Two years ago I posted re: 87 & 90 in-laws who were still driving, shopping, etc. despite the fact that are both a serious fall risk. As of even 10 days ago my MIL tripped over the area rug trying to catch the cat, fell & hit her head. Oh - BTW they have no neighbors or friends nearby or family by their choice. It took a very long time to reach my deaf FIL who was elsewhere on this 400 acres who sprained his wrist trying to pick her up and then she drove at midnight to the ER getting home after 4 am - btw she can not see. They don’t care about smashing into a soccer mom or leaving my MIL with edema in the car for an hour or so while he shops. My FIL claims his eyesight is the same as it was at 17 and my MIL thinks if she does not have to turn left then she’s ok to drive. Every ER trip results in some “situation” and neither wanting to stay despite doctors’ orders. This leads to a lot of driving in the middle of the night on a dangerous 4 lane highway for not only medical emergencies but for regular shopping. Sometimes the same stores every other day. This behavior is nuts. My BIL’s relationship with his father is unhealthy and toxic and my husband tells me you can’t tell people what to do. They are not guardianship material yet.
Choosing to keep a rug that caused a headstrike is a poor decision.. but a rug is not on the roads likely to harm others.
Tell them plain that you are worried about their safety.
Have there being many 'near misses'? Unexplained dents in the car, garage or fence?
If so, report to APS & the driving authority as suggested.
Then step back. Your husband is correct - you cannot tell people what to do. (Well you can.. but they have zero obligation to take your advice).
Re fear of change. It can also be not knowing what else to do. My LO kept catching taxis solo (& falling) as they didn't know how else to get around. Being set up with a Home Help Service has been great. House cleaning, shopping assist & transport to appointments.
Providing a clear list of driving ALTERNATIVES could be an idea? Eg
1. Local Taxi number
2. Help set up Uber for them
3. Grocery deliveries
4. Research other aide/support services
Call APS and most importantly report to DMV about the driving .
Coming to their own demise at their home / land is one thing , killing someone else on the highway is another .
Neither your husband or BIL will be effective with these difficult people .
Other than trying to stop the driving , I would not try anything else , no POA or trying to be their guardian .
Let the state appoint a guardian that is NOT family .
People who don’t assign POA don’t want their family telling them what to do . So don’t kill yourself trying to help them .
Even some elders who assign POA can become a nightmare , as they view it as they get to call the shots .
Be glad your husband does not have POA for these difficult people .
And there is little to do about that.
They are 87 and 90 and I say this as someone shortly going on 83--so they kill themselves with this activity? Think about it? Is it better that they meekly go into care and play bingo so they can live another few miserable years?
To be honest, I think NOT.
Now we come to YOU.
I often tell children to move at least 1,000 miles from parents. My daughter is miles away, three states away. GOOD FOR HER and a VERY WISE DECISION to be honest.
Why should you be a part of the bad acts and poor decision making?
Because eventually, one way or the other, you WILL get the call. It will be from a Hospital Social worker or it will be from a coroner. And then you will act. Until then, do all you can to stay away from it and stay OUT OF IT, and simply tell them TO THEIR FACES it is too disturbing to watch up close.
OF---------keep on as you are.
You are a grownup and the choice is yours. They are behaving like children. The consequences of that will be theirs.
So call APS and report these ignorant and irresponsible fools, and let them come out to do an assessment and take over their care.
And then call the DMV and the police and report them both, so their licenses can both be revoked.