My parents are both in an assisted living facility, currently waiting for memory care rooms to open up. They daytrip to the memory unit each day and there is an overnight aide in their apartment because my mom has been wandering. My mom has been there for 3 months and my dad for one month. I got a call today that he is refusing to bathe, cut his beard, or have his nails clipped. And now mom is refusing as well. The overnight aide doesn't want to stay there any longer, the families of other residents are complaining, and the facility isn't offering much assistance. I am going to go try to talk to them in the next couple of days, but they're very stubborn. I have asked for a psych consult, which the facility says it will request from the doctor. But I am at a complete loss here and I simply cannot take them into my home or have them return to their home, even with round-the-clock care.
I have read about gentle persuasion, etc., but my mindset right now is telling them that they will have to agree to hygienic care of they will wind up being separated.
Also... I'm a little astonished that the staff is having such a hard time dealing with a pretty common problem. I personally think this is a facility issue. "Very stubborn" is the cornerstone symptom of dementia. How can they not train their people on how to get the bathing done? Maybe you need to consider a different facility for them that is more competent.
I was a homecare aide for 25 years. The "gentle persuasion" very rarely works when the full-on stubbornness has started. At that point, they have to be worn down. Nothing until they have been washed up. This even includes speaking to them about any topic that is not them getting washed up.
I find one way that often worked with hygiene-resistant care clients is to make a "professional" looking hygiene schedule that is ordered and signed by their "doctor". Throwing the doctor under the bus works pretty well in such cases. You and everyone at the facility needs to tell your parents that they understand that they don't want to get washed up, but that their doctor is giving them no choice. That he will put them in separate nursing homes if you (and the staff) report back to him that they're refusing hygiene care. This works pretty well. Also, staff telling them that they will get fired if they don't comply with care works well also if they like their aides.