nephew chose to not do anything about them, my other sis and her husband took her more than 2 years ago to the Clevelan Clinic see a prominent neurologist, he made many recommendations as well as he sent a letter to that nephew ( he chose not to go , what a slob), but the nephew ignored all recommendations because he thinks he knows everything, he thinks he has great intelligence and wisdom, more than a neurologist who has practiced medicine for over 30 years and studies the brain.

I hope that book really helps your granddaughter Marymember.

That wood-burning pen sounds so cool, and the idea that you paint and shellac the image you made, wow! I want to do that. I paint in acrylics and draw ( though I have not made any art work in a while) but i think i want to try doing that. I bought a set of washable paints for my mother to use, I can give her the easel and paints and canvas or paper to create art and then i can burn wood while she paints. I have seen people throwing out cut wood around here, I wonder if I could burn on those pieces and create art to hang on walls or even make intricately etched wood table tops. I hope your granddaughter will be as excited by the prospect of creating wood art as I am.
You have a great day.

Dana all I have to write to you is pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffft!!!!

Wow. The easy answer escapes me. I see the "walls" above, speaking as only the judgemental ones do. I have been, and am, actually, where you are and I don't see any good options in the future here, either. I've heard til my ears fall off how I should take care of myself. I know you turn off when you hear that, too. Any words after that just fall on deaf ears because the concept is so laughable. Of course, we do take the most magical care of ourselves, don't we? I know there are agencies within our state and local governments that can be contacted with concerns over a loved-ones well-being, whether they have caregivers or family or not. If you have not seen a document giving the nephew full control, it might be a good idea to ask to see it. Of course, then we get into legal means, legal fees, other official matters that can be so confounding. If you live in an area with an Elder Law office or an other senior care agency, like the Area Agency on Aging (which also has legal referrals) you might be able to sort out the ways you could have some voice in your sister's situation. Also, the AAA may have a respite program to give you a small bit of free time to do essential or even relaxing activities. I do hope for the best for you, and wish very much that I could be beside you to give you a hug and a smile. You are good. You are not wrong.

You should certainly include the name of the neurologist at Cleveland Clinic who saw your sister. But please understand that it seems as though it's your sister who is not following treatment orders. There is only so much an adult child can do to change a parent's behavior. My husband encouraged his mother to stop smoking due to her copd. She accused him of bullying her. Your nephew may not have been able to take any more time off from work...I'm in that situation right now. If I take another personal day I'll be off payroll and lose my medical coverage, which I need because it covers my husband who has serious heart problems. What I'm saying is, life may not be so black and white.

thank you MK you certainly seem to understand what I am going through.

It sucks that my sis is 1,000 miles away. I know my oaf ass nephew has guardianship over my sister because at the various facilities she has been in the staff has told me he does.

I am going to try to figure out how to make money here at home to see if I can get enough to bring her home.

See i am cool with caring for my mother, I do things with her to try to get her to get better. i know she would not like strangers in the home, way back when she hit her head, she was hospitalized for a few days and a nurse, an aide and a p/t was sent here, man she complained about the aide and nurse being here, but haha liked the p/t of course, he was a nice looking guy and was so attentive and sweet with her, she even missed him when he left. But she is not good with strangers coming around. Plus I get to read when she works on activities get her and I go online too, we are right by each other.

But thank you for your kind words and offer of a hug, God bless you for your sympathy and sweetness.

Yes that is a good idea to put the name of the neurologist in the letter, i will do that I have to look around to see what his name was, i think I have it saved in a e-mail from back then.

Now see with my sister she is, i am positive, also still deeply depressed over her husband's suffering and death, he died 7 years ago this July. He was a very special man, I really mean it he was kind, extremely intelligent, helpful and so moral. I know his suffering and death damaged her a lot. I still cry for him, I am still so sad to know I will never see him again...they used to come here every Christmas since they were married, and that is a looong time. But tis adds to her apathy, it is obvious she never was properly treated for her grief. I know my sis and i know her husband's death completely wrecked her. And no one expected him to be so ill and die, he was always super healthy, athletic etc.

But see my nephew does not work, it was not a matter of him taking time off from work, he is a lazy ass, I swear he is. He leeched off of her, he while there the first year refused to cut the lawn, she had to call her other son who lived maybe an hour away, worked and was married to come and cut it on the week-ends. The non working lazy nephew was supposedly going to college, 1,000 or more miles away from his home to get his Masters, he claimed he could not fly home to visit his Dad because he would never graduate unless he wrote his thesis, which hmm he never wrote, he bsed that his professors hated him because he wrote a satirical story about them ( give me an effing break, they are professionals and satire is not anything new to them, then he claimed his advisor gave him the wrong book to write his thesis on, the jerk just lies and lies.) And when he was home he refused to drive my sister to the hospital, it was an hour away, to see her husband, she was so stressed that she hated driving alone there, she had friends drive her and when her son came home she thought he would drive her, nope the bum many times would pretend or be asleep and she could not rouse him, she wanted to see her husband every single day, i don;t blame her, deep down she knew he was dying so these visits were precious to her, the ass nephew could not or did not want to realize that.

With my sister, when she started getting illhe ignored everyone's advice on what to do for my sister, he pooh poohed getting aides to come in, pooh poohed taking her to the Y for water aerobics, did not get a second MRI for her, did not get her primary care physician to hospitalize her to evaluate if her meds were causing or adding to her confusion,I told him numerous times that if she were in a hospital while having her meds readjusted or even being taken off of them, if an adverse reaction occurred she would be treated immediately for it, so it would be safe for her. And now look at him, he visits her sporadically, he hears and sees her crying, she does not want to be there and he does nothing to get her sleep apnea treated. Like that is too much for him? All he has to freaking do is tell the dr he wants her treated for it.

see your situation is completely different you do work, my nephew does nothing. he collects dumb azz Star war and dr who crap and goes on sites online where for free he monitors the boards or some crap, and these are like dopey message boards for fans of Star wars or whatever and he's a freaking grown man, not a teenager. He does nothing because he is a useless doufus. And i fear that money he inherited, hundreds of thousands he sees as some reward, hah! He never did a thing nor bought a thing for that grandmother he inherited it from. Mabe some miracle will happen where my sister will be treated for the sleep anea, will be able to walk, will come here and i will care for her and my Mom or mabe, verrry unlikely, i will win a huge lottery jackpot and build a handicapped accessible home, buy a wheelchair accessible van and bring her home here and take her to the best drs and if she never improves, it's okay since she will at leas be surrounded by people who love her and I will give her hugs and kisses everyday and that there is something good for her.

thank you for your advice and sharing a little about your situation. Have a great day!

Overwroughtone, how old was your nephew when his father died?

You see, I don't doubt that losing her husband is at least partly at the root of your sister's deterioration; but then wouldn't it also have been pretty damaging to a young man to lose his father in the same way?

I think it would help you if you were able to separate the issues into: one, how to help your sister; two, the blazing anger you feel towards your nephew.

I'm not saying you shouldn't feel angry. You feel how you feel. It's just that it makes it harder for you to be clear about what you want to happen next - how you want to go about making things better.

If you need to vent, there are loads of other threads on the forum where people who are angry with family members are exchanging experiences and supporting each other - it's a healthy way to let off steam.

But in terms of making constructive plans, I think it would be better if you just left him out of it. He's going to carry on acting in the way he has done. Well, that's okay: he's not doing anything bad, he's just not doing much at all. And what you're trying to do is add a more energetic, proactive approach to her care, particularly getting her bereavement/depression risks addressed, yes?

The thing is, if you don't separate the issues then it will be much harder for you to be clear about what you want to get done. The nephew-related bits can wait; your sister can't. Best of luck, let us know how you're getting on.

My nephew was 30, the same age I was when I lost my father and I watched my father deteriorate over an 8 year period, as well as he had had bleeding ulcers when I was a teen, he also was badly mugged going to the train station from work, he was hit in the head with a metal pipe, fell to the street and woke up in Bellvue hosp, I saw him laying in the bed after he came home, I was 15 and to see my father with a huge black eye and bruising near his temple was awful My father also had colon cancer, was cured of it, but he changed so dramatically from that surgery and I was in college and my bro called me to tell me he had to warn me our father might die ( he developed a pneumonia after the cancer surgery which removed a third of his intestines, i mean my father had all kinds of illnesses yet I stayed her helping my mpother care for him and now my mother is ill and i have cared for her for 4 years now, my nephew has no excuses.

My nephew was no way as affected by his Dad's death as my sister was, He would not even talk at his memorial service, not because he was so broken up, but because he is too shy, well guess what i am shy too, but i stood up, spoke about my brother in law and yep cried doing so in front of strangers to boot. I am positive it hurt him to lose his father it hurt me as well, I knew him since I was a little girl. But his Dad's death has not seemed to dramatically impact him, he still hung out with friends, still was the lazy oaf he always was, he still got high and ate a lot and slept until 2 pm, I saw no change in him. with my sister the change was dramatic she went from a woman who loved socializing with her friends to not wanting to be around them, since their husbands sometimes were around or they spoke of them. My sis changed from someone who loved laughing to a crier. She changed a lot, John was everything to her, he was one of a kind. And she visited him every day at the various ICU's they moved him too as well as a rehabilitation hosp, she went every day except nine days and that was from Dec 31st 2006 to July 2007 when he sadly died and she had to watch as they removed his life support, she saw him with a huge swollen eye from them having put a needle in that eye to retrieve cells to see if the cancer had spread to his brain. Countrymouse you have no idea what my sister saw and heard and what my poor brother in law suffered through those last almost 7 months of his life. Both my nephews went very minimally to see him, how awful, they knew he was dying, wouldn't they want to feel the love of their family those last horrible months on Earth? But my sister went all those days and sat and held his hand and wiped his nose, and turned him on his side so he was comfortable, she watched him suffer and die, I don't know how anyone could witness that and not die a little themself, plus my sis is obese and has pain from the obesity yet she sat in those very uncomfortable chairs by his bedside, i am thin and i sat in them and they hurt i can imagine how much it hurt her with her bad back and knees. My sister had to hear conflicting reports on John's health status every day and then she would go home and call up family members to tell them what was going on. My mother, sister ad i all visited John and my sister a lot. And they live 1,000 miles away. My sis also helped my sister when John died, she went there to watch the machines be unplugged and she helped my sis arrange the funeral and wake, but my sister still had to deal with everything in her own head. I know John's death is what caused all her brain sickness and her sons know it too.

Well Countrymouse I called my other sis last night and asked her to send a letter off to that dr I also told her i was forwarding her all the articles that i found online concerning untreated sleep apnea and confusion, depression, heart disease and strokes as well as other disorders, my sister said she would write the letter. I also told her if that dr is not proactive and immediately starts my sis on a CPAP then i will find a very good lawyer to sue that nursing home for gross negligence. I am positive many lawyers would willingly take on this case especially since that nursing home is huge, it has many nursing homes around the USA.

I also told my sister about some of the rude and insensitive remarks I got on here, she asked why do I even go on sites like this, i told her it is a caregiving site and I assumed people would be compssionate and caring, not rude, accusatory and insulting. She also thought that woman who tried to make me feel bad that I cannot go see my sis and have not seen her in 2 years is a terrible person. I agreed. I mean I am under so much stress caring for my mother and I am heartbroken still over my late bro in law and now my sister is ill and some ass decides it is right and good to make me feel awful about not being able to see my sister?

I do not feel my hatred for my nephew will wane, it is pathetic that here i am 1,000 miles away always trying to help my sister and that moron is right there and does nothing to try to improve her health. Today i called her and all she did was cry, it kills me. I could never put my mother away and hear her cries like that. My nephew should be telling them to give her treatments for the sleep apnea. All that lard ass does is visit her once a week ( maybe less often who knows, I ask the nurses and most of them only work 3 day shifts and at different times too so they really have no idea how often he and the other sloth visits her. I would think in a nursing home, like a hospital you have to sign in to visit patients, but there i guess not. It would be nice so i could see exactly how often the two turds visit her.

And see I disagree he is doing bad by doing nothing. If I say ignored my mother or did the minimal to keep her healthy and happy I would be doing bad, so that is the same with him, but with him he has all the time in the world and now inheritance money to help his Mom. and the other nephew though he works, he has days off, vacation time. these two pigs better learn a life lesson soon, that we are all here to help others, even when helping others is hard, depressing or time consuming.These two idiots haven't a clue about what life is all about.

Hopefully my sis will write soon to the nursing home dr and that dr will actually help my sister I have researched sleep apnea so much and they say within a month there is a great improvement in patients using the CPAP, so the sooner they start it the better, and if she tries taking it off, then they could use hand restraints like they use in hospitals so that patients do not pull at tubes they have in their mouths, noses and underneath their skin. I will be so thrilled when my sis starts to get better, even if it is just a little better that is better than the way she is now.

Again thank you for your kind and thoughtful words and good advice. and I told my sister that a nice woman on this site ( you) said to put the name of that neurologist from the Cleveland Clinic in that letter and to also write what he told her and her husband about my sister.

I have been the "awful nephews" in my family. I was the person who made the decision to put my mother in a nursing home. I have caught hell for it, but out of 5 children, no one else wanted the responsibility. I hear all the complaints from family about what I have done "wrong" and what I "continue to do wrong", but THEY have done nothing except bitch about me. It is hard to make that kind of decision, especially when the person being admitted doesn't want to be put in a nursing home - but for some of us, that is the only available option that we can afford, and becoming a caregiver is no party!!! You will not receive a gold star, never enough "thank yous", and you have to listen to b*tching and squawking from your siblings, other family members, and the loved one in the nursing home. My phone rings constantly while I try to work a full time job. 3 hours away, my mom thinks of every little thing to bitch and complain about at the nursing home. Yet, when I try to move her just into another room after she has ranted about her horrible room mate, she suddenly "can't leave her"!! So, please understand that "worthless nephews" exist in all families, and I am proud to say that I am that "nephew". I put my mother's best intentions at heart and I am learning that I can't believe everything my mother says, nor do I take to heart what ignorant family members say about me and my decisions. I am blessed that my mom is in a safe place, with food and shelter. I cannot force her to participate in activities or even just watch TV, but that is her problem. We caregivers can only do so much, and you learn to leave the rest to GOD and the paid professionals that are educated and trained to deal with nursing home patients. God Bless them!!! Take a deep breath, be grateful your sister is being cared for, and take time for yourself, or you will end up in the same situation. Some things are really out of our control. Life is not fair, not easy, and no one lives forever!! We have to make the best of every situation and move on! We are caregivers, not miracle workers!!

That's odd that you seem to feel you are like my nephews, very strange as that I have written out how my one turd nephew DID not hire outside help, he decided against it and my sister had an income of $5,000.00 per month, and where they live the cost of living is very low, he did not even give that option a try. Also my nephew was asked by me, to please bring his mother here ( I am here caring for my own mother 24/7 which entails washing her, cleaning her accidents, cleaning her poop, dressing her, as well as doing all the housecleaning, the cooking, the shopping, paying bills, keeping the house functioning ,getting things fixed when needed) and I keep her entertained with exercises, coloring/art work, books, on and on), but I asked him to come here with his Mom and we could take turns caring for her, no freaking way I could care for her and my mother and nooo way my mother would tolerate me hiring aides to come here, we had an aide and visiting nurse and p/t and she complained about the nurse and aide being here, they were only here a few weeks, they would had come longer, but my mother did not want them here, it agitated her and I want her life to be stress-free not stressful. This "great" nephew said no to coming here! He decided after my sister acted up one week, that is all, but he decided to put her away, the a hole even told me I could go down there to help care for her, is he insane? My mother is an older woman, she could never tolerate a move like that, as well as the state they are in has one of the worst healthcare systems in the USA, my mother sees great drs here, no d*mn way I would take her there where the drs are no way as good and qualified as they are here. The bum nephew could had come here, he has no job, no wife, no children,and no excuse to not do the best by his mother. I told the twit that she would deteriorate if he put her away and she has!

You and others on here who seem to think my nephew put his Mom away because he's a good caring son are delusional, or are either unable to understand all i have written about him or you must like immoral,selfish people. and what is even odder is you people think I am judging you for putting your Moms, Dads whoever into nursing homes, I am NOT. I do not know any of you. I do not know your circumstances, however I DO KNOW my nephews and I know the circumstances. And what my nephews did is very wrong!

I am fully aware my sis is taken care of at that nursing home, but she has deteriorated at a very fast pace. I found things i wrote when my nephews first put her away and she would cry to me saying could I get her out of there. I called the bums telling them she did not want to be there and for once in their lives to do something to help others rather than only doing things for themselves, it fell on deaf and stupid ass ears! . And I did my best to ask the two dirtbags to not put her away. I also cursed them out when I found out they did.

My mother is not easy to care for, but I do it because it is my duty. I have been told by many people that most people would never do what i do, I get that. But my nephews are two people and the third is one's wife, there are three people to help my sister and with the money she was getting, an aide could had been hired, I gave my ass nephew the name of Home Instead he refused to call them. No one on here is going to convince me I should allow my nephews to feel what they did is okay, no way, no how! And now they have hundreds of thousands of dollars from an inheritance they did not deserve they never did anything for that grandmother except accept her checks. Why the younger nephew when I was yelling at him not to put his mother away that jerk off said, "Don;t you think if I could I would quit my job and take care of my mother?" Okay he has tons of money now so where is he taking care of his mother?? I freaking play the lottery idiotically hoping i will win so I can bring my sister home, they both have a boat load of money now why aren't they doing what i would do if I had that money???

I am telling you defenders of my nephews you are aligning yourselves with selfish, uncaring, narcissistic fools, it makes you look bad that you think somehow it is wrong for me to hate them because they failed my sister. Maybe God will allow my sis to get healthy enough to come here, or allow me to win big bucks in the lottery and bring her home, in the meantime, hellllll yeah I am going to rant about and hate my nephews. I reserve my love for those who have good souls, those who extend themselves to others, i sure don;t love, nor like or accept those two hemorrhoids, hell no!

How in the flip can you be sure a good "caring" individual and have so much hate in your heart!!! Honey, you need anger management!!! Allowing hate to bring on so much negative energy into your life has sucked all of your good intentions!!! Do you complain about everything all day and night long about your nephews to your sister and your mother? Whew, sending up prayers for peace in your life!

"...No one on here is going to convince me I should allow my nephews to feel what they did is okay, no way, no how!"

Darling, the thing is this. No one is trying - well I'm not, anyway - to change what you feel about your nephews. The point is that, while you continue to curse them so comprehensively and energetically, a) it distracts you from the important task of getting better attention paid to your sister's needs and b) it makes it impossible for you to build any kind of co-operative relationship with them. Which, after all, is what you must do if you want them to change their management of their mother's care.

Eyes on the prize, in other words. Forget them, focus on her.

Back to the original question, yes, in certain circumstances, a nursing home is a place to die in dignity. There are 60 residents in my mother's nursing home. Most are in their 80s and 90s with a variety of fatal conditions (my mother is 88 with parkinsons, strokes and severe dementia) along with alzheimers and other forms of dementia, such that it would be impossible for them to be cared for properly at home.

The place is spotless, the staff are wonderful, there are skilled nurses on duty 24/7 and there are activities for those who wish or are able to get involved in. Each room has a hoist over the bed, a bed alarm and call bell. Residents who have difficulty feeding themselves have a separate dining room where they are fed one on one by staff and there are exercise machines with a qualified physio.

Yes, they will all be there until they pass away but, in the meantime, they are safe, clean, well fed and treated with kindness and compassion. NH staff get to go home, have days off and lead a normal life at the end of a shift, caregivers do not. Who can provide the greatest kindness and compassion - a nurse or aide on shift or a stressed, burnt out, angry, resentful 24/7/365 caregiver?

Something to think about.

Thanks so much for your posts phanna! Anonymous, you don't seem to understand that moral obligation to care for parent is met by seeing that they are in a safe place, have appropriate food, medical treatment, etc. Sounds like your sister just doesn't (and didn't ) care much about taking care of herself. It is her right, of course. You talk about restraining her if she tries to tear out a CPAP - is it not her right to refuse medical treatment if she wants to? I think your hateful feelings toward your nephew are making you unbalanced - and the money they inherited is their business, not yours. For your own spiritual health, put hatred aside and work with people, not against them. Which is really all you can do anyway. God bless and help you.

Anonymous: Concentrate on your sister, forget about nephews there is nothing you can do. You are wasting your time and energy - both mental & physical. Mind the posts on this site that talk about Caregivers burn-out, serious physical ailments even death. You're young but burn-out can happen at any age so can heart attacks & strokes You won't be able or around to care for anyone.

You can't expect boys to be responsible for caregiving, especially wiping their Mother's tuchus. They saw what was happening & they have to make sure she's safe. Unless they hire 24 hr caregivers & most times don't show up due to all kinds of reasons especially when it snows

I always felt the ill person had the right to make any final decisions regarding their care. However, if it is a mental situation and an abusive one and nothing you do will help them or make them behave, sometimes people have no choice but to remove them - if they don't, it will eventually destroy you with anger and frustration. And not every caregiver has the personality to put up with hitting, mental and cleanliness issues, or other problems that come up. It could lead to disaster. Sometimes we have to make the hard choices even though we don't want to do so. Yes, in my opinion, when a person has lost their mental and physical capacity, it really doesn't matter where they are then living - it is the beginning of the end. There is no other outcome. Sorry but true.

Love you all for sharing your situations..Although you know there are others out there in the same situation you can't help but feel you are alone..I feel so much better God Bless!

Your sister sounds like she needs 24 hour care. Nobody can provide that at home without giving up their lives to do it. I applaud anyone who lovingly takes on that task, but cannot blame someone who cannot.
If your nephews found a good home, visit her and are attentive to administering her needs, I do not believe they are horrible. I am sorry, you were likely seeking validation. This is no doubt a difficult sad situation, but not everyone is willing to give up their life - time with family, career, financial security to become a full time to semi full time caregiver.

I hear you. My own father did not want to go to a nursing home. Its a tough choice. And for some that is how they feel, a nursing home is the final stop before passing. I kept my dad at home with me till he died in hospital. I had some family support but it mostly fell on me. I did struggle with anger and resentment.

I know you are angry with your nephews. But in the end, I feel its better to be in a nursing home then to have a family member not care for your properly.

This just shows you that there are different people in this world. You are a born caregiver, and it sounds like your nephew is not. Unfortunately the situation will not change unless you or someone like you steps in. It seems you need a respite and unfortunately are not in the position to take one as yet. You can apply for guardianship of your sister, and then perhaps direct someone else to oversee her conditions and care where she is at now. Let go of your feelings for this nephew, it only upsets you and nothing will change on his end. God bless you.