I posted before about my mother who is paralyzed and in a wheelchair. She needs skilled care, but expects her children to care for her.
One sibling, Tom, does care for her the majority of the time and has for the last five years. He has DEMANDED that we do what he does. This includes transferring her from wheelchair to bed and vice versa using a slide board. (He has refused to get a Hoyer lift) She needs diapers changed, bed baths and wound care. She weighs over 200 lbs and can help a little bit with her transfer, but there is still a lot of bending and twisting happening on our part.- she cannot roll over or lift he legs etc. Nor does she help with bottom care.
Tom is 6’ 7” and weighs over 200 lbs. I am 5’6 inches and weigh 130.
Tom moved in with her before he ever discussed anything with my sibling and I. We were just expected to be on board. I have said from day one that I can’t handle her care, yet for five years he has insisted. I have tried and ended up unable to move due to back spasms after. I don’t care how good my technique is, I am almost 60 and she is big and dead weight.
. We have offered to help in any other way. Cooking, shopping, cleaning, maintenance etc. Tom says it is his way or the highway. He says he hates us. He refuses to communicate with us, except to demand us coming to take care of her. He has always been a narcissist and has trouble with people in general. The hate is not new or a surprise.
I have changed adult diapers. I don’t mind. It is the fact that she is heavy and paralyzed AND she has a massive bedsore on her back side that has not healed. She is also getting another bedsore next to the first one.
We talked to her a few weeks ago and explained that we do not feel comfortable doing physical care and will not do it, for our safety and hers. She said she understood.
Tom doesn’t want her to hire anyone, he want us to do it when he cant. Tom did contact a licensed nursing agency who said the only way they would come out is with two people, and one had to be a nurse, so he refuses to use them.He has found someone who will do private care for $15 an hour but will only hire her on a rare occasion. They won a lawsuit and she has plenty of money as well as long term
health insurance. So she can afford care, whether it be private care or nursing home.
Mom knows that Tom has made the family miserable by his unwillingness to communicate with us and his hateful attitude. But she is so afraid of going into a home, she lets him call the shots. She is totally capable of making decisions. She guilts us by saying if she goes to a nursing home, she will die. Tom loves the martyr roll.
My other brother and his wife went to visit her today. With the understanding that an aide would be there to care for Mom.
The aide was never scheduled. Instead, Mom insisted that they put her in bed and change her diaper, etc. She says that we have to, it is expected of us. My brother, who has serious heart issues did as she asked. It was hard on his back and he isn’t supposed to lift anything over 40 lbs because he has an enlarged aorta.. She has two bedsores on her perinium. One is very large and deep. It is packed. My brother was expected to change the packing and redress the wound. He is a janitor, not a nurse. The other is about the size of a half dollar and also deep. She had a BM so he had to try to get that out of the wound.
If brother had not put her in bed and changed her tonight, she would have sat in her chair for who knows how long after he left. Mom knew nobody was coming , it was her plan to have my brother do her care all along.
Apparently, our heart to heart with her did no good. What are we supposed to do in this situation? We can’t walk out and say, sorry, can’t do it,and leave her there. We want to visit with her but do not want to be put in this situation again. Tom leaves when we visit, he doesn’t want to see us Help!
Get her admitted to the hospital and have the social workers call APS to report her lack of care.
You and your siblings are all contributing to the final demise of your mother by not standing up to your bully brother and getting the help your mother so desperately needs.
It's time to put your big girl panties on and now do what is best for your poor mother, before it's too late.
You will need to start refusing to do the care . Nothing will change if you keep doing it . I would just speak to mother on the phone. Don’t go over there .
I agree that APS should be called because of your mother’s terrible wounds. Your mother needs to be in SNF with proper bed with air mattress and professional wound care . Sliding across on a slide board is not helping the situation.
You and your other brother are not doing your mother any favors by going along with this nonsense .
She does see her doctor and is getting would care- because insurance pays for it. But, for her daily care, he refuses to hire anyone and does it himself. Including dressing changed etc. So, is it still okay to call APS? Do you think they will do anything
I think she needs 24 hour skilled care. She needs to be off her bottom during the day. But brother and Mom refuse.
You have eyes, you can see Tom is taller than you, know he is stronger. You have insight, can see Tom is a martyr.
My guess is Tom is being the 'Hero'. He seems to also feel quite entitled. Like he has the right to boss his siblings around. What HE thinks must be done... yawn.. bored of you Tom. So bored of hero-man. Why not put Mother in the centre of her care plan? What does Mother actually need? Does she need ONLY her adult children to be her hands-on caregivers?
No.
Some big life lessons are still coming for Mother and Tom. Well Tom really (Mother may have or may not have a case of Parkinson's Dementia & be unable).
#1 How to accept help
#1 This includes NON-family help
#2 No-one gets to boss everyone around
#3 You can say No to your Mother
You can SEE the issues.
Think now on how to get past this bully brother.
Involving NON-family is needed. That is my 2c worth.
Your brother is burned out and bitter. He’s also a bully who wants things his way. He thinks that he can emotionally blackmail you. Don’t fall for it. Deep down bullies are insecure. Stand up for yourself and your mom. I would be tempted to call 911 for her wounds when your brother leaves.
So, your mom gets mad. She’s mad now, so let her get mad over doing what you know is the right thing for her and for the rest of you.
Your brother has exerted control over your mother. She’s at his mercy because she is dependent upon him. She may be fearful of his outbursts. Or they may be feeding off of each other’s frustrations. This situation spells Disaster with a capital D!
He knows that he needs a physical and emotional break and is smart enough to leave when you arrive to see your mother. He’s overstepping his boundaries though by demanding that you fill his role.
I would make it clear to your mom and your brother that you won’t be visiting unless someone else is there to care for her needs.
The fact that he is allowing her to live in this condition is awful. I don’t know if your mom is fearful of a nursing home or if he is hoarding her money but there isn’t any reasonable excuse for her not being in a facility where she can receive help from a professional staff 24/7.
Are you able to speak with your mother mom’s doctor? I would most definitely write a letter to him even if you don’t have access to medical records. See if he can force your mom to enter a facility based on your brother’s negligence. Tell him that he leaves when you arrive and that you are not physically able to do the care that he does.
It’s a tough situation for sure. I am so sorry that you are experiencing such heartache. You may even want to speak with an attorney who deals with this issue. Good luck!
You are your siblings are part of the problem. You all are so afraid of your mother and Tom that you all refuse to do right by her. What you are doing isn’t it.
Those bedsores are going to kill her. You are NEGLECTING her medical care. This is ridiculous.
I have tried to stand up to Tom, so has my brother. Yesterday was total manipulation in Tom and Mom’s part.
if you think that knowing that APS is still warranted, after knowing that she is seeing a doctor, I will 100 percent call. I love Mom and want what’s best for her.
Perhaps you can use your phone in her hearing when you are there to call APS, then leave. Make sure you tell APS that it jeopardises your safety, and you have made that clear to mother as well as brother. You say “Mom knew nobody was coming, it was her plan to have my brother do her care all along”. She has to find out that it isn’t going to work. Things have to change for her, not just for your brother. She should be able to use her phone to call your brother, and tell him that things have gone pear shaped.
With luck, APS will have a look at brother's care as well as mother's needs.